Interference

I know this voice isn't an alter. I know this voice never takes over as a person. And yet it has so much control over every aspect of me. The thoughts I voice, the feelings I show, whether or not I will face the world or face the ground. What is it? Is it insecurity or is it inner caution? Is it controlling or is it guiding?

It keeps me from talking about how I really feel. Instead, it makes me say "I'm fine;" "It's nothing;" "It doesn't matter because I can't change it." It lowers my self-esteem by constantly assuring me that I'm of little to no worth to anyone; that there is absolutely nothing special about me; that I'm really not pretty at all and that everyone who tells me I am is just saying it to try and make me feel better. It whispers in my ear that no one is trustworthy. It hisses that I am alone. It lies.

But knowing that it lies doesn't make it any easier. Knowing that it lies doesn't make it any better.

It won't let me tell the person I love most how I feel about things if it is a negative emotion. It won't let me tell her when I'm crying on the inside (since I physically can't cry on the outside). It won't let me say, "Don't go.." when she leaves. It won't let me say, "I'm falling apart," when she asks. It won't let me give her any indication that I know perfectly well what's bothering me. Just yesterday she said, "I swear, sometimes it's like I'm chipping away at a cement wall with a popsicle stick." ...Awesome.

I don't want to be a cement wall. For once in my life I want to let someone in; let someone see. She's come further than anyone else has when it comes to being inside my head, but damn it, she's only scratched the surface. It's like seeing the tiniest crack in the ground and you start picking at it, eventually to find there is a seemingly bottomless chasm underneath. I'd say there's no point in replying because nothing makes it better, (which is about 98% true), but I'm seriously at wit's end and I can't deal with this anymore.

...I'm really not a depressed person; it just seems that way.

Hi LC,

I'll do the math and take the 2% chance.

Have you written any of this down and showed it to your partner? I think it might give her some comfort if she understood that you really do feel these things, that you do care about her and that you're a sweet, caring person(s) behind this wall.


I know that voice. I'm not DID. But I know that negative voice. Call it "the punishing (non-DID) 'parent' voice"; call it Freud's super-ego; call it the overactive conscience.

Ohhh how I hate that voice. Actually, it's not just one voice. They're "thought-voices" for me; I don't actually hear them. They're more like intrusive thoughts.

I was just talking to someone else about this, and I'd like to share it with you, too:

(Not so much the topic, but my grandmother's story.)
obsessive-compulsive/topic48230.html#p344020

Maybe if you kept writing about it, you could slowly teach yourself/reprogram yourself that it's OK to be more open? There is a place for online journals here on the forum. Every post must be approved by a mod/admin, so there's very little chance of anyone being mean. Also, you can either allow or not allow replies to your journal. Maybe you could communicate with your partner that way?

I think that's my 2 copper for your 2%. If you want, I could try to think of some other stuff.

Take care,

--Frayed

Hi LC!

I know that voice as well, except for me it's one of my alters who I guess has taken on the role of the super-ego Frayed mentioned. He can't take over without help, but he has a lot of influence over everything I say and do. Even now, he's watching like a hawk as I type, constantly editing and criticizing what I type. It takes me forever to reply here, because he'll make me delete and rewrite sentences, move words and phrases, etc. It can be really, really frustrating.

So LC, know that you're not alone. I also have someone in my life who I wish could know everything, and it's been so difficult to open up. I still haven't told him, so I guess that when I tell you to try to tell her somehow, I should probably take my own advice. Write a letter, a journal entry, or something. The voice will try to keep you from giving her that letter. I know because of how difficult it was to tell my parents about my DID. Pressing the send button on an email has never been so difficult. What might work is to write that letter, then leave it where she'll see it. Find a way to let her know, and hopefully I'll work up some courage of my own and tell my boyfriend. We can both overcome the voice.

-Katie

Thank you Frayed and Katie. I appreciate the responses. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back on here. Life suddenly got busy and then life suddenly had no internet.

I've told Eden about all of this. She knew before I ever posted it. I can speak to her from a third person objective, non-biased point of view about things, but I can't say "This is what I feel and why I feel it," even though I can tell myself(ves) about it all day. It's an inability to open up and allow myself to be vulnerable, despite having all trust in her that she would never use it against me. It's gotten a bit better. She came to visit me last week and it suddenly got easier to talk about it. And I actually cried. It seems the only time I'm able to cry is when she's around. ...yay tangent!

Anyways - Katie, I'm sure you can find a way to beat it. Perhaps it's not about overcoming the voice. Maybe it's more about overpowering your own insecurity and fear and just taking the dive. If it's love, he's not going anywhere. I wish you luck.

Frayed - you always have something helpful up your sleeve. I think I'll check out that journal thing and see what's going down over there.

-Rae