Do you have this problem?

Hi. I'm new here. I don't have an official diagnosis, but when I took the test on this website, I kept wanting to say, "Yes! How did you know?"

I am wondering if you all can relate to what I have always been dealing with. Ever since I was a child, I have felt that I don't know who I am. I mean, I think that 'normal' people feel one way about something, and that's how they feel. I think they like their music, etc. I can have two drastically different, equally passionate opinions about the same thing. I have felt, since I was a child, that I am a different person in different situations, and sometimes that's useful, but I don't know which one I really am.

Well, I'm 36 now, and I am very frustrated. I feel that I should know who I really am. I also feel, since I was a child, that I am an observer, not a participant. I can't explain that.

I have been searching the internet for an explanation. I don't feel that I have a real me. No one gets it. Does that ring a bell with you?

I also lose time, get recognized by people that I don't know, find objects I don't remember getting, and so on...

Thanks for any input.

Don't find any of those things to be DID related.

I think lots of people have different tastes of music that might contradict some of the other stuff on their play list. I have surf music next to my hardcore punk. Japanese rock next to my 50's rock.

And if you can see both sides to things, doesn't make you DID, means you have enough understanding to get both sides.

36, you could be a 106 and still have never been more than an observer. That's not DID, that's your personality. I'm multiple and I tend to be very hands on when I can. There are days where I just observe, but others I'll be taking charge and trying whatever.

It seems to me you're just realizing now that you've never tried to make something of your own for yourself your whole life and now want an explanation. Well, you're still technically young, so you still have plenty of time to change your attitude and get out and try new stuff. Stuff you've been curious to try but never thought you could. Just go for it. The worst that could happen is you find out you don't like it, and then you move on.

You could be right.

Or I might not be communicating clearly what I am trying to say.

There are times when people tell me that I'm speaking with an accent. That's been going on since I was a child.

I think that in different situations, I have different values and a different personality. This isn't a new problem, it's just becoming a crisis because I am so unhappy about not being able to be one way.

I have another question. I used to think that everyone had a running narrative in their head, describing what they're doing. Is that normal? When I asked someone else, they looked at me like I was nuts.

I have felt like there was no "me," no "core self" that wasn't a false self, at times. Whenever websites ask me a security question with "what is your favorite..." I can't answer. I have no idea. I have a lot of stuff going on in my head... sometimes I'll purposely do a narrative because it is comforting or amusing.

the loosing time and stuff like that seems suspicious. Did you have trauma as a child?

Yes, I had trauma as a child. I can hardly remember anything before the age of 10. What I do remember is sexual abuse and violence and neglect. Sometimes, I'll be going along with my day, and suddenly, in public, I'll have an awful flashback of the abuse, of things I had completely forgotten.

I don't want to be too explicit here, but I actually can't have sex without going somewhere else in my mind. It's automatic.

indigo girl wrote:I have felt like there was no "me," no "core self" that wasn't a false self, at times. Whenever websites ask me a security question with "what is your favorite..." I can't answer. I have no idea. I have a lot of stuff going on in my head... sometimes I'll purposely do a narrative because it is comforting or amusing.

the loosing time and stuff like that seems suspicious. Did you have trauma as a child?

You know, I have that same problem with security questions. Then later, I have no idea what I said. It's exasperating.

I'm sorry to hear that you had a difficult past. I think I know what you mean about going somewhere when you have sex. I have certain mental associations that I have a lot of shame about. Yet I am understanding that they are a clue to what happened. It's challenging to work on this stuff.

I couldn't tell from what you say if you have DID or not - because of not knowing who you are and feeling like an observer rather than a participant. Now meeting people who recognize you while you don't raises questions and losing time does too. It sounds to me like you have enough to be concerned about, and you're not happy, so I would try to find a professional who has experience dealing with both sexual abuse and DID.
Good luck!

Futurama 91, hi there!

I don't think I have D.I.D, but I recognise alot of the issues you are facing. I do have a running commentary in my head too - but its always in the past tense, like I am being judged for what I did...but whilst I am actually doing it. My commentary has developed into a sort of book form & its always from the perspective of a third person.

"Frank opened the book & as usual did not understand any of the text, despite having spent two months learning about html" is once such, more innocuous example. Others are far more critical. I honestly feel that I am carrying around a 6 year old in my head...that doesn't have any concentration & dreams up these narratives & such. I keep having to tell myself off.

As for your personality... I do not have a defined personality. I feel overwhelmed by others' personality & how the world is so expressive. If i walk into a music store i'll feel overwhelmed by it, plus I'll feel intimidated by having to express myself through choosing a CD. i usually walk out, slightly confused.
Some days I'll fee like a man, somedays more feminine. My personality & my general way of handling things will depend on that. You haven't said that is the case with you, but i understand how you may feel, in a way "formless" & almost ethereal - like your not really here. You said you felt like you were just observing - i feel this too, except I know I take an active part in life. But even when I'm taking part...I don't feel I am there. I feel dead, numb. My memories of events aren't sharp too...the factual details are, but the emotional memory isn't. For instance; I can remember my HND graduation, the location, routine etc. But I don't feel anything of it. Its akin to watching the climax of a film with the sound muted.

On a relationship level - I never feel I connect with anyone. I feel dead inside once again.

But yes, you must attempt to try new things & express yourself if you haven't found yourself doing already.
Does this strike any chords Futurama91?

that was abrave post you made there. its possible you have DID its possible that you dont. when i first started thinking that i might have DID i went on all these sites and tryed to fit myself into this DID box i even developed some of the things because i thought that i had to fit the profile. the truth is dissosiation sits on a continuim and we are not all the same some things i do are very typical of DID others arent and thats ok. when i finaly decided not to fit myself into a box i actually relaxed anough to get to know myself and then i realised that i did have DID i just didnt know about a lot of stuff the more i researched it the more of a state i got myself into and the less i worried about what DID criterea was the more i learnt about myself. if your questioning it then something is obviously going on for you. my best advice would be to try the identity on for a while and see if it fits you dont have to tell people or feel like a fraud or worry that your making it up that will just make you feel guilty and wont be helpful. just let yourself have it and you might find yourself. dont worry that you will develop it by doing this because DID is formed in childhood and trying this identity on will not make you have DID. i get what you mean about being an observer well i dont get what it means for you but i can relate if you know what i mean. there was a time in my life before i found out i had DID when everything was going good but when i stopped and connected with myself there was nothing there i remember thinking that i had no wants or desires hopes or dreamsi wasan empty shell i felt as though i was nothing on the inside i was just a shell. this was because i had given my fears, hopes desires, terror everything away to alters because they had at some point been intolerable for me to hold so i ended up with nothing on the inside i was so split off into different peices this was my biggest indicator of DID i knew i wasnt a full person i knew that things that should have been there werent and it got me asking where they had gone? maybe this is something you can relate to? there is always a chance that this is a result of depression as depresion can rob us of all emotion even sadness but i had tried anti depresants and done a lot of therapy and got no where i had nothing to work on because i had no emotions and i had to find the other parts of me to get them back. its extremely common for people with DID to feel like a shell or to feel as though the world is passing them by while they watch it go and are disconnected from life and themselves. some things that were helpful for me were............keeping a journal, doing research on DID but not trying to fit myself into it i had to be honest about what i related to and what i didnt, it helped me to try this identity on without feeling guilty or like i was faking it, it helped just to sit in silence on my own and try to identify what was inside me ie thoughts feelings fears voices, it helped to zone out (dissosiate) and then reavaluate what was inside ie what was i thinking feeling fearing and then i looked at what was different i even asked myself if i was a different person right now would i have a name how old do i feel what do i remember, this was how i got a lot more contact with other parts of me. these are just suggestions your path will be unique it will be your own and no one can predict the steps you will need to take but sometimes its nice to get suggestions of thigs to try. good luck i hope you discover yourself what ever that may mean for you.