New here - Introduction

Hi all

just found this place, doesn't seem too active, but I'll see how it goes anyway.... maybe get some useful help or info *shrug*

Anyway, a bit of history to get it ot of the way. (hopefully won't get too carried away.... its a complex story)

Growing up was, shall we say, 'complicated'
In highschool I was drawn into a religious cult, and after a short time I was pretty much a totally brainwashed automaton. Identity erased. I was no longer 'me' (or looking at it another way, we were so incredibly shamed into total denial of who and what we were and buried ourselves so deep that they could then mold us into who they wanted us to be)

Just over 8 years ago, I managed to break through the brainwashing, and they tried to re-brainwash me, but I had learned things since, and it didn't work. The result being that they not only threw me out of ch*rch, but they ruthlessly and efficiently destroyed my life, my marriage, my business, etc etc.... all in 24hrs.

I was left with absolutely nothing, devestated, totally alone.

I had a breakdown, multiple stays in the psych ward etc, and about a year into therapy (all the therapists ended up being abusive too) I discovered I was apparently multiple. I was first aware of 3 alters, 12 more I became aware of about 10 months later.

Honestly it scared the $#%^ out of me, I didn't want it to be true, but the evidence all pointed to it being true. I wanted it to go away, so I ended up making a huge mistake and decided to force integration. Really bad move.

It lasted about 8 months till I finally resplit, and the aftermath was like picking up the pieces in a warzone. Our 'system' inside was a total mess. Over 4 years later, we're still picking up the pieces, and only just got some communication between us going again in the last year or so.

In all there's about 20 of us, but there are a couple of others that I feel are there but I don't know them yet.

Currently we're on disability cos we're too scared to set foot outside most of the time, but thats just one of many problems we face. We have spent 8 years in the MHS, and there seems to be no-one able to help us, or who even seems to care or believe that DID/MPD even exists. Everyone we see either doesnt care, or ends up making us worse.

We're at the point where we're stuck. We're unable to move forward, make any progress, and we can't stand to live in limbo like this for the next 10 years or more. I want to hurry up and get well and get on with LIFE. But the way things are, thats never going to happen, and frankly, I'd rather die that sit here and stagnate with no hope of recovery.

all the psych's and therapists seems unqualified or incompetant to deal with someone like me, or they just don't care. All the progress I've made over the last 8 years has all been done on my own, by myself, away from the MHS. But I find myself at an impass. I know the problems, my history (or most of it) and what I need to recover sufficiently to start getting back into the world and starting to live again, to get this under control, to eventually get our system to co-operate together. But the "HOW" continues to ellude me. I don't know the next step, where to go from here, and the MHS and the psychs and therapists etc are of no practical help on the matter. I am running out of options and have no-where else left to go. We are at the point of either we make some progress and real soon, or its not worth continuing anymore. Healing or death. thats where we're at. Stuck in the system with those as my only real choices.

I don't know where to go from here

Lahl

Lahl,

I"ve had similar experiences to yours. A little different..but pretty much the same. I'm 52 and have been integrated for the past 3 yrs. I tried forcing it to happen too early and like you found out that wasn't the way to go about it. I was involved (in my early years long ago) SRA....which left indelible marks on my physically spiritually and emotionally. My marriage went down the drain as did just about everything and everyone I knew. Finding a competent therapist was not happening either.

I can tell you that there can be a good life after DID. A lot of my integrations happened spontaneously. And they have not re-split either. So...there is hope!!!

Sweetngentle

Hi Lahl, I am new here too. I am a multiple also. just discovered it on my own 2 and a half years ago. fortunately I had many years of counseling before that, which I think helps with all of this. I have similar feelings like you expressed. I do not want this DID. I do not want this diagnosis. I have come a long way tho, in the past 2 and a half years. and mostly on my own with the help of my husband. We were married 5 years ago (after 2 abusive marriages). I was finally happy. I thought , "HOw wonderful. I can finally sit back and relax. I worked on everything in therapy. Life is good" then I "spun out" after an emotional reaction to something. I discovered in my living room that I had alters. that was 2 and a half years ago. Had horrible experiences with therapists and hospitals. I did learn a whole lot in a place called Wiit in Hollywood fl. it was mostly learning, for me. like a college course in 3 weeks. Lots of incredibly good info for people with dissociative disorders. they have outpt and inpt. and i am on disability too and medicare paid for it. I went inpt. it is for women only. the outpt is woman & men. for inpatient, they told me (i think for medicare to pay) I had to be desparate , and truly, I was) I had to tell them (wiit) that I was extremely depressed. also, I want to tell you about something that has helped me so much. John Bradshaw videos on The Family and Homecoming. I bought $500 worth of his videos and they were worth every penny. my husband and I watched them every night. now, once a week. I cant tell you how incredibly helpful they are to me. you can find his website online. I also got the healing the inner child workshop on cassettes that is excellent. After I went to Wiit, I found a therapist and my husband and I went in to see her . she let me know right away that she did not want to see any "EMOTIONALITY" She did not want me to switch, etc. I knew then and there that she would not be able to help me. I think it would be good to find a therapist who specializes in this , but they are few and far between. On the John Bradshaw there are some therapists listed. I think they would be great. It is ashame that we have to figure this out for ourselves isnt it. After all we have been thru. Sometimes I can barely stand it. other times I am strong and brave and moving on. It is a process and I guess we have to go thru it. Oh, I also want to mention that the psychologist who runs wiit had DID and he wrote an excellent book. the theory part of the book is good. you can order it from wiit. I will try to find the website address for you if you are interested. take care, Moonbeam

sweetngentle wrote:I can tell you that there can be a good life after DID. A lot of my integrations happened spontaneously. And they have not re-split either. So...there is hope!!!

Yeah, I'm sure there is life after integration/healing/recovery/whatever you want to call it. Its getting there thats the proplem, living in a backwater isolated city whre no-one is trained in this sort of thing. and the prevelent attitude is that if you ignore it, it will go away.

While inpatient once, the psychs ordered the nurses to ignore us completely if ever any of our alters came out. The staff were told never to deal with anyone else but me.
The end result of that was that some of our littles were hurt, making an already suicidal person worse, so one of our protectors took over, blasted the psychs to their faces, told them where to go and discharged ourselves from their care.
We swore never to go back IP again after that

We have had 2 spontaneous integrations once tho. One night, lying in bed, 2 of our alters simply announced that "you don't need us anymore" and I felt them grow distant. When I woke up the next morning, they were gone, and it left a huge hole in us. It felt like part of us had died. They have never returned, despite forcing integration of the rest and our resplit later.

moonbeam wrote: I did learn a whole lot in a place called Wiit in Hollywood fl. it was mostly learning, for me. like a college course in 3 weeks. Lots of incredibly good info for people with dissociative disorders. they have outpt and inpt. and i am on disability too and medicare paid for it. I went inpt. it is for women only. the outpt is woman & men. for inpatient, they told me (i think for medicare to pay) I had to be desparate , and truly, I was) I had to tell them (wiit) that I was extremely depressed.

Well, despite vowing never to allow ourselves to be put IP ever again, the place sounds ok compared to what we get here. However being on the opposite side of the world makes things a bit difficult

also, I want to tell you about something that has helped me so much. John Bradshaw videos on The Family and Homecoming. I bought $500 worth of his videos and they were worth every penny. my husband and I watched them every night. now, once a week. I cant tell you how incredibly helpful they are to me. you can find his website online. I also got the healing the inner child workshop on cassettes that is excellent.

I looked at the website, and although I'm sure it has some good info somewhere, the fact of him being xian is a major major trigger for us. Any mention of xian things, mentioning certain words, phrases, concepts..... trigger city and major panic attacks galore.
So, they're not for me.

After I went to Wiit, I found a therapist and my husband and I went in to see her . she let me know right away that she did not want to see any "EMOTIONALITY" She did not want me to switch, etc. I knew then and there that she would not be able to help me.

yeah, every therapis/psych/counsellor we've seen either doesn't believe DID/MPD exists, or thinks if you don't give the seperate parts any attention then they will atrophy and the split will become less distinct.... ie. ignore it and it will go away.

Our current therapist lets nothing be known. It is so frustrating, as I've spent the last 18 months educating her, while recieving no help in return. Not even any indication that she has understood the things I have been trying to tell her. I'm not there to be a 'consultant' and teach her, otherwise I should be getting paid a consultant's fee.

this is what I mean about get no appreciable help. Therapy is going nowhere. I get no help from anyone. They even have an annoying habbit of making things worse and not giving a sh*t about it.
I refuse to endure another 5, 10, 20 or more years of this rubbish and still going nowhere. I honestly mean it, we all do. Death is preferable. I would like to be able to live life again, but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to go. I'm 32 yo (according to my birth certifiate). I can't continue on like this into my
40's or 50's, especially considering that half of us are teens or younger, and the older ones are few and all of our alters that are over 30yo are all rather nast persecutors. (our 30th birthday was a day of mourning..... we had joined the persecutors)

To us, our life has already passed us by... anything from now on is death.

Sorry for being such a downer

Lahl

Hi Lahl, Yeah, I know what you mean about being down. you have to feel your feelings. I didnt know what xian meant but after thinking about it , i think I know what it means. Guess what. I have the same trigger. It is HUGE for me too. I think john bradshaw mentioned that he was a xian once in the tapes, and on occassion speaks of our creator or higher consciousness. never , ever any xian stuff. I think, from what I am hearing from you, that those videos would help you . they are invaluable to me. John B. actually says organizied relig. is abusive to people. what part of the globe do you live? I just started reading an interesting book by charles whitfield. He tells about the controversy of the diagnosis of mpd and did. there is a group that formed in the late 80's in the US who called mpd stuff "false memory syndrome" and the media got a hold of their info and started a big thing. this group and their thinking became very powerful. counselors and psychiatrists even fell for it. i just started reading it so that is all i have gotten to so far. I am so angry that there is no good treatment for mpd. either the therapists dont believe in it, (that makes them in denial) or they dont want to look bad in their peer group, or they dont want to be bothered because "we" are just too complicated and messed up. However, if they just took the approach that all they need to do is let each alter express herself or himself and work with each as an individual, that is pretty much all that has to happen. and then get internal communication going. If the alters cant speak up, there cant be healing. that is what i think. I am sorry you are feeling so down. I get that way too. I think we have to take control of our own therapy and , in a way, do our own therapy. I am wondering if you have any 12 step programs in your area. if you are not an alcoholic, there are others out there, like al-anon, and acoa. take care, moonbeam

moonbeam wrote: I just started reading an interesting book by charles whitfield. He tells about the controversy of the diagnosis of mpd and did. there is a group that formed in the late 80's in the US who called mpd stuff "false memory syndrome" and the media got a hold of their info and started a big thing. this group and their thinking became very powerful. counselors and psychiatrists even fell for it. i just started reading it so that is all i have gotten to so far.

Yeah, have done a lot of reseach by myself on this and many other topics to the point where my therapist says that I know way more than her about it and that I should be lecturing about it at the universities that train all the new psychs. Hows that for a laugh

My peeve about the whole FMS stuff is that like many things in society, the people that try to make a point seem to insist on making blanket statements about everything (eg. whats true in one case must be true for all). They state that just because some memories cannot be verified then ALL memories are suspect and should not be believed. This is the exact all or nothing/black&white/true or false rubbish that messes up with ever finding the truth which lies somewhere inbetween. Get inbetween the 2 extremes, each claiming they are right, and you risk getting shot for it. IME, nothing is ever absolute, nothing is black or white, true or false (including this statement )

then of course there's the huge debacle over the seperation of DID and MPD from the DSM-IV and the ICD-10. Personally, I think that both Dx are valid as different cases, although the origins and actual problems and effects of both are similar but separate Dx's

Of course there's always the people that have DID symptoms from iatrogenic or facticious origins,which doesn't exactly make things easier for us in terms of educating the medical community. I think it will be a long time before anything is ever really concretely decided on the matter, about its causes, symptoms, effects etc etc.

In other words..... we have a long way to go

I am wondering if you have any 12 step programs in your area. if you are not an alcoholic, there are others out there, like al-anon, and acoa.

I wouldn't go near a 12 step program if you paid me a milion $$s.
12 step programs are xian based programs to keep the sick sick by making them continue to believe they are sick and are powerless to change that (eg. once an alchoholic, always an alcoholic), exactly as the xians would do, and have you rely on a 'higher power' for all your strength, just as the xians do. You take no responsibility for the good things that happen, the progress you make, thats all attributed to the 'higher power', and any setbacks, failures, backsliding, well thats all your fault. Yet another xian doctrine. 12 step programs are nothing more than xian dogma wrapped up in secular terminology to keep people dependent on the system. it's xianity in a re-wrapped box.

I didnt know what xian meant but after thinking about it , i think I know what it means. Guess what. I have the same trigger. It is HUGE for me too.

well, I guess if you have the same triggers about xianity, then you'll understand why I'm too scared to set foot outside, or to turn on the TV or radio (unless I'm watching movies etc or listening to a CD )

For someone that is so phobic of xianity and is triggered by so many things, it makes it real real hard to step foot outside into a society thats based on xianity. Many connections between the 2 are invisible to most people, but having been well and truly brainwashed from the inside, I see all the connections and influences of xianity on society everywhere. It is impossible to escape it or avoid it. I was hoping therapy would at least help me with practical things like learning to deal with everyday life in society without freaking out all the time, but no such luck there.
Instead, if I am forced to go outside somewhere, then one of out others usually takes over for that period, which could mean looking like a slob one day, a goth gurl in black with spikes and blue hair, or some happy joy joy party favour that makes me sick at the amount of 'niceness' she displays

*shrug*.... oh well

Gravity huh .......... the world sucks

Lahl

yes, it is very hard for me to get through most days due to being triggered (big time triggered) by xianity. just last night I opened and email (dont know who sent it--just random i guess) and I read it because i thought i might have known the person who sent it. anyway as i scrolled down i was absolutely shocked to see an image that I cant see. Screamed and switched.

I was thinking of going to a 12 step for support. but now that I think of it. I better not. we are doing this thing right in our home. this therapy , that is.

Lahl,

Well, I think it's a must for all of us to continue researching. I can tell by how you write and points that you raise that you're a very bright cookie, and yeah, life is frustrating for a DID. I have no doubt that you could give a very informative lecture to the pros. I've had to do my own research. I'm always educating my therapist about how I experience things. DOn't be worrying about the 30s, 40s or 50s. They will take care of themselves. Tthings will get better.Can you find any meaning in your suffering?

shrinkrapper wrote: I'm always educating my therapist about how I experience things. DOn't be worrying about the 30s, 40s or 50s. They will take care of themselves. Tthings will get better.Can you find any meaning in your suffering?

I wish it was as simple as educating my T about 'me' and how we experience things. But no. I have to educate her on basic theory, simple history, about high profile cases, things that you would expect the T that is treating you to have learned in the first 5 minutes of doing a little research on the subject.

How would you feel if after over 12-18 months or more of weekly 'therapy' that your T claimed to have never heard of someone like Truddi Chase and other people, or showed a complete lack of comprehension on the very basic nature of DID and other things, getting everything wrong.

We have confronted her about it many times, warning her that if she is acting ignorant for manipulative purposes, then thats something we will NOT stand for, and we can't belive that any T could possibly be that incompetent to not know these things and still be qualified as an experienced therapist.

As for not worrying about our 30s, 40s and 50s..... we've already had our 1s, teens, 20s and now into our 30s stolen from us, and our life has already half passed us by, gone, never to be recovered. If it takes another 10-20 years to work through therapy and other things, well, I find that unacceptible, having the majority of my life stolen from me by the abuse and/or incompetance of others. They will not take care of themselves.

And sorry, but I can do without the meaningless platitudes and fairytales about "things getting better" and "meaning in our suffering". If we still thought like that we'd still be a mindless automaton caught in a MC cult.

Lahl

Hi Lahl,

I can see that you're feeling frustrated and angry. I can understand how you find some of what I said as being trite. There such is alot of loss with DID/PTSD and whatever. I've lost my teens, 20,30,40 and hopefully, not my 50's. Lots of time I've felt like "psychiatric roadkill"and is the "cure" going to happen in my lifetime.

It's also been my experience when I've been feeling the way you are that it's hard to say anything that is helpful. I was trying to be supportive. To say hang in. You don't know that things won't get better. I've been in a heavy duty depression for a good 5 years. Antidepressants did little. Just recently I've started to improve. That's why I've been able to go online. I'm far from fine, but I'll take whatever small improvement I can get. and I just turned 50. I'm telling you things can improve.

Hope you are feeling better. Take Care

Shrinkrapper