new & unsure--my story

Hi all,

I have been diagnosed with bipolar, borderline, ADD, left temporal lobe partial seizures, substance abuse, and PTSD at various times. I take meds which seem to help, which makes me think that the bipolar and ADD and seizure diagnoses are accurate. About a year and a half ago my husband came with me to my pdoc (psychiatrist) appt because he felt there was something wrong beyond the bipolar. He was doing things like videotaping me when I was in these "states" so I could see what I looked like. When he told my pdoc about my symptoms, my pdoc thought it might be DID and referred me to a specialist.

When I looked up the specialist, I did not like his "politics" so did not go. I was very uneasy about having false memories "implanted" because I am so suggestible. I am a cult survivor. (I have since changed my mind about this.) But when I complained again about my symptoms to my pdoc, he said he didn't think meds would help these, and I should see a specialist. So I agreed to find a different therapist.

I was blessed to find a great therapist who is a good fit for me. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I have been sexually abused and have repressed the memories. We decided to do some deep work, and I see her twice a week for two hour sessions. Lately it has gotten pretty rocky.

She hasn't said she thinks I have DID directly, but we do talk a lot about my parts and we use drawing a lot to give the nonverbal parts a way to communicate. Recently she asked me to map out what I guess would be "my system." She encourages me to have daily "committee meetings" so that "everyone" gets a chance to give their input. She feels that the memories will come when I am ready, and that they are starting to emerge is a sign that I am. I am almost 50.

When she asked me if there was anything I wanted from her, one of the things was that she would talk directly to my parts. She said she did not want to do this, she wanted them to go through what we are calling the "adult" or "parental" part, which is charged with taking care of "everybody else."

What is confusing to me is that I think I have always had what I guess would be "co-consciousness" except for the amnesia about the abuse. What I am getting from the drawings and flashes is so outside of my "box" that I don't know what to do with them. I can't figure out where and when they occurred. I am suspecting third grade, because that is the age of the other children I see/draw, and I don't remember third grade very well. "I" also have very poor math and spelling skills, and trying to do math triggers tears.

My DH (dear hubby) says that DID would explain what is otherwise inexplicable instantaneous "switching" between being extremely upset (i.e. sobbing uncontrollably) and then perfectly composed if I have to answer a phone call. He has witnessed at least three parts emerge--Saw Baby, Angelica, and Jeweliette. He is in love with Jeweliette (she is Red/1st Chakra and holds my passion) and I am very jealous of her and somewhat afraid of her. Hmm these sound sort of like altars, don't they.

I have also been confused because I have an extremely vivid imagination and I have characters that I have "played" complete with imaginary friends that have comforted me for years. I have recently begun to wonder if one, that has been my "go to" persona for 38 years, might be an altar. I am really embarrassed about him, because it doesn't seem like a normal/adult activity to act out the same scenario endlessly. I feel like it helps me express the unremembered trauma.

As far as my memories, it is very strange because I have been having the emotions come up and express but I don't know what they are about. I do feel like they validate that something happened. They have been rather intense lately as I have been doing research on the internet about what I fear may have happened to me. I've realized that I need to be careful and go slowly.

Gosh this is getting long, yet I feel like I've just scratched the surface. So I'll stop. I am so hungry for connection. I haven't found a therapeutic group IRL.

Anyway, thanks in advance for your comments, and thanks, moderators for the work you do. I've been a mod on a bipolar board for five years (I'm on hiatus now) so I have some idea of what it takes.

~Indigo Girl
(and various voices want me to add that they are witnessing and they have approved this message, lol)

Hey

Don't really know where to start, was rather a lot for us to read lol.

I can't say yes/no as to whether or not you have DID. Really hope you can get some answers though.

Suppose all i can say is welcome - the guys & girls here have been really really helpful so maybe they'll be able to help where I cant.

- Mara
xxx

Thanks, Mara.

I was rather a lot to read, wasn't it! I think I have been backed up for a while, and it all came pouring out this morning when I finally got the nerve to post.

It has been so helpful to read your and everyone's posts. I am feeling a lot more compassion for my self(ves) and motivated to check in and really listen more.

It's pretty clear to me that if I'm not proactive "they" will act out anyway. I have a big work deadline coming up, and I need everybody to work together. I work for my self very sporadically, so it is a big challenge to be consistently--well, consistently anything!

I have a part that gets suicidal if I back off from my quest of recovery. I think I need to reassure her that shifting my (our?) focus to work is temporary, and part of my long-term healing plan. I think the teenagers have said "it's cool." But she has been holding pain for so long that she doesn't trust/know that I am committed.

Anyway, it's a relief to be able to express what is going on in these terms. Right now I am feeling like this framework is very useful/helpful.

Okay, I gotta get back to work!

~Indigo Girl

Long post, lots of good things, and a lot to sort out for you. The sorting out, is this DID or not, is more a matter, I think, of taking time to figure out what that means to you and how you can work with that. I am not an expert at all - I am just trying to get an idea of 'my system' myself.

You seem to have good support, but your therapy load, wow, probably would be a lot for me. I think my T is willing to talk directly to my parts. He talks and explains that he can see that all my parts are listening in. I can notice that too. I sometimes feel he talks as if he is talking to a 4 year old (which I don't seem to like btw). And he wants my parts, when they are comfortable, to come out and get to know him. If that is to happen, then how can he not directly talk to them?
To me your request made sense. I am curious to hear what others think about that.

Yeah, go slow and take your time. It won't go away fast anyway!

Dar

Welcome welcome!

Hope unloading all of that helped you a bit!

Feel free to ask any questions if you have any! Or if you need some one on one, you are more than welcome to PM'ing me!

Dar -- thanks. I think you are right, the point is quality of life and being able to do "activities of daily living" which has always been quite up and down for me. I'm now understanding that dissociative disorders are a spectrum, and I'm suspecting that mine, if I have one, is relatively mild in some respects. Maybe my tdoc doesn't want to exacerbate it? She does listen while I report what "they" are "saying." And come to think of it, she has talked directly to my "inner child" once.

Anyway, thanks for your input.

Mr Bates (sorry I forget your names) -- thanks! Now that I have found this forum, it's really hard to stay away. Especially when I am procrastinating on work.

~Indigo Girl

Mr. Bates, or Bates, is just fine. Sort of covers us all. Plus when there's no name signed (usually) at the end, its me the main person posting. Frank and D will sign their name at the bottom.