wanting to leave

hey i don't know how to say this.. but i'm really getting tired of being here sometimes. just wanna join my lovingly good alter/friends and all that $#%^.. last time i fully detached some bad alters started to take control of my body it felt .. and threatened to do something bad to my dad.. gargh .. so i left for the emergency room and got admitted to a psych facility for like 9 days.. was like still detached from actually being fully there and my head felt mental and reaelly detached from being my self.. there.. they chucked me out coz i have good emotional and behavioural control and i was "socialising" with other patients.. damn psychiatrists.. anyway.. i really wanna like not exist for a couple of days but scared as to who or what is gonna replace me.. gargh..

yeah i only split like 6 weeks ago.. whenever i develop a connection to someone that could help me they.. my so called friends wanna dump me.. but i don't think i have DID.. i just dissociated really badly recently, and had to create others to replace my not being there, coz i couldn't be there.. i was worn down..everyday of those 6 weeks i felt the pressure in my head get worse and worse as the mental stress got worse and worse..up until my planned appointment to see my fam dr , that place welcomed me.. but they chucked me out when they saw i could be helped by him, unfortuneately he was too busy.. and i felt alone and really depressed.. i completely detached from being here and they threatened to take over (the bad ones)...

I'm not sure what to do really.. like.. i really love my good alters;/friends.. and i don't want to be here right now.. though i know i need to be... otherwise $#%^ will happen (i think? :S) anyway.. i haven't been diagnosed or anything.. i didn't tell the psychiatrists everything.. i just met them!!! so i haven't a clue what to do.. and yeah my good alters/friends aren't helping me out with this decision i guess it's my choice.. i wanna go back to that psych ward.. so i don't completely have to *be there* and everyone will be safe.. oh yeah and i just left the psych ward like 4 days ago.. but i am damn tired of being here already..

I know i am weak like.. you guys have had this for so much longer and yeah.. i need advice.. thanks for listening

and very sorrry if it's repetitive or confusing!!!!!

hi,

I love my alters that love me, I know what you mean.
I have tried several kinds of therapy, and Mr. Bates has
always given it to me straight, no matter if I did not want
to know or hear it.

If coming on this forum, makes you switch to a negative alter,
maybe for go this forum for a bit.

When my negative alter "gets face time" he won't let go, and it
is very hard to get evenly adjusted for me.

Where my other alters I don't even worry and seems when I switch it is smooth even in mid-sentence.

I have struggled with this for several yrs.
I hope this helps some how, and I hate to put Bates
on a spot, but he has helped me.

peace-
red

oh yeah one more thing:

You are NOT weak.

Everybody has something they need to do but really would rather not deal with, DID or not. But you have to do the right thing and stick with it. Running away only makes the situation worse.

And bad news, if you have alters, you have DID. Time to face the music, kid. None of this denial business. Don't make me use that stupid expression on you!

Stick around, post away. I think I can speak for everyone on the DID forum when I say, the more you post and talk about your problems, the better you feel, and the easier you start to find coping with everything.

We're here. We're real people, dealing with DID, just like you. And we'll always do our best to help you.

I check this site multiple times a day, every day. If you need to discuss anything one on one, feel free to message me. Just remember, Red isn't joking when she says I don't sugarcoat my answers

I'm straightforward cuz people need honest answers, not fake sympathy, more than anything.

I don;t think i have alters.. well it just felt like dissociation into different like people or myself when i was a younger age .. it was all in my head.. some would pop out of no where and then they wouldn't be in action or sending me any message or anything.. some are freaky.. one of them appeared after watching like 2 mins of like a crime show.. i guess he tried to protect me from past threats.. they all seem to be related to past harm where my psych felt trespassed... it all seems a bit like *too much in my own head* sorrry

the other day another one came out.. showing me what she was gonna do to my dad like injure him some how.. and she wanted to just get angry at the psych ward i was just at.. this person or thing/alter was from the memory of....


possible trigger






















when my dad threatened to burn me alive coz of my *lazy state of existence*.. when in fact i was severely depressed about live.. had no hope of ever being a good enough person.. and couldn't function properly mentally. let alone try to function physically...

any way that was like at age 20?? but my psych was badly like non existing -functioning properly by then...and it felt like i had to move all my bodily sensations to my head just in case for future precaution..

this alter.. not me ** she appeared after me going to sleep during the day.. it felt like the reality i just was in was just an illusion(and crumbled like one) ... the next day it felt like she was affecting my mind.. actually penetrated the barrier or whatever!!!! i was able to stay away from my house and it seemed fine! i just went to bed (with music) and slept !

the next day her messages/images she shows me aren;t as clipped up and the back of my mind felt harder!????weird

anyway i think or don't doubt her ability to confuse me about whois who and who is reacting to what i,e anger and reactions.. .......................gargh.. .......................................

ps. i really didn't defend myself at all when it occured.. mentally or physically or try to remove myself from home life..eventually i kind of forgot about it ,,,,:S

When anyone "comes out" that isn't you, and assumes the role of your body, even for a brief period, is an alter.

Telling yourself you're not something, even when its clear you are, does NOT make it just poof away. Part of you MUST believe you are multiple (a person with DID) or you wouldn't be here posting on this forum. Trust that part, cuz at least that's being honest with yourself.

what kind of therapy is used for this problem? DO i EVEN have a problem? :S
this could just be short term stress problems.. like if i moved out all of the problems would go away? logically..
what will therapy do.. i think i will just confuse the therapist.. and nothing will get resolved. like no one could help..
My psychologist that i met once knows some of the problems but she only suggest Mindfulness and stress relieving techniques,. haven't told her about that last alter i mentioned in the prev post.. sorry i feel like i'm just talking to myself.. but i need some guidelines as to how to go about working with a psychologist/therapist..

sorrry for being so stressful!!!

p.s. they haven't assumed my body they just show me things related to how they feel and what they'd like to do..



TRIGGERS **********************




















ie. in the past i had a small aged one.. who would show me she;d like want to fall into traffic if she didn't or wasn;t able to get a particular teddy bear she wanted.. and also some person's wanting to run away (little ones from the psych ward and just sit down and dissociate again) and also some persons wanting to fall onto a Kn*(& so they could die...another wanted to carry the smallest of Kn*#(# just to protect my room from being trespassed and from me being hurt (emotionally, psychologically /prevent from more damage)... yeah i have other like messages ?? sort of but i;ll save them for later.. i don't have a clue why i;m telling you all this but i think it's better than telling a therapist who doesn't have a clue!!! and i'll just forget to tell her/him anyways!!! like i do..! and then nothing will get resolved!!

i used to produce people who would help me do basic things and ones that had identities that was like modeled on say.. a nurse, manager, etc one in case i wanted to become these personalitities in the near future.. but i don't know where these went and the others in the above paragraph seem to be triggered from the past... but i totally never felt the way they(extremely) feel ..god... sorry for being so confusinG!!!!!


oh yeah it felt like my subconscious mind got superimposed on my conscious mind.. weird .. and i saw the imagery of that too!!!! weirdly enough

Everything you're describing goes WAY beyond stress. This will not go away from playing with a stress ball or listening to soothing music.

As for therapy for DID, I hate therapy. I refuse to go to therapy. But I have a stable system so it doesn't have that significant of an effect on me.

Don't go to a pill doctor, there are no pills for DID.

Though the fact they're just showing you things, and not taking over sounds more like schizophrenia to me.

Maybe you should sit with a therapist. But don't mention what you think you are, diagnosis-wise. Just simply discuss what you've discussed here, without name-dropping disorders, and see what they have to say.

When looking for a therapist, make sure dissociative disorders is on their list of specialities (they usually list them under their name online/in the phone book).

Hi alterations,

I haven't been able to read all your messages yet (I am going to read them all when I can), but I just wanted to say welcome to the board, and how good it is of you that you're writing here.. I'm thinking of you!!

Nindy

Hi Nindy

Please do not read the triggering bits they are a bit umm what's the word.. capable of triggering perhaps..? if your feeling upset..

Hi Bates..

All these things are related to how i used to feel.. Like Suic*#( and such a few years ago.. my mind does this sometimes.. does the depression thinking thing in my head.. and then i forget or try to steer myself away from that thinking and it works! and also.. when things get overwhelming.. reality cirumstances i really drift off and like yesterday i drifted off and fell asleep at 1 pm.. haha..and also my mind just forgets.. like just clicks off from having to think about too much thinking/disstressing concepts (about where i was gonna live... in a hostel (isolated, or in my fam home.. with my mind being scared to be there) at the one time..

I have never ever been schizophrenic or heard voices or anything out of my head.. all this stuff has been related to heaps of pressure and inability to stress relieve.. and also issues dealing with my psych feeling cracked to pieces (at times) and no time for my head to shut off** for like 6 weeks or so.. my head was always on the attention of my dad.. and when i was unable to have 10 mins of watching tv without him falling over in the street and being semi - blamed that confirmed my thinking that i could not shut off (my mind, in my mind )during after his illness i dissociated everyday... and i did it also when listening to music.. usually i just dissociated automatically when my mind needed a break.. i had no clue what the hell my head was doing at the time.. )no matter how much i could talk about things they still dont get relieved.. (but coming here is okay i think?) anyway!..

I wouldn't refuse any drug on the market though i did fear being put on anti-psychotics on my admission into hosp about 13 days ago..
Like how stressful@.@ anyways... i hope i don't sound like a psycho talking soooooo much and talking your ear off .. but i don't think im suffering that.. like with the news and music thing, i don't get messages...


I will reiterate (if it's of use,benefit) but they*** came from were created by my mind *thinking that they;d like to protect me from being hurt psychologically from past harm and prev current events feel things for me (my mind or whatever using violence if it would help.. ) they feel things to the extreme.. and think to the exteme with dealing with issues..

Man my head need a vacation or something.. maybe a vaccum will do.. :S i just gotta calm my mind down somehow.. ALOT has happened recently!! hmm

Sorry for talking too much about this .. kind of feel like i had to prove myself.. for some goddamn reason.. argh.. nothing related to you guys just my head -.. doing something strange// (needing to prove/ reiterate my point of view)

i think i need to stop thinking about this.. it makes it a bit more stressful and being at home is stressful!!.. i'll talk later. Hope you guys have a relatively good day,, see ya