Fictional past?

This might sound a little strange.

I feel a little oblivious about myself sometimes, and I only realized this recently...

some of my "others" seem to have... their own interpretation on the events of their lives. Some of it seems wholly made up. I know almost without a doubt that some of these things they feel have happened really have not. Some of them seem to be just somewhat askew from the real events of my life. Such as: I was never violently abused, but one feels as though that happened.

To some extent this calls into question my own memory of the past, although I feel that I know more than the others what really happened. I sometimes lose control over my actions, my thoughts, and emotions but I remember most all of what happens if only in the background as a bystander.

Still I'm a little weary! I'm sure they feel they know the truth of my past, and I don't know how to take that. Am I wrong? Surely not... but they might say the same. I don't know what to trust.

Yeah, I had doubts of the past my alters shared with me, but a few flashbacks, and some evidence adding onto their stories and some of the flashbacks, changed my mind

But how can you tell?

AHHH.

It's just so frustrating. They all say different things... about everything!

Maybe a misinterpretation on my part? Gah... I just thought they were all liars!

I think I failed to recognize some of "my own" actions against myself as possible explanations to how the others feel they were treated. My god I feel crazy.

oh jeez, I know just how you feel.

when Im at my most anxious moments, i begin to doubt the reality of my life and my past altogether.

because some alters have extensive memories of acts and things that they've gone and done, but it just seems like theres no way those things could have happened.

and all the suggestions point to some trauma or abuse that i experienced, but i have no memory of it and there doesnt seem any plausible place for them to have happened. .. but i do have weird (and very vivid) flashbacks. and its impossible to tell whether theyre real or not due to the fact that there's no evidence of it not having occurred. and it scares the bejeezus out of me. : /

I recognise the doubts.. especially since we were really young and when I look up people on the internet (which I shouldnt) who have some sort of connection to our abuse and they seem like normal or good people, I freak out.. there are some bits of evidence about our past, and the memories fit into one another if you look at all our stories as a puzzle of one life.. but it's hard and some things are just hard to place.. or might be just a little distorted because 1. with some things we were extremely young (abuse went on from ages 1/2 to 11) and we've (alters too) suppressed memories so they might have come back a little altered with some facts and maybe people changed, who knows, and 2. the most important perpetrator in our past was a great brainwasher, leader of a cult, knew full well how to stimulate DID and could do crazy things with memories and such.. we don't know the name or location in our neighborhood of this most important perpetrator although we know he exists because our original person who knows nothing of the abuse has a suggestive memory of him (don't you know me anymore, why don't you come with me?), but we do know names and locations of other perpetrators who are somehow connected to him.. But that freak knows how to play with minds and how to cut connections of off him and how to put us in impossible positions.. So, we know the dilemma..

Try to have some faith in your system though.. you don't remember these things for a reason, and they do to protect you.. Even if things weren't exactly like they represent it, the global picture is still the truth, and they've saved you from it all, and bear it for you.. Try to keep that in mind even during those doubts..