Gahhh..

Headaches.. not being on this world.. we're gonna do mathematics exam 19th of May, German exam 28th of May.. then somewhere in July another mathematics exam.. if we'd function normally we'd be in our last year of our high school, now we're taking a couple of classes at a time at home and doing exams in the classes we have that year.. started last year with English.. this would have been our final year.. but we're most likely finished in 2012.. maybe sooner if we manage to take more than two classes one of the upcoming years.. dammit.

In the meantime, we also had psychological testing and stuff.. the results are in, but there's a technical mishap so we still don't know a thing.. we're gonna get them the 26th probably.. although it's doubtful how much they're worth..

Our fostermom's (old) dog is reaching its end probably.. everyone around us is emotional.. we feel aliens because we've never managed to conjure up many emotions for humans or animals.. sure we're caring and nice to them, to everyone.. but we don't know what we feel or if we feel. We're said to feel, we're just not sure of it.. we're living to far away to feel..

argh.. point.. just dammit.. the world is nothing

I don't know if it's the dissociation.. we worry about being a bad person.. a too detached person to care.. we worry about if we really love people although we say we love them.. why do we say it, do we mean it, do we say it to the meanings we attach to persons or because we actually see and appreciate the persons.. we just don't know.. we should stop doubting and thinking.. and we can't.. what are we doing here.. we shouldnt be here.. what are we..

It sounds like you're feeling pretty stressed! Take a deep breath, keep the lines of communication open with your system, and don't worry. Keeping yourself from feeling too close to other people and not allowing your emotions to come to the surface are probably self-defense mechanisms. Don't let it alarm you or doubt that you're a good person... would you intentionally harm someone for no reason? I doubt it.

Things will get better, so hang in there!

i agree. be good to your selves. you are not a bad person. i spend a lot of time not being able to feel anything. i know i care about others, i just can't feel it at the time. we all know you are a caring person.

don't be surprised if the psychological test can't be read. i've taken some in the past and they were all inconclusive. they told me it was like several people filled it out. i keep contradicting myself. you'd think i would have figured out that i was multiple, but i didn't for many years.daah

oh well, hope you feel better soon!
benny

Dimensional,

Sorry for the rough time and for your doggy being sick. Stress has a huge and horrible impact on our system and we struggle to find one place to rest our attention at times. It can get better dimensional, finding that one thing which will appeal to your system and doing it may help. Like a day out somewhere or a short trip to somewhere you can feel good. Sometimes just getting out in the fresh air will make a difference.

Take care

hugs

jorja
x

Matt has been diagnosed, in the past, as having an attachment disorder. When he gets too close to someone, it's like he sabatoges himself to make the person NOT like him. It comes from being let down by so many people in his life or being hurt by the ones that he trusted and moved from foster home to foster home.

To a lot of people, not just Multi's, Love + Trust = Exposing yourself to be hurt (true, but not always the case). If you don't have feelings for someone or something, they don't have the power to hurt you, hence, automatic defense mechanism. And you can't feel bad about yourself for feelings that just aren't there, no more than you control what makes you angry or sad or depressed. Our feelings aren't something we can control. We may be able to hide them, but they're there (or not).


Pam

Thanks everyone, for the reassuring and supportive replies, it really means a lot to us and really helps us out too, since we can get really worked up about the not seeming to be able to care for people thing.. but indeed, the defense mechanisms, the attachment problems.. that definitely fits. Besides that we're suspected of some autistic-related characteristics too.. anyway, nothing to get worked up over. The system is kind of out of touch at the moment, but we're gonna make a list of what the most important issues of alters are at the moment, and the states of the most important alters.. so I think that should help with the communication. I do feel presences of them and feelings, like clouds sort of, but there's no communication right now.

Thanks again all, really helping us here..

The dog died about an hour ago.. a little of us (Lisa) came to say goodbye to him.

Sorry to hear that. Hope everyone is feeling okay.

Pam

(((((Dimensional)))))

I'm sorry about your dog. The only silver lining is that he's no longer suffering. Try to remember that and the good times you had together. I am sure he had a blessed life with someone like you as a part of it.