Hi All, It's me again, sorry

Needing advise. It's been a little while since I've been on here, because Matt left home around a month ago, right after his court date. (for those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, read my past post, it's a BOOK, lol) During that month, my mother came home from the hospital, from being there for over a month, having radiation treatments for terminal cancer and died, so I didn't have a lot of time to think about Matt's decision to leave home.

He called a couple of times, but I'm not sure his motives were good, but I was still happy to hear from him.

But here's the situation. He was arrested for "Joy Riding". Was told to pay court cost and get his license and all would be forgiven, before his next court date. 2 days after his 1st court date he chose to leave and go out on his own. I figured my obligation was over with the court, since he appeared, but apparently not!! I get a call from the bail bondsman, saying the second court date had come and gone and Matt hadn't complied, therefore, there was a warrant out for his arrest and I was now responsible for the $2500 bond!!! One hell of a month for me! I'm dealing with the grief of losing my mother, but this made me drag my butt out of bed and do some P.I. work. I found him, went and got him, explained the situation to him and he agreed to come home and face the music.

Here's the question. Do I, fight my motherly urge and let him go before the judge all by himself and let him be the 18 year old he's so proud of being or do I get up there and plead with the judge to give him another chance? I'm sure I can, seeing as it is a misdemenor, but I feel if Matt gets up there, he will go to jail. If I get up there, I'm putting my butt on the line, again, for the bail and there is no way I can make him pay his fines and get his driver's license. So, if I get him more time, there's no guarantee that the wild alter's won't take over and he take off, again, leaving me on the line for money I don't have?

Any advise is, as always, greatly appreciated.
Pam of the Mono Mind

Part of me says get him out of trouble this one last time. And part of me says ###$ it, he chose to leave on his own, he can fight the court system on his own.

I guess the parentally right thing to do would be this one last favor, since this is part of old news anyway. And then any new trouble is his own trouble.

i'm so sorry to hear your mom passed. are you ok? i say you need to take care of you first, then worry about matt. matt needs to learn to respect you more if you are to help him. don't let him walk all over you. you have problems of your own. if he can't see that , he doesn't deserve your help.

my husband is still having trouble because of crimes he committed when a teenager 40 yrs ago! sometimes they will give you the option of treatment if drugs are involved. i wish my hubby could talk to you, he knows a lot more than i do on that subject. i never really got in any legal trouble. i was trouble, just didn't get caught.

keep us posted, and again, my deepest sympathy about your mom. know you are in my prayers.

benny

Thank you both for your replies!!!! I hope you both know how much I value your opinions and they do help me.

Benny, thank you so much for your caring words! I've dealt with grief before, but nothing like this! T says it's normal, gave me the sheet of "normal" behavior. I'm in the "depressed" stage, next I'm suppose to get "mad" next, before I can finally get to the "acceptance" stage ??

Again, Thank you both so much!

Pam

I am so sorry for your loss, Pam. Monday will be 4 years since my grandmother died (who was more like a mother to me than my own mother) and I'm still not done grieving. I know your pain well and am sorry you have to go through this. But I'm glad your mother is no longer suffering. *huge hugs*

As for Matt- the best thing you can do as a parent at this stage is to let him get his own ass out of it. He needs to hit rock bottom, as do his alters, and for many people that involves jail time. This is what my parents had to do and, while it was a horrible feeling at the time, years later I am soooo grateful. If they had continued to bail me out, pay my fines, beg judges, and then forgive like it was nothing... I'd probably be dead because doing all of that gave me unspoken permission to keep on messing up. I needed to learn to hold my own self/selves accountable as opposed to counting on mommy and daddy to do this. And while I'm not a parent, and my partner's child is young, I can only begin to imagine this would be the hardest thing for a parent to do. Sometimes the hardest things are the best ones. But continuing to pay his fines and talk to judges and get him released just says to him (and more so this misbehaving alter): "Well you're free to do it again and I'll be there when they call from jail." I know you don't want to help them selves-destruct. The best thing is to let him deal with it while you hope/pray/meditate/whatever-you-do.

-Leigh

(((pam))) am sorry for your loss. What a terrible time of it and such a huge amount of pain to deal with whilst Matt is having such troubles.

Not being a mum, nor ever in your situation, just wanted to say am hoping things begin to work out for you both very soon. This has to be draining at a time when am sure all you feel like doing is curling up and being alone with your grief. Maybe Matt will respond to your need for him to behave and be responsible whilst you need him to be around as a caring son? Not sure if that will happen but my prayers and wishes for a calmer time all round come with this message.

Am sending gentle hugs if ok to you and Matt.

Look after yourself.

Julia
x

Thanks for all the advise. We went to court this morning. I met with the judge's secretary, who went into his office and we heard him say that Matt was 18 and he was responsible for getting his court cost and licenses taken care of and told her to call the sherriff's department to pick him up. I did get upset, asked the secretary if there was anything, at all, that I could do. She told me to walk into the judge's office and just talk to him. I tried, he sympathized with me, but repeated what he'd said to the secretary, but he would set bail for him. But it doesn't matter, even if they set it at $20, I still wouldn't be able to go and get him. I won't be able to talk to him until Wednesday.

I just feel like I've failed him. It was my job to teach him about being an adult. He's been passed from home to home since he's been born and all he knows is "the system", being locked up in juvinile holding facilities, foster home after foster home. He's never had any basic "home training" (as we call it here in the south, lol). I feel like I was so preoccupied, I let him slip through the cracks and he did what he's always done, run.

I'm beginning to realize that the best thing for him would be for him to serve his time, but when he gets out, he'll still have the fines and cost facing him and a misdemenor on his record.

I just need to keep remembering the "Serenity Prayer" and take it one step at a time.

Thank you all, again, for your thoughts. They really do help!

Pam

For those of you, sitting on the edge of your seats, just waiting to hear more about "Life With King Matt", I'm here to update your curiosity

I guess my crying to the judge did help. They reinstated his bond, which still leaves me responsible for the $2500 if he runs, again, and released him within 24 hours. Paperwork took longer than anything.

But now I'm back at square one. I'm not sure if Matt's month of hiding in his friends closet was enough to make him appreciate his life, here with us. He says he KNOWS we love him and I'm sure he does, but that angry alter that drinks, he has no love for anyone and I just don't know how to get through to him. I have a T appointment on Monday. I plan on taking Matt with me, he said he'd go, just to meet my T and see if she's someone he might could work with. We've got to get Mr. Angry under control if Matt and Kinfolk want to have a life that doesn't consist of wearing an orange jump suit!

AND, does this mean I'm "enabling" him again? God I wish I had another personality in my head to beat these things out with, but with only me in here, I'm reaching out to the experts I don't want to be an "enabler". I want to learn how to help him move forward and I can't give up and I'm tired of people telling me to! I could not love this child any more if I'd given birth to him. I feel God brought him to me. How many DID kids, especially in such a rural area, get placed next door to someone that has dealt with DID before. I worked for quite some time on a site as a moderator over "friends & family support" and I had the "littles" forum. But NEVER dealt with any teens, and no males at all, at least no one in a male body. My T says she knows and believes in DID, so that's a plus! Only to get Matt to trust her.

You MUST stop blaming yourself for the trouble Matt has been getting into. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. He came to you after years and years in a bad situation that you did not create and could not prevent. You gave him unconditional love, and that is the best offer any parent can give a child. There is nothing at all you have done to fail him. His decisions are his own.

And yes, you are still enabling him. By hauling him off to your T, his decisions are not being made by him but by you. The one thing you are showing him is that YOU are the only one you trust to make decisions about Matt's life. He clearly has some serious issues to deal with, but I think that you could give him more credit. He CAN make his own life... even if it's one that you would not choose for him. The key point is that at least it's HIS life. Doesn't Matt deserve to make choices? Haven't so many people jostled him around from place to place, taken him from bad situation to bad situation just to put him back in a dangerous place, that he deserves to screw up just as he pleases? At least he would be in charge of his destiny for once.

I am giving you some tough love, sweetie. You must let this young man fly for his benefit as well as your own.

On a separate note, my condolences over your loss. I hope your family can come together for support as you learn to grieve. Many big hugs for you.((()))

Thanks for the advise and I do agree. With me, it's just that strong maternal instinct that when you see your child fixing to fall, you automatically jump up and try to keep them from hurting themselves.

Where we're at, right now, is he's doing great, again. I've got to keep an eye on him for the next month and make sure he gets his license and pays his court cost or he'll go to jail. Now, the problem there is, if he doesn't get this stuff done, he's more than likely going to run, again. If he does that I'll be held accountable for the $2500 bond.

I did draw up a lease agreement for his room, gave him a list of house rules, that mainly deal with respecting the other kids and adults in the house. He got his driving permit, today and goes to take his actual test, tomorrow. Then he'll be ready to find a job to pay the fines off.

As for the T, it was sort of his idea to go with me. I told him that she had 2 other patients with DID and she worked with a doctor in a near by town that does the hynotherapy?? Anyone know about that??? I asked him if he wanted to go with me, just meet her and see if she was someone he could talk to. It's not his appointment, he's just going to go in and have a quick meeting with her, than wait for me to have my appointment, but he said he is ready to deal with his DID, that he wants to go back to college, get his own place and he said he was ready to deal with his angry alter, because without getting him under control, no one will be able to get what they(they, meaning his system) want out of life. I suggested that when he gets back into school, major in business and minor in music if he really wants a career in Rap. I told him I didn't care if his life's dream was to become a garbage man, as long as he was happy and being productive. The state is willing to help him out in so many ways, if he will just go to school and maintain a C average. I mean thousands of dollar! They help with full college tutition, car insurance, car repairs, clothing, housing, furniture, books and much more. I told him even a crack ho would ride that horse till it fell over dead!! Not many kids get the opportunities he has before him and if he doesn't take it, when he gets older, he's gonna be kickin himself in the butt!!

Once this bail business is over, I'll still feel the same about him, but I'll be less likely to allow any of his drama to disrupt the household. But for the moment, he's being Matt. Kinfolk comes out at night, once chores are done and he goes into his room and does whatever he does with his Rap music. He wears his headphones, so he can listen as loud as he wants. Mr. Angry or Mad Max as we've begun to call him, has not reared his head. And unless I'm willing to join the Ganster Diciples, he won't talk to me, because, as he said, he don't acknowledge anyone who ain't "G". I think only therapy is going to help out with that part, it's beyond me, way beyond. But get this, Kinfolk says he's a "GD" but he says he's for the betterment of his people (kinfolk is black, Matt is white). So, he's from a different "unit"? of the gang??? I'm just a country white woman, I know nothing of gangs. I belong to the FF's, the Friends and Family Gang. You mess with me or mine, I don't need a thug, I got my friends and family to call! We all a bunch of rednecks, we don't need the law, we got plenty of wetlands around here, LOL. Please know I'm just joking.

But as long as Matt is willing to help himself, I'm going to have to be here for him. I will not bail him out of jail, again. I will not allow him to act out in the home. My goal is to get him back into college, his car is still here, that I was willing to sell to him. He's got over $2000 coming to him from S.S. He has the means to pull himself out of this rut he's gotten himself in and other than providing him with transportation and the basic necessities of life, food, water, shelter. I have no money to give to him, so he's going to have to go out and make his own. He's even going to church tonight! I'm not a religious person, but there is a part of him that is, so I think it's a good thing he's going. There, he could meet some people that might be will be willing to hire him or can help him find work.

I don't know, I may just need to commit myself!