When is Enough, Enough?

I know I'm long winded, so I'll TRY to keep my post short.

When is Enough, Enough?

Y'all that have read about life with Matt, know the drama and trauma's we've been through.

We'd finally started to see some light at the end of the tunnel of destructive behavior. I went to court and paid his court cost and brought him home. Talked to him about getting his life together. Figuring out what he was going to do as far as school, income, business he needs to take care of now that he's an adult. He said he was ready to do whatever it took, but wanted to go to a friends house for a couple of days, would have his phone, would call home once a day to let me know things were ok. The person taking him talked to me and assured me she'd get him to the friends house and no where else. He left, that was Thursday. He had court this past Tuesday, for the "joy riding" offense, which he chose not to find a lawyer. He didn't call home while he was gone. When I was able to reach him, he acted disrespectful and angered at the fact I was calling him, checking up. He assured me he'd be home in time for court. Monday night comes, he's not home. We lock the doors, cut off the lights, turn on the alarm and go to bed. At 3 am I see him standing in my bedroom doorway! I freaked! This is a large young man! All muscle. It took a second to realize it was him and he explains he didn't want to wake anyone, so he climbed in my sons' window! Good thing the boys didn't wake up and freak out!! I just don't find this acceptable! I sit and worry if he's going to be in the right personality, one that has respect for this family and get home or am I going to be out $2500 because the person out has no idea or doesn't care? So we get to court, we speak to the D.A. and he says if Matt gets his license and pays court cost (somewhere around $200) before sometime next month, all charges will be dismissed. Okay, fine! We get home from court and he's saying all the things he needs to do, I asking him what he's going to do to put these things in action and he got upset. He can talk the talk, but he's not living up to his responsibilities. He wants the freedom of being an adult, but he's been an "adult" since December and he's not progressing! Not interested in therapy, one minute he says maybe, then he says no. So, I started!! The first visit was Monday. The therapist said I was co-dependent and an enabler. That doesn't sound good.

But let's get to today. Yesterday, I had to have my terminally ill mother taken to the hospital, by ambulance, so I didn't have a lot of time to talk to Matt, but apparently, after all his talking of being more of an adult, not running out the door as soon as he came in. But after 4 hours in the emergency room, I come home and the house is a mess! It's not only Matt, I have other children that have chores, but there was no reason to come home and find it the way it was. When I spoke to Matt about it, he said he was going to go to bed early, get up and get his life together. It's almost 2 p.m. and he's still sleeping. I've tried my best to wake him up since 9 am. With my mother in the hospital, this morning would have been the best time to go get job applications, but he's too busy for that. Now he'll wake up and depending on who he is, he may be all hyped up, wanting me to take him out to get applications, but this afternoon is not good for me!! I've got enough stress on me. I LOVE this child as much as I love the ones I gave birth to, but I do believe I am "enabling" his behavior. The therapist wants me to join ALANON? I thought you had to have an addict in your life to belong to them?? She said their program can help me detach myself from the situations in my life and make a more unbiased opinion. These are my kids, I am biased. And I should "detach" from the situations? Wish I could, but that seems it would make me more like an unfeeling parent. Each of my kids are different, they all have individual needs, so co-dependent, yea, I guess I'm guilty there, too, but aren't kids supposed to be able to depend on their parents??? I mean, the government calls kids "dependents"???

Okay, so in all that mess, the basic question is..... What to do about Matt? Sleeping his life away is not going to work. And I'm at my wits end with him. If he doesn't live up to his responsibilities, he will go back to jail. I don't feel I'm doing him any favors by letting him continue this path, but have no idea how to change it.

I'm going to post this and when I get answers, I'm going to ask him to read them, so you can address your advise to either of us.

Awaiting your replies

Thanks so much,
Pam

Co-dependent means you're psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who's an addict.

Or in other words, how you're doing is DIRECTLY related to how Matt is doing. Yeah, he needs his independence, but you're still his mother and need to put your foot down. Let him know you care about and love him with all of your heart, but you can't just let him keep ######6 up his life. Set his alarm for him, get up and be like "Today, you're getting a job". Tell him to try therapy for 1 session, and if he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to go back. Point out, if he wants, you can stay with him during the session. And of course, point out, that if you can do therapy, so can he, no excuses. He can't control his DID, make him understand that. Don't come off as a controlling bitch mom trying to tell him how to live his life, but make sure he understands you're tired of all the #######4 and you're tired of seeing a bright young man, that can do so much good, totally ######6 up his life.

4:30 p.m. Still sleeping. I go through ever half hour and holler out the time and "dong" like a clock, but to no effect. He open his eyes, looks at me and then roll over and goes back to sleep!

So I'm still waiting....................

Next time dump water on his head!

How did you know what I did I didn't dump it, though I got it good and cold, then I sprinkled it. It did the trick! He got up, but didn't want to come in here and speak to me. I finally called him into my room and asked him what he planned to do? That he had, again, failed to follow through. I mentioned looking into independent living if he didn't want to live by the rules and he got very upset, said something about me throwing him out and he left the room. He came back later, but I was on the phone with the hospital about my mother. I had to leave right after that and when I got back, he came in here and we started talking. I'd sent him an email a few days ago and I had him read it. I had him come here and read this thread and the thoughts of the Great Master Bates told him I'd like for him to write down a plan for his life, a schedule, journal and visit this web site and read about others like him, so that he can find out that he's not alone. He said he would, I gave him a notebook and pen, thinking he'd go into the living room and put it off, but NO, BOOM, he started writing!! Problem is, the first request is in Spanish. Says something about video games, so I'm thinking it was a little that signed Mateo aka Matt. Then someone else wrote about he'd go along with the job/school idea for a while, then he was outta here (the one I call Mr. Angry, because he told me I didn't need to know his name). One wrote in what I was told was gang writing, so I couldn't read it. Mr. Angry told me this, said he was in the same gang, knew the other personality, but didn't know he was a "G"? Mr. Angry, also, informed me that he couldn't "announce" to me because I wasn't "G"? He said a lot of things I didn't understand. Matt got a line in, saying he wanted school, job, license.

So, I've had Matt and Mr. Angry communicating verbally, then I got these others messing with my mono mind, by writing in languages that there is no way I can understand! I can go online for the spanish translations, but not sure they have a "gangsta" translator??

He's online now, told him to come here and register, hope he does. All I ask is that he reads. I've told him if he wants me to leave the site or not read his post, I'd do what he wanted. He's the reason I'm here and if it takes me leaving to get him to open up on here, I'll go. My profile has other means of reaching me and he's had me download Yahoo and MSN Messenger, so I'll add those to my profile as well. But I'll stay if he's okay with it, like I said, whatever it takes.

Pam

sorry you are having so many problems pam. it's got to be hard dealing with all that, and your mom at the same time. i hope mom and you are feeling better.

ya, co-dependent, i've been called that too, and hated it. they don't always have all the facts though. sounds like matt doesn't want to co-operate with you. you can try laying down the law like bates said. if that doesn't work, it may mean he is deeper into the drug scene than you realize. or he may not be capable of it mentally. in either case he needs help, professional help. if it's drugs, he needs treatment. if he can't function because of the d.i.d. he needs a professional to teach him how to deal with it and life. (along with us of course)

to be completely honest i've had a similar back ground. i ran away a lot. usually to friends that i could do and or sell drugs with. mostly use drugs and alcohol. many kids make a living dealing drugs. at the time it was the only way i could feel half way normal. i tried to do the conventional thing, working a regular job, but never had any success at it no matter how hard i tried. the jobs never lasted more than a week before getting fired.. i kept switching, even if i did get the sleep patten down.(which was a challenge of it's own) not everyone is like that. many people with d.i.d. are very functional and have no problem holding down a job. they don't seem to have as much trouble controlling their anger. if it wasn't for fact, i was a very talented artist, i wouldn't have had any income at all. i felt like i couldn't function unless i was on drugs. it is almost impossible to drag someone away from drugs if they don't want to stop using. i had to hit bottom before i was willing to stop. 1.) physically i was dying, and 2.) my mom stopped enabling me.

i guess what i'm saying is: try to get a job that you are good at. if you are doing drugs, stop! if you can't do either one, you need help from professionals. i ended up going on SSI so i could get the help i needed. without it i would have end up in jail or dead. matt might already be at that point. it worries me that he was messing with a 13yr old. that and drugs could land him in prison for a long long time. so can gang banging. the prisons are full of G's. and believe me when i say it ain't cool to be in one. the inmates will abuse you just like or more, than what has happened to you already. plus, you have no rights what so ever.

so think about it matt, that is life. what you do, or don't do will affect you for the rest of your life. as much as pam loves you, she can't live life for you. your life is in your hands, don't blow it. it's not weak to ask for help. it is weak to give up. we all had to learn how to do things. try to progress a little at a time. no one expects you to be perfect. don't give up on yourself. people can't help you unless you are willing to help yourself.

love' benny

I don't know how to advise Matt, so I'll just speak to Pam.

I think the codependent enabling jazz is about the fact that you are doing everything for Matt without setting rules and following through with consequences. It totally sucks that Matt is a legal adult and therefore can't be forced to go to therapy, school, etc. because in his case he really needs those things. Unfortunately, that is not the case, and he is his own master. You can love him and encourage him 100% of the way without doing everything for him (having him set his own alarm and learning to get up on his own, having him use a bail bondsman rather than putting up your own cash for his release, etc.). How can he build a life for himself when you're the one living it? Even if he makes bad choices, at least they will be his (and his alters') choices. It sucks that you have to watch him fall, but that's the only way he'll learn to pick himself up again. In the meantime, look after your mom and keep loving your family just as much as you ever did. But this way, maybe you'll be happier too. I wish the both of you lots of luck.

I'm beginning to understand what enabling means and I explained to Matt that it was up to him. I asked him to journal, seeing if his alters would agree to stick to the rules of getting a job and getting up before noon (preferably by 8 or 9). He agreed that we had to get him on a schedule. I told him that he could not keep running off every few days if he was serious about getting a job, his license, etc. He agreed. Then on Thursday night, I get up around 1 am and he's gone. I call him and he said he was going to be back in a few days, was very disrespectful to me (Mr. Angry). I told him if he chose to leave, it was his choice and he'd have to live with it, but this was against all we'd agreed upon. I was told I needed to let him hit rock bottom, like a drug addict would do, before he's going to be ready to do anything about his DID or his life. It's up to him now. I will not be the one that enables him to do nothing with his life and I have to accept that I cannot control him. If he chooses to destroy his life, that's his choice. I told him that even if he chose to leave the house, he could never leave this family. My youngest daughter only knows him as her brother, nothing else. All my kids refer to him as their brother, whether he's been in the home with us or not, so the family is set in stone and there is nothing any of his alters can do about that. I will help him all I can, but in a way that makes him understand the consequences to his actions. If he doesn't get his fines paid by next month, he'll go to jail. I can't pay it for him, so it's out of my hands.

Thanks to all for so much help!!! I will post again, should he decide to come back.

Anyone wishing to reach me, I've got my info posted on my profile, please feel free, if you ever need a mono minded opinion, cuz I got some, LOL!

Hugs and Sparkles to a great bunch.

Love,
Pam

I hope all works out for you Pam, and your family.

Hey Pam...I've read all of your posts about Matt and have been waiting for an update. I'm not at all familiar with the disorder but I do know that maybe waking Matt up would be easier next time if you turn up some music REALLY loud - but make sure that, if he wants to turn it off THAT bad, he has to get up to do so. Once he's asleep again, you can turn it on again...
I just want to wish you luck and I hope he comes home and that, even if he doesn't, you choose to post here again. Good luck, and if we don't hear from you for a while, expect at least one of us to bug you on Yahoo!