Desperation

I moved back to the place where I grew up. I really tried to forget my old life, this place, all the people I knew... but I had nowhere else. I won't be here for long but... it's already been too long. I'm staying with my mother. I don't like her at all. I really, really don't. It took me years of not having contact with her before I stopped having nightmares!
And other things have happened too recently... just unfortunate circumstances which lead to me having no place to go... but, at any rate... that's why the sudden... lack of control. And it's just getting worse by being here. I don't want to be here. It's totally revolting... there are parts of me that are not good and I have to exercise a lot of restraint. I have no outlet for this violent nausea I feel about being here. By the time I get out of this place... I won't be the same. I fear I'm already not.
I don't want to be that... I really don't. I can't let it take over. It will ruin everything. It will! It always does...
I just don't know what to do. I have to stay here for a couple more months... I have no money right now, and if I did I'd need it to get out of here. Therapy just isn't an option. If it would do any good at all anyway!

I'm sorry for the outburst.

It's hard that you have no choice living in the place where you grew up for the next couple of months, that's bound to loosen control, this is where dissociation began for you, whether you realized it at the time or not. If therapy is not an option and you're so rocky on control, the only thing I can say is accept, because whether it feels like it or not, when you push it away, it becomes stronger. Write here, write in a journal, invite those parts of you to write here too.. we really want to help you survive those months, but you have to make some effort that feels unsafe for you and you're not used to and which is scary too. I'm sorry that this has to be the way things are for you, I know you didn't ask for it, but if you do those things, things will get better, and yes it'll take time, and yes you won't feel like it's helping at first, but if you don't do it, I'm afraid you have even less of a guarantee that you'll maintain control. Keep writing..

Thanks for your reply, Dimensional, and I agree with you... and earlier I decided to write some... get to know myself a little better. I don't get a lot of time alone and when I do it's not always opportune I guess. Sometimes there just isn't anything there for me to write about.

I don't know how to start this though. I don't know if it might be triggering to other people? But perhaps I should give a little caution anyway...

I don't remember what I said exactly before about the others. I don't make a habit of reading my own posts. That might be helpful though, eh? I get a little disturbed reading stuff sometimes... when it isn't quite... me. It happens kind of fluidly sometimes and I don't realize. I don't know if that's weird. I try to hold on you know... there's not a lot I can do though.

Anyway, there's 7. That seems like an awfully high number to me. Some of them have some similarities... but they are different.
I think that... the little one is as close to the real me as there is, just... kind of stuck.
Lele. She's only 4. I think something happened when I was 4. I just have this really weird memory and I was acting strange... I wrapped all the things I wanted to keep with me in a blanket and carried it with me all the time. I planned to run away (and I tried), and I had... numerous mute imaginary friends who just stood around me all the time... also the way I used to play with my dolls. It all seems suspicious to me.
When I was 7 through 9 a lot of things happened to me. I think that's when a lot of the "others" started to develop... and at 12, 13, and 14.

I don't know which to start with. I figured all their names too! It was weird.
There's one that took all the pain. That's not all she is though. Leoni.
The one that doesn't feel anything. He just tries to keep everything under control. Non, of course.
There's me... I get a bad wrap I think. I just... all I wanted was someone to care about me. I feel awful saying it... but the only time anyone even just noticed me is when they'd hurt me... and somehow I need that. I shouldn't say all this. They just say I'm a whore. She enjoys it is what she's trying to say. Her name is Fleur.
It would have been more helpful if she finished her post here.
Oh I'm so tempted to scrap this whole thing. I just find it somewhat hilarious but I'll try to wrap this up.
She wrote that I'm just around to feel "better than" and "be worse". There is more to it, and she knows it too. They need me around.
Then a rather inconsequential one; young, stupid Addy. I have no idea. Often around and talks too much.
And then possibly another... supposed to be worse than I am. I'm skeptical.

sounds like you are doing pretty good dealing with living with your mom. i had to stay away from home as much as possible when i was in that situation. stayed drunk and high most of the time. (would not recommend it). when i had to take care of her, i had one alter that got so pissed she might have killed her if it wasn't for my husband. he told me about it. the person i am now wouldn't dream of hurting her. quite the opposite! i'd want to protect her from any harm at all. i guess what i'm saying is be careful! you may not be able to speak for everyone.

benny

Unfortunately my mother is the most triggering thing. I hate her so intensely I feel real disgust being in her proximity. I'm surprised she doesn't notice, but she's oblivious to everything I suppose.
It takes so much restraint... and so often I just need to leave. She tries to control everyone. This just isn't acceptable. I have to hold back.
When I leave I will absolutely never speak to her again. I won't even think of her. I'd rather she didn't exist. She's completely repulsive to every part of me.

When I was little and at various times I used to stay with other people for months or weeks. I never once missed her, or thought of her, and didn't want to go home. I left the country when I was 17. It's only because I have absolutely no one else I can stay with right now and for the next couple of months that I'm here... and... if I didn't have something else... something and someone to go to... I would NOT be here. I (barely) tolerate being here because it's temporary.

I'm really not doing very well dealing with the situation. I'm going to have a whole week to myself in a couple of days fortunately... that will definitely be good for me.

Sorry to hear the situation's troubling you this much.. try to keep writing, and talk about it to your alters as well.

I don't know if you still remember what you wrote in the message before your last one, about Fleur, Leoni, Lele, Non, yourself, Addy, another one.. things that happened when you were little. It's good you're getting a clear picture in your has as to what's going on and what's been going on up to now every weird and then.. pieces of the puzzle. The reactions to what you went through are completely normal, also that those hurting you were the only ones noticing you, thus the good ones.. it's a normal thing for this to be reality for a child, and it doesn't make you crazy or wrong in any way.

Can you and the others communicate at all? Help each other out with the trigger that is your mom? Try to work as a team, you all went through the things that happened in the past.. now you're starting to know each other, you can make a difference.