the other ones

As I've been reading this forum I've come across a lot of things I can definitely relate to, especially the types of alternate personalities. I guess the circumstances which create them tend to make them somewhat comparable? I don't know. I haven't read a whole lot about DID.

I'd still like to tell myself that it's probably normal to have some degree of multiplicity in my personality. I try very hard not to think about... the other ones. Today though I'm going to try and see how it goes.

They are more defined than I would like to admit... even here. I try to suppress them, deny their existence wholly. I don't like losing control of myself.

I think I've figured out the names of some of them. Some of them I've known their name for years. I don't interact with them, but I know of them.

-Archy is around 30. He's vain and immoral. Mean. He jokes often and at others' expense. Easily offended. Short temper.
-Lele is 4. She is very trusting and easily hurt. Most people never meet her.
-Luthara (I believe that's his name); a monster. Both his personality and his appearance could be described as such. Not to be trusted.
-Unnamed woman, mid 20's. Very friendly but shy, sentimental, sympathetic, patient, hurt, sometimes irrational. Very serious.
-The other one... young, irresponsible, lazy, outgoing. Doesn't take anything seriously.
-And then there is me. I don't know how to describe myself. I feel like I lack a personality... and emotions, preferences, goals... even a name (so "non" is fitting). I try to behave as the situation requires. I'm always left to pick up the pieces... to explain my inconsistencies. I remember everything... these others wouldn't.
If there is a "host" I would not be it, and the others don't fit the bill either.

I don't know if this was helpful to write or not. I did have a hard time distinguishing two of them from each other before... until I really thought about it and wrote it out. I could be wrong still... I'd explain but I find it too confusing.

Hi non,

Did it help you to write that out? Do you feel different?

It helps to write them out. To kind of figure them out, like...see where they're coming from in a way. It's like getting pieces of your life back.

I don't know if that was helpful.

I definitely lost control... but maybe it would have happened no matter what. It was such a small thing though that set it off. Fortunately nothing bad happened.

Well at least now you're establishing communication, and slowly being able to tell them apart. This is definitely a step foreward, believe me.

After writing a list like this, and taking the time to acknowledge each one, communication between all of us started getting a little easier. Sometimes when I feel like things are getting a little "muddy" inside it helps to write about the others.
I hope you find this to be true of yourselves as well.

I don't want to give it thought. I know that's ridiculous. I just don't want to be crazy anymore.
There is something genuinely wrong with me. I don't function as well as other people and I really want to be better. I want to always be myself. I don't want to be fragmented. I want to react in a healthy way and what is normal for me in every situation. I don't want to have such contradicting experiences and preferences and perspectives.
But will talking about it really help? Will talking about these parts of me help? Will talking about my past help? I don't care about it anymore. I have no feeling about it. It bores me. I'm just irritated that it messed up my life and messed up my head.

You know, you don't have to talk about your past, or any of this if you don't want to.
The problem with this is the same as the problem with EVERYTHING in the world, it all arises because of conflict. Inner conflict or outer conflict, it's conflict that is the problem, not 'being crazy'. Thinking about whether you're crazy or not, or thinking about how messed up you are, should not be the problem.
Your main concern, as with everything, is to do what makes you happy. Do what you feel comfortable with. Try living in the here and now. If you have contradicting emotions, flow with them. Experience them. Do what you feel like doing. You can choose to see all these different emotions as just You, or as Alters, or as however you wish. As long as you can live for today and not yesterday, being 'crazy' shouldn't matter.
Remember there's really no such thing as 'normality'. It's simply a social construct. I don't think anybody in this world is normal.

The problem, of course, is the way it affects my life. I ask myself if I could deal with a person like me and I don't think I could. Fortunately I have someone who is very tolerant, but I don't want to push my luck. I don't want him to know about it. Better he thinks I just change my mind a lot. I'd rather he think it anything else. I'd rather think it anything else.

And, I don't care about being normal... I just want to be healthy and happy. I want to really feel and really remember things that happen to me, not as a bystander... but really that it's happening to me. I'm far removed and lose too much control. I just have to hope that I don't mess things up.

I tell my boyfriend sometimes not to believe what I say, and sometimes that I do things I don't mean to do. It's sounds like such a stupid excuse.
I can be so cold sometimes. He really doesn't deserve it. It makes me sick to treat him that way.

If you want to really feel, and really remember things, stop pushing all your feelings, and reactions aside and start dealing with them. The more you deny what is happening, the worse it is going to get. Talking about it does help. Writing about it does help.

Recognizing and acknowledging that these reactions are COMPLETELY NORMAL for someone who went through something TRAUMATIC will help you reach a level of "normalcy" that is recognized in society.

You are not crazy, far from it! Your defense mechanisms allowed you the ability to cope and react in a way that kept you from becoming crazy and or from death.

If you want to keep experiencing dissociation, not remembering, conflicting ideas and emotions, then keep denying and keep pushing it away.

Otherwise, start accepting and start working on your issues.