What to do...

Hi, I just joined.

I don't know what to say exactly. I don't know if I have DID. I've seen psychiatrists in the past and they don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I was sexually abused when I was younger. Many times. Nothing violent. It's definitely messed with my head.
I know that I dissociate, but I don't know if I have other identities. Sometimes I think I might. My personality and perspective shift very drastically.
As far as I know I don't lose time, except that occasionally I can't remember whole years of my life. A lot of my memories don't seem like they belong to me. Often I find it upsetting to be called by my birth name.
When I was younger I was plagued by the feeling that there was someone else inside my head.
...just a few things that worry me. There is a lot that's wrong with me.

I have tried very hard to dismiss the idea that DID is even real.
It isn't real, I'm just imagining things, I'm faking it, I lied, it didn't happen, it isn't true.
Unfortunately I'm having a hard time convincing myself.

I feel like if I admit it, it will get worse. Like if I acknowledge the different "identities" they will become more distinguished and harder to control. I don't want to define what I don't want to be true.

I realize that it's just not working well. I don't want to see a doctor again. I don't know what to do though. I'm at a point where I finally really, really want to get better. I finally have a reason. I just haven't had success with doctors, and I don't know if I told them the truth that they'd even believe me.

I apologize for the long post. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Well actually, ignoring a problem is how it gets worse. If your leg gets a bad cut, and you ignore it, it becomes infected. Ignoring the infection turns into a serious problem Serious problem either means amputating the leg or dying. Not that you're gonna have to get an amputation or die from ignoring it, but just making my point.

And as they always say "Admittance is the first step to recovery"

Welcome to the DID Forum

i agree. it is very common for a multiple to go into denial. it's not so bad. nothing like the stereo-type most people have. when i was first dx i kept trying to find info to prove them wrong, instead it only got me to a point where i had to accept it. hang around, see if you can relate, and welcome!

benny

I know what you mean. I just don't want to.

There is a part of me which I try very hard to suppress. I'm afraid that I won't be able to control it if I seek treatment and try to deal with my problems... even if I just admit...

I just can't let it happen. And ugh.... I hate it when I can't deny it. I know it's true.

I have never ever spoken about this to anyone. I have a hard time saying it. I know that I have others... I just didn't want to say it.

There's a part of me that I try very hard to protect. I don't want anything to happen...

I'm just afraid. I don't know what will happen to me. That's not too hard to understand, surely? I feel like I'm going to disappear, or some other part of me... I want to be intact.

Welcome Non, we are so glad to have you here.
As mentioned above, admitting is the first step to recovery, however recovery can feel like hell, I don't want to lie, there are days where I wish I could have just kept it all a secret, but those days are rare now, and I find my life is a million times easier now that I have accepted the others and have found ways to help them and myself.
Recovery is a long, arduous journey, but so much better to take the journey, then live in the hell of denial.
I would like to welcome you to this community, and hope that you find this place one of safety, healing, and encouragement, as I myself have.
~Grace, Amber and Lark

Welcome Non!!