So frustrated...Help

How am I suppose to know when there is an alter around, if I don' t know what my husband's true personality is? My husband, or myself, didn't find out about my husband having DID until after the affair that an alter had. We have been together for nearly 9 years and looking back, it's only evident that there was a change in big instances, i.e. the affair, when his personality change was extreme. But, what about when it's not so extreme? What about when he's just acting distant, irritated or agitated? I asked my husband and he says that he doesn't know who he really is, so he can't tell me when he is just having a bad day, just when he feels "spacey". Or he'll say, I don't know. It's very frustrating and I don't want to yell at him for being mean if he's not doing it.

alters tend to take direct control. they may be very emotional and i can feel their emotions, but they dont reflect mine at all or effect mine at all. however swapping is an entirely different story. we can just swap in and out almost flawlessly and rapid fire, and when i swap and jack or carn is in control its like im having a lucid dream and that dream is whatevers happening, so im aware of whats going on *if i chose to pay attention*. other people i am to understand swap in a totally different manner, IE suddenly finding themselves on the living room floor drawing stick figures iwth crayons and not having any memory of it.

Some DID people are so aware of their alters its like sharing a car (me)

and others are so unaware at times that they dont even know they have alters (possibly your husband)


i have no experience with DID in relationships so the best advice i can offer is to see a psych and do it as a group effort, i doubt many marriage counselors have experience with DID but im sure a few psychs who are familiar with DID have a good idea on marriage counciling (spelling?).

and the whole reason i gave a big paragraph up there about swapping is because maybe it will help you, maybe knowing how he swaps will shine some light on it

you and my husband should get together for coffee and compare notes and frustrations.

I don't always know when I'm out. I don't always know when I'm switching. And being constantly asked that makes me even less sure that I even exist. Maybe I'm just an empty vessel and I'm always channeling one alter or the other.

Is your husband in therapy? Has he completed a map of his system? I think that the question "Who are you right now" is a bit premature until your husband is aware of the system and has some degree of co-consciousness.

I'm much more co-conscious than my system's previous host was. And still it's sometimes hard to differentiate between a simple mood swing and timesharing. I've found that with me, at least, the best indicator of if it's timesharing or a mood swing is to stop, ask myself "are these my emotions or am I disconnected from them? Do they have an off switch?" and if they have an off switch or I feel that they're disconnected, I know I'm timesharing. If they feel like mine, then I know that they're me.

Another issue is that my alters sometimes feed me information selectively to influence my mood or actions. They try to sway me to seeing things their way. Or they'll intentionally trigger me so that they can come out. It took some time to recognize when this is happening and I still can't always control it. To make matters worse, all of my alters identify themselves as "Trixy". The only way to really know if it's me or not, is to ask them "how old are you?" If they answer "I have an ID that says I'm 27" then you know it's not me. But if I'm just timesharing and still in the driver's seat, it's hard.. because I will not be myself, but I'll still be the one that's answering questions.

Maybe instead of trying to find out who is out, when your husband is being mean to you, say "I am feeling attacked right now, and can't deal with it. You may be timesharing, but whether you are or not it's not something that I can deal with. Please calm down or leave me alone until you can be calm." ?

For some early DID diagnosed patients, the question "Who's out right now" can be a very painful and difficult one, and one that makes us question if we even exist. I sometimes feel myself trying to map parts of ME off onto another personality...

John21- thanks for the post. I have been trying to learn as much as I possibly can about the way my husband's system works, but the only question that I can safely ask is "how are you feeling". If he says "out of it, or I don't know", if I try to find out who's around, to better understand the system, I get snapped at. I think that the switches happen fast. We are in the process of finding yet another therapist(this making 5 in under a year), that specializes in DID. I am trying to be strong, but he doesn't want my help.

Trixy- Thanks so much for your reply. Yes, my husband told me that it doesn't help for me to ask questions or give input about things that I have read. He said that it only irritates and agitates the others. He is in therapy right now, but his present therapist told him that he was "normal" but gave him a referral for a list of therapist that specialize in DID. Clearly, he just didn't want to deal with that part of my husband. Anyhow, he has not completed a map system yet. The only time that he even deals with the alters, as far as talking to them, asking questions, etc, is when he's going off to sleep. Do they communicate that way? If I ask for names and ages, nothing seems to happen, the way that I have read that it would. My husband said it had a lucid dream, some months back of something like a hospital that had a lot of people, women, men and kids all standing in a circle holding hands and they welcomed him and he joined the circle. Could this be the system? He said while talking to them, he found out the name of one of the alters and his role. So, why would they only reveal themselves this way?

sorry about that, kind of went off there

Anyway, I think that my husband may be more co conscious because he only has had 2 episodes where he has totally blacked out(that he can recall). Otherwise he has describe it feeling like there is a "dimmer switch" or looking at things as if he's watching a movie. I don't know though, because all of this seems fairly recent, like since the affair. He has large block of memory loss about his life, including before our relationship.

He knows to when the thoughts are not his own, he'll say that. So,I guess the issues is that I have to sit back and let him deal with it and just be there to listen, and keep track on the side , for my own sake. I have borderline personality disorder myself and it's not easy to deal with not knowing.

thanks again for everything

mrslspinks wrote:The only time that he even deals with the alters, as far as talking to them, asking questions, etc, is when he's going off to sleep. Do they communicate that way?

My system has better communication late at night when we're trying to go to sleep. I'm guessing that's because there's not so much stimulus from out here and there is silence and we can relax more. So it's very likely this is the easiest way for your husband's system to communicate as well.

mrslspinks wrote:My husband said it had a lucid dream, some months back of something like a hospital that had a lot of people, women, men and kids all standing in a circle holding hands and they welcomed him and he joined the circle. Could this be the system? He said while talking to them, he found out the name of one of the alters and his role. So, why would they only reveal themselves this way?

It could very well be his system, yes. I've had lucid dreams with members of my system in them as well. And it's possible they only revealed themselves this way because it felt the safest or they may know no other way.

-Leigh

John21 wrote:alters tend to take direct control. they may be very emotional and i can feel their emotions, but they dont reflect mine at all or effect mine at all. however swapping is an entirely different story. we can just swap in and out almost flawlessly and rapid fire, and when i swap and jack or carn is in control its like im having a lucid dream and that dream is whatevers happening, so im aware of whats going on *if i chose to pay attention*. other people i am to understand swap in a totally different manner, IE suddenly finding themselves on the living room floor drawing stick figures iwth crayons and not having any memory of it.

Some DID people are so aware of their alters its like sharing a car (me)

and others are so unaware at times that they dont even know they have alters (possibly your husband)


i have no experience with DID in relationships so the best advice i can offer is to see a psych and do it as a group effort, i doubt many marriage counselors have experience with DID but im sure a few psychs who are familiar with DID have a good idea on marriage counciling (spelling?).

and the whole reason i gave a big paragraph up there about swapping is because maybe it will help you, maybe knowing how he swaps will shine some light on it

Thank you for this above post!!! It really explained allot for me and what's happening in a way that I can better relate...I wish everyone the best of understanding whether about themselves or SOs......Hang in there
Wednesday

ya, thanks you all. much of what was said makes things clearer for me too. i can often recall how another alter feels, but can't identify with them at all, and feel completely different about things. i can also identify with having to ask how old they are you know where they are coming from, or which alter they are. i too don't have different names for every alter. timesharing, that makes a lot of sense! i don't recall the term, but can definitely relate! sometimes i think being able to discribe what's going on in my head in words is most of the battle. that helps a lot, thanks!

i can't imagine what it's like to be in a relationship with another multiple. i know that being married to another recovering addict, (with other mental issues) it's very important for us to work our own recovery program, and not try to work each others. it's hard enough to understand what is going on with me. there is no way i could figure out what is going on in his head. there aren't any magic crystal balls out there, and most people aren't psychic. it's important for me to share how i feel with him, at the same time realize, that too can change depending on who i am. how could i tell him who i'll be at any given time when i don't even know myself! sometimes the best way to understand others, is to better understand ourself.

benny