Alter had an affair, dealing with the aftermath

Has one of anyone else's alters had an affair, and how do you deal with the aftermath? I'm having a hard time of it. One of my alters (a 17 year old sexual deviant) went and had sex with someone a few times over multiple years. This was before the host was aware of the DID, and before my husband was aware of the DID.

Logically I understand that my body went and had sex with someone that was not my husband. And that my husband is dealing with the emotional fallout of having a wife that was not faithful.

Logically he understands that the person that had the affair was not his wife. He has met the alters and has no problem accepting the DID diagnosis. (He accepts it more readily than I have.)

But emotionally we're a bit of a mess. He feels betrayed and needs to talk to me about it and express the betrayal that he feels. And ultimately it may destroy our marriage.

I, however, can't deal with talking about it because I feel used/raped and violated morally, physically, mentally and emotionally. The way that I experience the whole thing is the way someone would experience it if they had been drugged and raped without their knowledge or consent. And I can't even go after the person that did this to me, because my alter was very willing and probably even the aggressor.

So we have conflicting things here because my husband feels betrayed, and I feel raped. So whenever we talk about our feelings surrounding the situation we're at odds with each other because our experiences of it all are so different.

In a way I feel a little bit like this situation is re-victimizing me. I'm living through a rape and being told that I wanted it. I'm getting flashbacks of being trapped in the body while the body does things that I find morally reprehensible. And at the same time I have to listen to my husband and be supportive for him because *HE* is the true victim here. The alter had sex willingly with this other person. My husband was never a willing participant in this whole debacle.

I don't know how to feel or what to think or how to approach the situation or how I can be supportive of him. But I do know that if I keep reacting with defensiveness and anger the way I have been, that it will result in the end of the marriage. =\

Then there's the compounding issue of the fact that I'm not the host that was present at the time of the affairs. I haven't even been around all that long. (I came into being on Dec. 24th) so I feel disconnected from everything related to the event. It's a very weird feeling being emotionally overwrought by the situation and horrified by the situation and feeling raped- but at the same time feeling as if it weren't me. I've got too much of a mix of everyone else's memories and feelings. And it's driving me a bit batty.

Anyone experience anything similar? Any advice on coping techniques or how I can be supportive to my husband?
~Z

you're husband needs to talk to the little 17 year old whore, not you, obviously

Oh my goodness, It is such a relief to read this.

I am actually someone who is in the exact position of your husband. My husband's alter had an affair before either my husband or I were aware of DID, and it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced int my life. To make matters worse, I didn't find out about the alters until 3 months after the affair. During the first 3 months, my husband made a lot of excuses or said a lot of "I don't knows". It wasn't until later that he(or they) felt "safe" enough to open up about it.

Anyway, I think it's so much harder to deal with and accept, consistently, when you find out about this illness after something major, like an affair. I can't speak for your husband, but as for myself, I know what I struggled with, and still struggle with, the most is consistently believing that my husband has this disorder. I think that because it doesn't fit perfectly, 100%, it leaves room for the "what ifs", the questions.What has helped me to not feel SO MUCH pain( but it hurt like heck so he will feel some pain) is for him to read, learn and visit forums like these to hear other people's story. It's makes and keeps it real and allows us to understand and sympathize with people with DID.

Now, it's not going to be easy. My husband and I still deal with the affair, 10 months after the fact and when I have to think about the distance it has put between us, it hurts the both of us. But there is nothing in me that plans to leave his side. Believe me, he will, in time, if he can just stick it out, see that you didn't mean for it to happen and would have done everything in your power to keep it from happening. And, that there is hope for you two to really be happy. Trust me, I bet he feels some relief knowing what has been going on with you all of this time. I hope this helps:)

sorry you are having such a hard time trixy. i can relate. i have had any episodes since i quit drinking. knock on wood i won't ever again. i know what you mean about the guilt. i was told it stems from my body reacting "normally" when the abuse was going on. even though we were raped, we felt guilty when our bodies betrayed us and reacted in a phyical way.

it was not your fault that you were forced to experience what you did. it's one of the many reasons child sexually abuse is so traggic. i would suggest talking to a t' if you have one, and hopefully you'll get some good advice here. i think it's helpfull to let a t' explain that kind of problem to spouses. or for them to at least have someone else they can trust to confide in.

most of us have an alter that is very sexual. (not a whore! they just crave love, the only kind they know) of course the rest us us know that type of "love" is never satisfied, but only leaves us feeling betrayed. i've had plenty long talks with my s.d. i try to be aware of triggers. (like alcohol or certain places) i also allow her to have a fantasy lover. they are usually relative to the age of the alter. ( someone i knew and had my first had sexual feels for at 16 ) nothing ever became of it at the time. i was too terrified to let him know how i felt, and as you know there are so many mixed feelings. i didn't want to get hurt and never thought i deserved someone that special. i don't think my 16yr old alter ever got over it. she felt like the abuse made her unable to have a "normal" relationship. in a way i guess that was true. i still morn that loss at times. however i have learned that it is possible to have a good marrage and "just sex" is not a good compensation!

anyway, it's the best way i've learn how to deal with her. i was too chicken to talk to a t' about it. in fact this is the first time i've told anyone about it. i admire your courage! and wish you the best, hope all goes well!

benny

mrslspinks- I'm sorry you experienced something similar to what my husband experienced. Just be thankful that it didn't result in a child, as did my alter's experiences. Apparently 17 year old alters can be just as stupid as 17 year old people.

Ugh.

... I'll say it again, your husband needs to stop giving you $#%^ and talk to the alter

ya, but that's easier said than done. i know some of my alters justify everything they do, or refuse to come out and face the music. until my alter becomes willing, i have to spend a lot of time communicating and bardering. no use talking to him untill you can come up with a way to stop the cheating, or at least make sure the "naughty" alter is willing to cooperate with you. good luck!

benny

Trixy- Well, thank you for that and I am sorry for the torment that you and others with DID that are kind of stuck with the consequences of the alters. I am very thankful it didn't result in a child,thankfully, because they also had unprotected sex. However, because of an argument my ex "friend" and I got into, she went and filed a sexual assault charge against my husband. That was back in April, and we didn't get a call from the investigator until December. Talk about shocked! :shock You should ask your husband to join this forum and read about others. I am sure he'll find comfort in being reassured that this was out of your control and REALLY, TRULY start to believe, or believe even more, that it wasn't you. When I was ready to divorce my husband, even after finding out he had DID and having a hard time totally accepting it, my husband said this to me: "If you file for divorce, you will be divorcing me, not the alter and the alter isn't affected, in the least, by it, but I am devastated, abandoned, confused and alone". Those words spoke so much truth. I can't lie to you, it is a lot of work, a lot of pain and a lot of emotions to deal with, but you guys CAN survive it. (Imagine that, I never thought I'd be saying those words to anyone:)) Invite your husband here, I am more than willing to help the both of you hold your marriage together and I can understand a lot of what he's feeling.

My alter had a one night stand... when I was with my ex.
I never told him, She never told him, but somehow I think he knew.
I still feel guilty, and used and dirty.
it scares me to think how many times it has happened, or how many times It could happen.
Hopefully I will be able to communicate with that alter more, and keep myself safe in the future. Thus far it is working, but I am still scared when approached by someone who is interested in me, because I never know what is going to happen. Is Lila interested? Will she take over?
I want a husband and a family in the future, but I don't know how I will ever achieve this if I am scared that the alter is so sexually deviant...

MrsLPinks- eek about the charges that were filed. It must be hard standing by your husband. *hug* I'm sure that he is very grateful to have someone like you in his life. Being a survivor of abuse, we're very frequently terrified of abandonment, and are very frequently abandoned because of the actions of our alters-- which hurts even worse before we realize that we're DID and we can't understand what happened or why we're being kicked out of yet another life.

Is your husband in therapy?

Another forum that I belong to (MJ & Dakota) offered some very interesting advice. I'll ask if I can copy and paste it to you so that you/your husband can read it as well.

I can't imagine that it's easy to be on either side of this coin. The betrayer or the betrayed. I can tell you that this side of the coin is a very very hard place to be. Knowing that you betrayed someone that you love very much, in an act (or acts) that you find reprehensible and undesirable. There is nothing more painful for me than witnessing my husband's devastation and knowing that it is the result of my actions. It's what finally convinced me to seek therapy and become a truly active participant in it.