Never told anyone this

Hi-
I think I might have DID. I don't know. Please tell me what you think. I can remember the exact moment it started. I was five (I'm in my mid-twenties now) and I was in the car with my dad when I heard a voice. I told my dad, "I just had a bad thought," or something like that because I was five and I didn't understand what was happening. I tried telling my older sister once when I was eight years old, and my mom when I was maybe ten, but they looked at me like I was crazy so I never brought it up again. I don't lose time, at least, not a lot? I don't know. My family told me once I took a trip somewhere, I would've been 16 or 17 at the time of the trip, and I don't remember it at all. That's really the only time I think I may have lost time. Schizophrenia is when you hear voices outside of your head, right? The voices I hear are definitely inside. I don't think I was abused, and that's why people develop dissociative disorders, right? I had a great childhood. As long as I keep busy, I can kind of ignore the voices. They quiet down. For a long time I thought maybe this is just how people think, because sometimes the voices so closely follow my own train of thought I can hardly tell the difference. I know that probably doesn't make sense. I thought I could just live my life and ignore the voices until recently. About a year ago I started having panic attacks. I thought, this is it, I'm finally going crazy. My doctor prescribed some generic anti-depressant for me, but I don't really want to take it. I don't like the idea of taking some drug. I work out a lot, and I find that helps me some with my anxiety. I didn't tell the doctor anything about hearing voices. A lot of times lately I don't feel like myself. I don't like to look in the mirror. I can't identify with the person I see. Despite all this, I think I function okay. I have a lot of friends, a good job, a boyfriend of a few years. No one would ever guess I hear voices, I don't think. I'm scared people will think I'm crazy, I'm scared I'll lose my job. I'm pretty sure my family has a history of mental illness. Someone please please please tell me what's wrong with me.

Well, none of us are shrinks, so we can't diagnose you with anything. But for starters, you have to show a little more signs than poor memory and voices. Do you talk to these voices? Have they ever taken over your body, and sent you off into the distance to watch? Have you ever blacked out and found yourself somewhere you're not sure how you got there, or was told you did something (more recent than the trip) that you don't recall? Anybody you don't even know come up to you like they know you, calling you by a different name?

I don't talk to the voices, and they don't talk to me. They don't have names or really distinct personalities. It's more like a constant but very faint current of talking in my head. The voices run right on top of my thoughts, or maybe the other way around, so I can hardly tell what they're saying. I'm too scared to really stop and listen to them. I tried once and I thought one voice sounded like an older woman, another like a man. For the most part, though, I can push the voices aside. I don't black out, and no one has ever called me by some other name. You asked, "Have they ever taken over your body, and sent you off into the distance to watch?" A lot of times, lately, I don't feel like I'm in control of my own body. I don't know how to explain it. I'm here, I'm aware of what's going on, but it's like I'm running on auto-pilot. I recently told someone something, I didn't mean to say it, I didn't KNOW I was going to say it, it just came out of my mouth. Afterwards I thought, where did that come from? That's the only time that's happened, though. Is this what you mean? I know you can't diagnose me, but I appreciate your feedback. I know I'll eventually need to get help, but I'm really scared. I've gone twenty-some years without really talking about this with anyone.

Okay, now that you said you've gone into "auto-pilot", its starting to sound more like DID. I know you're scared, but you really need to talk to the voices. It's the only way your life is going to get any easier.

i'm not a pro but it doesn't sound like d.i.d. to me. i hear my voices loud and clear. esp when "they" have a totaly different opinion. sometimes it seems like we argue over everything. each personality wan't to have their way.

and ya you're right about past abuse. i had to have alters in order to survive. although, there are people that can't remember their abuse. that too is a survival skill. i hope you find the answers you need. panic attacks can be form of dissociation. there are several types of dissociative disorders. i'm only familiar with d.i.d. i know that fear, it sucks. keep looking, sooner or later you'll hit on something. that can be scary too, but at least you know what you are dealing with, and can get help. hang in there! hope you feel better soon!

benny

My voices are very clear except that what they say tends to over lap and run together. I can be having an opinion over something and expressing my side, then switch and another comment comes out complete opposite of the other one. It can be frustrating and most just think me silly. At least my BFF understands since she too has DID.

I can relate to the auto pilot. Some days when the "girls" are all stirred up, I just go into auto pilot and muddle through the day, restless and discontent. But sometimes the "girls" are in a happy place and the day goes by smoothly and I am in control.

Pookie

Hmm, well the voices could be alters, or it could be soemthing else, I can't really say for sure.
I get panic attacks too though, but that's about the only correlation with your case I can find. I know I get panic attacks because of stress, so perhaps the running dialogue in your head is down to some kind of stress disorder? We studied... I think it was Carl Jung.... back in A-Level Language Studies, he did a lot of work on the 'Inner Dialogue' if you'd like to research up on that. It certainly made a lot of things clearer for Harri at the time (she's my host persona)

Or it could be DID... if the voices reveal themselves as being distinct people. If this is the case, communication is very important!
~Deelee