DID and Gender Identity

I'm thinking that I can't be the only person with this who struggles with their gender identity

I feel like somewhere deep down (probably in a time I've forgotten) that I'm cis gender

However because of the system and the protective nature of it all, my gender identity has got lost

I'm trying to find it because I want to get better because I'm sick of fighting this thing

Let me know of your experiences with this, if you please

Almost everyone with DID I encountered had at some point questions about their gender, and everyone I know at the functional multiplicty stage, or fully healed, are somewhere on the genderfluid spectrum.

I also know people who thought to be transgender because one alter with the opposite gender was strong in the consciousness for months, and in great distress because they didn't have their own body. Once that alter started to calm down, the feeling faded.

Myself, I thought for a long time I was agender, and most of my system was male despite the body being female, but none of them saw themselves as transgender. Integration of my system changed a lot how we perceived our genders, and we learned to stop worrying and just roll with whatever our brain wanted to do day-to-day. Today, the two remaining identities consider themselves separately as one male and one female, and as whole as genderfluid.

So no, you're not the only one struggling. Dissociation messes up with our perceptions, and it can lead to some wild stuff.

It's really hard isn't it

I think this is the first time I've linked my gender to the DID

I can't even cope in relationships because of it

This is really common in DID, based on postings on this forum. In addition, there are often (or instead) questions as to one's sexual preference. SA of young child is so likely to create confusion, sometimes as a defense mechanism.

I spent the majority of my adult life assuming I was gay even though I didn't pursue gay relationships. Based on specific abuse by both parents, the crossed wires and confusion about sexual preference was 100% protective for me as a child before I even had a clue what sexual preference really was.

The gender of one's alters is related. Most systems have alters with genders that don't match the physical body or alters who are non-gendered or any gender. Same thing with multiple sexual preferences among alters.

It's totally understandable this has stood in the way of your developing relationships or maybe caused problems after they start. This can and will heal over time with the right attention, as having a good therapist.

the body is our earth avatar

we drive a female body that's 44 years old.

kind of like a video game. I dont always feel or act like a 44year old woman. but that's the body we drive. people can be or express themselves anyway they want as long as it is safe and not harming others or self.

biggest thing we dont agree on is hair because its more permanent. can't change it like clothes. identity alteration dont change the earth avatar. it always a old lady now.

that's how we think of it

Our social mask ‘host’ alters (who dealt with the ‘outside world’) always identified with the external body as it was when they were the host and saw it as their body and their life ..this was because they were disconnected from the insiders.

We had no knowledge of DID our insiders didn’t even have an understanding that they were autistic for many years and saw themselves as non-human gender neutral changelings ...they were neither gender…just spirits that became the gender of the avatar body they occupied when they fronted. Internally they could also present as either animal or human.

They had no understanding of things like asexuality or gender-neutral as we grew up in the 70’s when things like that weren’t discussed ..despite this some still identified with being a ‘tomboy’ when they did front (body is biologically female).

They stopped coming out when we reached puberty and menstruation started as they didn’t feel comfortable with the developing body. ..still we had no words for this …they didn’t really want to be ‘the opposite sex’ they didn't like the male anatomy anymore than they liked the female one. ..as they tended to only come forward to watch Star Trek in those days they felt attracted to aliens whose body was compeletely neutral and had no specific attributes of either gender.

At one point one did stay out long enough that they got the idea they could have our chest removed if it was for the purpose of preventing breast cancer and this would be seen as ‘acceptable for cancer prevention’ by the outside world (given our mother had died from it) without giving away the fact they didn’t feel comfortable with the body as it was. ..(past experience taught us we must mask heavily and supress anything not considered ‘normal’ to not be ‘locked away’ in a hospital/home etc).

However our father then got dx with cancer and it we were told it wasn’t appropriate at that time as we needed to all come together to deal with and support our father first as his was terminal…so it got shelved…as that alter returned inside as they struggled to cope with the hospital visits and a new host was created to get through the experience who had no memory the last host had wanted that. .(as we didn't have the same level of awareness or communication between us back then).

Those feelings didn't re-emerge again until the previous ‘tomboy’ alters re-emerged during peri-menopasue when hormone levels went erratic again.

Now we’re post-menopause those feelings have settled down again..they have accepted the chest as it will shrink with age and weight loss and the monthly cycles are over. ..still they tend to come out more in the winter when we can wear thick jumpers and cover it more and different ones host through the summer months where its too hot to wear all black and heavy fleece tops etc!

Our body is now 56. our hair is longer now mainly cos we couldn’t visit hairdressers during pandemic and easier to just stick in ponytail to trim bottom and fringe. Long hair is also more acceptable in males now and our ‘tomboy’ ones actually like it when people can’t tell immediately whether we’re male or female ..and could be either!

As host who tends to be dealing with other people I can make myself look ‘age and body appropriate’ by changing clothes, hair and make up etc when we have appointments or social events. I change to comfier clothes as soon as I get back in. ..we’ve managed to find a compromise.