In doubt - can anyone relate?

I have an alter whom I don’t know much about, but one thing is clear - they’re adamant that no one can ever know that we’re a system (which is understandable imo).

They seem to “disappear” for long periods of time, to the point I’m even questioning if they are even “real” or if I’m just “me” as in one person.

Anyhow. Whenever I watch/read about multiplicity and others’ experiences, when there are other people around (like when someone comes into my room or when there is a possibility that someone does) I immediately feel a strong feeling of anger/worry/anxiety (I think?) that isn’t mine. It makes sense to me as they don’t want to risk that anyone finds out. Is anyone else experiencing something like this?

Today, for example. I guess I’m provoking it which might not be the best thing to do, but I’m still doubting that it isn’t just my own feelings and want more “proof”.

I was sitting in a room with other people reading about it, and apart from that feeling from inside, I felt my body getting… like, a “bubbly” feeling, sort of a buzz in my body and I get tense. Which isn’t me, since I’m okay with doing it.

Sorry for making this such a long post, but I’m unsure how to word or explain things. So, is there any of you whom can relate to this?

Our therapist used to call that behaviour "poking the tiger".
You know it's a way of provoking contact so you do it because you don't know how else to get their attention.
Next time you get that buzzy feeling think to that feeling "I hear you I'm sorry I provoked you but I don't know how else to get in touch. Please give me another way to communicate so I don't have to repeat this behaviour that upsets you."
Even if they don't give you a response stop doing the behaviour that triggers them as no one will want to engage with someone that ignores them.

As much as you want to communicate with them you do not need to communicate with them and ignoring their preference is only going to make you less trustworthy in their eyes. Eventually, when they feel safe they will become more chatty.

I hear mine quite a lot and it's sometimes hard to ignore because some of the messages need decoding because they are short and complex

If I get feelings that I feel aren't "my own" then that is also equally as difficult to decode because if they're bad feelings I'm tempted to tell them to stop it because it hurts a lot

I'm learning to ask what it is that I'm doing to bring on those feelings

My therapist is keen on letting me know that all these feelings are in fact my own and even though it doesn't feel that way to me, I do keep that in mind because I would like to move forward with my life

Other times I reassure myself quite a lot that we are no longer in that situation and we are safe now

It's all I can do

Be kind to yourself

I definitely hide my other personalities when I'm able to. Sometimes I can't. Times I can't, it's very disorienting, it feels like stepping into the wrong movie.