Can't even stay safe inside a psychward? Possible *TW*

Hi,

So I'm currently hospitalised and will soon be (end of the month) seen by a DID specialist to confirm my psychiatrist's hypothesis of a complex dissociative disorder (we're thinking partial DID).

Meanwhile I happened to be hospitalised and even here I don't feel / am not safe.
I'm frustrated because the team knows I have this dx/dx suspicion BUT they know next to nothing about the diag itself and are not helpful to help me stay safe, despite me trying to explain to the best of my capabilities (at the risk of sounding fantastical, sometimes i wonder what some think but i don't even care anymore.)

A few days ago I got a very scary experience and was wondering if anyone over here might have any advice:



*MAY BE TRIGGERING TW *
(Mention of self-directed violence/agression)


So very basically, we made it to the psychward after a dangerous self harming act, and the moment between the 1st phase of planning and the actual act was short because all of us had something to gain from a hospitalisation. (In simplistic terms, the destructive side gets to destruct and the one who wants a future hopes to find help towards healing)

Anyway, since I've been here, the dynamic is basically: whenever i confide to a nurse, i'm internally being called a traitor/collaborator and sometimes physically punished.

My perspective has been switching A LOT faster than usual since i've been here, and sometimes I fully trust the "darker" side to take control and just merge with it, other times i feel more of a duality, and when there are certain triggers the violent and hurt part takes over and i have no idea how to calm it down (never have) other than turn violent towards myself.
And when the part who wants a future is awaken, they despair over the situation and wish we could just get the F out of here and live a fullfilling life (and that part has its own obstacles that the darker ones don't: anxiety, executive dysfunction from ADHD, mood, moments of dissociation/derealisation/loss of feelings etc.. + sleep and ED issue that we all share prerry much equally. They also would like the docs to help on their own obstacles.)

To get to the point:

A few days ago, after talking to an actually great and understanding nurse about feeling desperate abour the whole siruation, i was about to go get a vallium and ice pack when i felt i needed to punish myself first.
Before talking to the nurse i had actually began to awaken a violent part and i suppose they were caught short/interrupted by the nurse unexpectedly seeing us and talking to us.
The violent part still needed some kind of explosion.

So i went to hide in a corner of the small garden we have here, night was beggining to fall.
And it escalated and lost control.
It started with small hits and became worse and worse and i basically stayed trapped there for almost an hour and a half, beaten up by this part and crying and unable to physically escape.
I mostly beat up my leg because my arms are still sore from another episode (shorter and less scary).
I was genuinely scared that they would break my bones. I litterally started to whisper out loud "wtf do you want?? Do you want me dead?? What have i done??"

I only started to feel some sort of relief once it decided i was hurt enough and was able, albeit with difficulty, to get up and go to a nurse.

The next day i was extremely shaken up, as if i had been assaulted which was pretty much the case.

I tried to explain to them that i can't ask for help when my mind is switched to a goal of self destruction and there is no more "i" to seek the help.
Or that i'd rather stop talking to them than being punished after i do.
They don't really seem to get it. Ice packs and vallium can help when you want to SH out of emotional distress, but not when you actually want to hurt yourself or punish it. Imagine being angry with someone and wanting to beat them up, you wouldnt bring them an ice pack or a hug instead, it makes no sense.

They don't get it.
And i'm scared that i ll end up breaking bones or something. Or worse, idk.
And i'm not sure how to avoid another episode, when to ask for help, how, and how to prevent it.


Is anyone familiar with the situation and/or could think of any advice?

One of the nurse proposed i try to draw some sort of sketch or scale to communicate where i'm at and the different ways things could turn out from there.
I ll try to give it a shot although i'm currently burnt out from trying to explain myself, the switches, the triggers...

That sounds really scary and it's great you are reaching out. Also it's neet that you guys are allowed internet access. Last time I was anywhere near a psych ward (2007ish) it was a no gadget zone, there wasn't even an analouge telephone. Contact with the outside world was deemed detrimental But then again different countries do things differently.

I digress I think you need to make a symptom and action chart. I've had to do the same thing for social work even though we have been stable for 5 years. Basically list any tells you might have and what you would like them to do.

Eg. Your chat might say... If I ask for help I am on the verge of losing control DONOT leave me alone for a second if you need to leave the room to fetch medication take me with you of physically hand me over to another member of staff.
If I am self harming I will not be capable of giving consent to treatment I hereby pre authorise the following treatment..... (be very specific with this one, don't just say restraint or you may be in a choke hold specify the type of restraint like wrist lock)

I don't know if you are aware of other tells you have that you would feel comfortable divulging
On my list I avoided using my diagnosis (because social work had zero concept of did beyond the film split but they do work with people with learning difficulties) instead I talked about mental age and capacity for consent. Eg on our plan we have "If we are wearing our dinosaur hoodie please assume I am at the mental capacity of a 7 year old and have the ability for consent and emotional labour equivalent to that age group, this state is temporary if it lasts for more than 30 minuets call Dr so and so on..... In the mean time phrasing things in the form of chores and playtime will ensure house work can still be done, our picture bord for communicating chores and rewards is under the sink "

Good luck

Ps be kind to the abusive part they are trying to protect you. If you can establish communication with them you may be able to find out why they think breaking your arms and legs will keep you safe. Often it's not simply to punish you it can be a convoluted logic of "if you are obviously still in pain then the abuser won't beat us up and he will kill us next time he beets us up" , or "if you are broken the pedophile won't find you attractive anymore"