Do I Have DID or an Alter? Please help

Hello, My name is Matthew and I believe I am a host to a possible Alter called James.

I am seeking advice to see if this is just a fantasy to cope with reality or if my Alter is real.

My Story.

I am 40+ years old and although my childhood was not the worst, It was difficult.
When I started pre-school I developed an uncontrollable twitch that still bothers me to this day.

I have managed to control the twitching with pain techniques (Squeezing thumb or toes to create a pain distraction) This helped as I got older to control the twitches and make it less visible to the outside world.

The head shaking/twitches would be a violent shaking of the head sometime causing discomfort and headaches. I have always been convinced that it has effected my personality somewhat through minor damage.

My parents were loving to me but unfortunately when I was younger, I would always hear them argue (Sometimes daily) and cover my head under the pillow. It effected me massively as a young child. I used to create fantasy lands that I could escape to. Having a form of Hyperphantasia allowed me to create a fantasy with ease. but lead to some very confusing times.

I have always talked to myself in my own head and sometimes out load in private although rare so I don't look crazy to others. It feels like I am talking to a friend/partner rather than myself.

As I developed into teens, I was bullied daily at School and that had yet another devastating impact for me. Then I lost my dad at 15yo and James kind of stepped in and protected me. Didn't really grieve for a year or so before the pain of loosing him came out. I think James knew I couldn't cope.

As I was a teen, I started to really feel something different. It was like 2 sides of the coin but very unique characteristics.

I kind of felt split. One side was clever, emotional and caring and full of empathy towards others, The other side of me (James) was more calculating, distressed and in pain. with a darker humour and even darker fantasies.

I learned to control my darker urges by allowing James tip bits of naughtiness to satisfy his desires.
Instead, that helped take the edge of and allowed me to regain control.

Decades have passed and I learnt to live with my condition. with my possible Alter appearing every few weeks, reeking havoc then leaving me to feel the guilt and emotions. Now I am older I can control things better. I learnt to build walls in my head to create boundaries. It worked most of the time but sometime the walls would come down and I would be a different person for a short while.

I have always described my alter as a influential fog in my head that confuses my desires, emotions and stress however I am starting to believe that this fog is more a real identity than I first imagined.

When switching, we definitely have different personalities and desires.

Recently after being with my current partner for 19 years, We decided to get married a few weeks ago. Although she has known about my mental health for a couple of years. She did not know the extent of what was going on with a possible alter cohabiting with me as a unit.

After speaking, we decided the only option was to embrace it and it's been magical. Allowing James to come forward and take control has been a breath of fresh air physically and emotionally and now clears my head much better when allowing James to interact.

When switching my wife has stated that my look changes. Eye movement, voice deepens and the personality change is instant.

I am not looking for a professional diagnosis, I don't do Doctors and feel I am now in a position with my life to be able to embrace this without intervention.

I am looking for your thoughts on my/our condition.

This is the first time opening up publicly in a forum so a bit nervous of the response but any thoughts are very welcome.

Thank you for listening.

Hi Matthew (and James),

Welcome to the forum!

No one on here can make a determination as to how to label the experiences you're describing. *IF* James is an alter, then you would be one as well--host is just the name for the alter who fronts the most.

The only disorders that have alters are DID and the type of OSDD that is most similar to DID. So, *IF* you have(are) alters, then the label would be DID or OSDD. But that's somewhat irrelevant if you're not planning to seek formal diagnosis or treatment.

It sounds like you're moving in a healthy direction--allowing each other to take control at different times, and making sure you're both getting your needs met. The basic initial goals that people often try to work on have to do with increasing communication, cooperation, and collaboration, since you have to share the body and this one life.

Having a partner who accepts both of you is a big plus. Congratulations on your marriage!

Best,
the Gang

TheGangsAllHere,

Thank you for the reply.

What you said about both being Alters makes sense. I guess (Selfishly) because I am fronting the majority of the time I wrongly assume that I'm the main character here, I am not. just a selfish alter taking control all the time because of denial for so many years.

It's nice to hear that we are on the right path with allowing control to both "Alters" Finding boundaries that we are both comfortable with to allow both equal access is the current challenge.

One thing I am struggling with is memory. Since sharing access, I am finding it more difficult to retain memories from my day - day life. Nothing to serious as far as I know just short term memory recall is getting worse the more we both share access. Having a conversation with my wife, I struggle to continue to remember what we were talking about especially if the subject topic relates to D.I.D or Matthew/James.

Hi Matthew & James

I don’t have an official diagnosis either ..well not of DID or OSDD only of Autism and some physical issues.

I think I have ADHD mixed in with my autism and I’ve always had an ability to recreate what I’ve seen/liked on TV etc and create highly detailed fantasy worlds based on stuff like Star Trek, Narnia etc. I wondered about Hyperphantasia too.

I have wondered if some were imaginary friends or Tulpa’s but have been doing a lot of research in Tulpa community too and it still leaves so much unexplained. Despite this some of our younger ones have embraced the idea of being a Tulpa rather than an alter and have a lot of fun with it as our inner world is so vivid. They mostly stay inside and there’s 3 of us who host/co-host and take care of the external daily life.

JJ

Hi,

I agree with Gangs. 'increasing communication, cooperation, and collaboration' is exactly what you need right now. Also both of you have to get used to being on a team and that what you guys do effects each other. Our Host used to think he was the only one, then the main one, then he ought to be the main one, then he realized he's on the team like the rest of us.

Good luck

Iain