Mission: Get my life together

Okay! Starting a new thread. It's been about 3 or so weeks (not sure exactly how long, I've been just trying to get through the days) since I've been stuck like this. I assume having medical issues/going to my parents' house and doing the whole seeing-doctors-nightmare brought up very bad memories for me and upset the tenuous balance I had previously. I'm doing my best to pick up the pieces- a lot of the time I'm just trying to get through the day, do my job, do my best to eat something, basic hygiene, feed cats, etc. I know before this I (the previous host? I don't know the right terminology here) was really buckling down on trying to work on my mental health, and I know I was doing pretty well.

Well, definitely not anymore- I am not what I would call stable right now- I think to the outside eye I'm doing okay, but when I'm alone it all goes belly-up. I know logically I'm 24- my body is 24, my mind is 24- but I feel SO young. I hate the fact that this body doesn't look how I picture myself to be, and I hate that things are different from how I am used to them being. I miss my friend from school.

I went to the old host's therapist two weeks ago, and hated it- I just really, really didn't click with her. So I found a new therapist, who specializes in CPTSD and dissociation and OCD- I had my first meeting with her last week, and liked her a lot, but I won't be able to see her again for a while since this week is a holiday week. Still, I am a bit optimistic that she might be able to help me. She talked about parts as something normal that everyone has, just in my case with more dissociation, which helped normalize things. The therapy modality she uses is mainly IFS, but she's trained in EMDR (something I've done before, but definitely am not in a place for right now) and psychodynamic therapy, along with other things like play and somatic therapy.

Because I've been focused so much on survival, I haven't been thinking about the DID as much- I think it's too much for me to deal with right now, if I'm being honest, because I start thinking about how everyone is quiet right now and I feel alone and crazy and sad. Back when I was really this age, I could become not-me when things got too hard, and skip the scary stuff. I don't know how I did it back then, but I can't be not-me right now.

It's weird, some things I remember so clearly, and some things are really hard to think about and very foggy. I can't really remember much about the last several years I think, but enough to not be disoriented and not be suspicious to other people. When I came to a while ago I panicked and texted the host's friend, but this time I'm a bit more grounded. Hopefully it will continue to get better.

I also got a workbook "Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation" that I have seen recommended, and also vaguely remember someone working on while I was in residential treatment earlier this year. I have not been able to maintain the attention span to read it or fill out any exercises yet (I am also getting tested for ADHD, because my brother has it and my psychiatrist apparently suspects I do to, and that some of the "dissociation" might actually be attention issues, which would be incredible) but I am hoping it will also be helpful- I like workbooks a lot.

Anyways, I am going to use this as a journal/record so if things change I can back-read, because I have a bad habit of destroying/erasing journal entries in a panic. Since apparently you can't edit these, I think it is ideal

Well done for coming on here and taking that step for a permanent journal you sound like you are trying hard and that's what counts. Good luck with your stuff and if you are 12 or younger come and hang out on the littles thread.

Okay, I went away for a while, but on Thanksgiving my neighbor spent an hour screaming until her voice gave out (I think she was breaking up were her boyfriend, but sounded like she was getting murdered, so I went out onto the fire escape and waited for hours to make sure everything was okay), and then I was back. Since then I haven't been very stable. But it's reassuring to see that this is still here. It means there's proof I existed before this. I might be going to a PHP program for PTSD and dissociation soon, unless I can pull myself together soon. It's just for two weeks, but it's frustrating, because I'll have to take a leave from work and leave my cats for 5 days a week.

I feel like I'm always the one that messed everything up, but I can't help that I'm 14 and stuck like this. And not even the good parts of 14, I feel like I'm just the worst parts of the host at 14 put together into one messed up half-person. I have stuff I like to do, sure, but what's the point of doing anything when I don't even have a life and everything could change overnight and I could go back to being the host. I'm not bitter I'm just lonely and sad I guess.

I really want to reach out to my friend, I still have their tumblr, but I know the host is literally terrified of them. So I probably shouldn't. But none of what they did was their fault, everyone is messed up at 14 and they were really really messed up- it wasn't their fault. And I really miss them.