Afraid of my sysmates?

TW for sort of suicidal ideation

I'm so tired, yall. Like so tired. We lived with an abusive friend and their family for a few years, and only got fully away from them about a year ago. I've come to realize that a lot of our fronting and communication problems where actually caused by or worsened by this friend.

Some context: The way we're set up, I'm (the host, hi) constantly at front. I can carry front around headspace with me and I can slide back a bit to let someone else front, but we're typically always cocon. I'm not sure why it works like this, but I'm coming around to it.

This friend told me so many times that it was my fault that other people weren't or couldn't front. They told me I was being cruel to my sysmates. I agonized over this. I felt horrible. this friend was older than us and also a system, and they helped us realize we're a system. We'd known them online since our senior year of high school. I took them at their word. I thought they were helping, or trying to. I hated myself. It got to a point where I begged to be forced into dormancy.

Now, I get scared of my sysmates. I get scared that I'm going to "get in trouble" for not being perfect. At least, what I was envisioning perfect to be. I'm realizing that's probably not even healthy, let alone achievable. I get scared when I accidentally push them away or make them uncomfortable. It all comes down on my head, all the ways that friend made me feel like our problems were my fault alone, and I get scared that they hate me.

I have three internal partners. I have a very large support system that is around me daily in here. They assure me that they love me and that things are okay. That even when I do something wrong or unpleasant, it's fixable. I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe someone will have felt the same way. If you have, I'm sorry. I know it's not fun. But I'm learning to trust that they mean well. I'm learning that I don't have to be perfect. And neither do you. So... thanks for reading? I think I also needed to put this out somewhere before it ate me.

Hi and welcome

Everybodies systems are different and need different things. If you are able to be co-con it may help to work on communication with the ones you can be co-con with and work from there? They might know for example whether the ones that don’t come out..actually want to or not. We have some that are happier inside and find external life too overwhelming. You may have a gatekeeper who knows which ones feels this way so is blocking too much info from reaching the inside.


Ellie

Shadowlands wrote:Hi and welcome

Everybodies systems are different and need different things. If you are able to be co-con it may help to work on communication with the ones you can be co-con with and work from there? They might know for example whether the ones that don’t come out..actually want to or not. We have some that are happier inside and find external life too overwhelming. You may have a gatekeeper who knows which ones feels this way so is blocking too much info from reaching the inside.


Ellie

You make a really good point. Our communication has gotten leagues better since we got away from that friend, so while it can still be hard, we've been working on cooperating more. I had to learn that some people just don't want to come to front and that pulling people up here is really rude. I'm working on that a lot. One of my partners is actually a gatekeeper! He's always busy and rushing around. I'm really really proud of him. He's doing a very good job and working very hard. I don't know exactly what all he does, but I trust him to help us function smoothly. Thank you for your reply!