‘Who am I? Files

We have managed to gain access to some of those locked files we had found …and several contained document subtitled Who am I?’ …with page after page of a ..what seems like a random date where maybe a host came forward in the past not knowing who they were So they write out what was important to ‘that-me’ in that moment which often resulted in a name they felt was significant to them in particular. ..and from then on it seemed they ‘became that name’.

Several stated the importance of choosing their ‘system nick-name’ themselves as they had no choice over the legal name. To many past hosts it seemed much more important than selecting a random name to be their ‘screen name’.

I ask as I feel ‘Mila’ holds much more significance to me than Ezri (more or less selected on the spot we happened to be watched Star Trek on satellite at time of posting) and though I get why…as ‘Ezri Dax’ (the character in that episode) was also an holder of others memories , as a name it still doesn’t carry the same significance to ‘this-me’that ‘Mila’ does.

‘Ellie’ is also currently struggling to decide whether her nickname is ‘her’, she also holds past social hosts memories but doesn’t want their names either as they are ‘not her’

We seem to change names a lot with the belief that changing the name changes who the alter is. ..which to us..it does. We only use a last alters/hosts name with their permission if they are to become part of an integrated blend and have given permission for it to happen.

Is this part of DID too then? How do you (hosts) and your alters choose what individual names to use? How do you choose which parts/fragments should have individual names or which are not separate enough (maybe just more like you in a different mood or role. Ie. ‘At Work-me’)?

I don't choose names per se (unless it's a screen name that needs to be very different from any other name I use). They just come as needed. If a name does not fit, it does not stick. If a part does not need a name, they don't have any.

It's a bit abstract and difficult to explain. Names are not important, unless they are. Anything can exist without a name, but for some identities, the name is an important aspect of who they are and they absolutely need it.

*gestures vaguely*

I just go with the flow.

I've found that I often change the name I go by (I being me as a "whole") after something big/traumatic happens, in the belief that I've literally become a different person. Picking out a name feel very important to me, because I'm very into the concepts of "true names" and names determining who/what you are, so I can really obsess over names. I have similar pages in my journal where I panic and list out everything important to me in a desperate attempt to figure out who I am
-Thistle

One of us thinks that names are super important, but I think the rest of us care a little less- names are more just things to call ourselves. I think of us more by title/vibe like "the little one" or "the scared one" or "the work one" because I think that focusing too much on names makes me more dissociated.
-GInkgo

It seems from stuff we’re finding now after unlocking those files that different alters had different beliefs and were quite funny about names and descriptions. It seems this was splitting the system down the middle.

Some didn’t like being called alters at all, some saw the ‘host name’ as one anyone could use on other forums too because they saw it like ‘the general internet ID of the body’ in the same way as the ‘outside name’ is the ‘legal name of the body’ that everyone has to respond to regardless of who it was at the front at the time. (or what they see their internal name as).

This maybe why some past hosts reported finding posts they couldn’t remember writing and fearing for their memory (something like dementia developing) when in fact it could be that another alter actually did write it but used the general ‘host name’ rather than give another name. It seems some did have the ability to intentionally block the hosts memories of the time they had ‘slipped out’.

One journal entry mentioned a confusion in a FB group where the account is actually in the RL dogs name but the alter had used their own name to introduce themself and included a host photo (with dog) …. however there was someone in the group who ‘knew us’ by a different name as apparently they had used a picture which had been used on a past hosts account. (which the alter posting didn’t know existed).

So this could possibly be the reason other system members use one name incase they decide to stay in a group and later add photo’s of the dog or whatever (for general pet owner forums) the ‘social mask’ hosts tended to prefer these general kind of forums. The ‘secret selves’ who mainly lived inside usually did not come out to interact with the outside world unless no other people were in the house or only later on DID forums when it was acceptable to have ‘many others’ inside with their own names.

It seems the younger ones trapped inside for years, quite enjoyed this new found freedom and had started to join other similar communities using the same or similar names knowing the social mask hosts would only stick to specific forums so would never find out! …(unless someone asked them if they knew them from another forum) this seems to have caused quite a bit of chaos and arguments in our system.

As younger ones would argue they had a right to be who they wanted to be too even if their beliefs were different …the older ones tried in vain to explain other outside people wouldn’t see it like that…they see only one body here! And in the outside world they only seeing ‘that rule’ applying to one physical body (which they’re assuming contains only one core personality) ..from their viewpoint ‘I’ (the legal name) is ‘pretending to be different people on the internet’ (we don’t have an official DID diagnosis and doubt we would have told anyone even if we did)

….then another issue seemed to arise with an external person that seems to have been ‘the straw that broke the camels back’ … and going by the date the last entry was..seems to have triggered this last reset. (possibly the stress from it all triggering an ‘FND episode’)

I’m starting to find myself constantly checking my watch to check how much time has passed and making sure I knew ‘yes it was definitely me here for those 10 mins’ …or 30 mins or whatever..

stationeleven wrote:I've found that I often change the name I go by (I being me as a "whole") after something big/traumatic happens, in the belief that I've literally become a different person. Picking out a name feel very important to me, because I'm very into the concepts of "true names" and names determining who/what you are, so I can really obsess over names. I have similar pages in my journal where I panic and list out everything important to me in a desperate attempt to figure out who I am
-Thistle

One of us thinks that names are super important, but I think the rest of us care a little less- names are more just things to call ourselves. I think of us more by title/vibe like "the little one" or "the scared one" or "the work one" because I think that focusing too much on names makes me more dissociated.
-GInkgo

Hi

Thanks for answering guys. Our external host has changed at key points of our life ..eg the ones who identified with the birth name no longer fronted after our mum died in the real world...another host was created ......others were created due to meltdowns in life when we were older and medical incidents. They had no awareness of the others inside though..except for 2...who had lived inside before hosting outside.

Most insiders identified with the birth name except 1 and found it confusing re-emerging later in life after the legal name was changed... The actual legal name has only been changed once but they often change their 'system nicknames'...and it gets confusing especially if the host had not been 'inside' and was unaware of the name switch they may think its a 'new alter'.

Some of ours are changelings too and can change form so even taking human form their internal bodies can look completely different to what they did when they created their previous name and their voices sound different making it easy for them to mimic hosts in other circumstances. It can get very confusing & disorientating! The only 'tell' is they are often deeply bonded to a specific human host part so waiting to see who they naturally return to can give away their identity.

it seems our younger ones also got quite disruptive when the body went through the menopause triggered out by the severe and rapid mood swings I guess.

It has left 'this me' wondering who I am now! ..and how long I'll get to stay here...is there any point trying to fix the system or try and get everyone back in line!

Shadowlands wrote:is there any point trying to fix the system or try and get everyone back in line!

This sort of effort is never lost. Even though it feels like we cycle back to the starting point, it's never "back to the starting point". It's more like an upward spiral. It feels like we are "back" but we are not at the same point - and the global effort is upwards.

This page has a nice drawing illustrating the concept + written explanations.

Wow, this is the same way my system seems to be set up as well. I call it “serial front people.”
In our case we had a major trauma in 2016 and now switch a lot more frequently. We’ve had people in front who didn’t even know we had DID (for years!). You’re not alone.

ArbreMonde wrote:

Shadowlands wrote:is there any point trying to fix the system or try and get everyone back in line!

This sort of effort is never lost. Even though it feels like we cycle back to the starting point, it's never "back to the starting point". It's more like an upward spiral. It feels like we are "back" but we are not at the same point - and the global effort is upwards.

This page has a nice drawing illustrating the concept + written explanations.

Thanks we’ll have a look at that…in the example are we supposed to be at the top of that spiral or at the bottom working up?

Menagerie wrote:Wow, this is the same way my system seems to be set up as well. I call it “serial front people.”
In our case we had a major trauma in 2016 and now switch a lot more frequently. We’ve had people in front who didn’t even know we had DID (for years!). You’re not alone.

Thanks…. Names do seem important to ours and some regret changing names if they’ve come to the front not knowing who they are, created a new name then when we have all the memories back thinking ‘actually that (previous) nickname/system name suited us really well..I understand why we chose it now!’

We were previously called The `Tri-Force and had chosen that partly so it didn’t matter who fronted (the account name wasn’t in any particular alters name) but also it reflected how our system had always worked from a young age…. The ‘core child’ (the most autistic who only came out at home), their changeling companion and ‘the social mask’ who would originally have been created by the changeling blending with the child…. Coming up with an ‘at school me’ etc then the most successful ones splitting off as a separate alter and becoming the host for social situations within a specific time frame. (eg one child host was the front from 6-10yrs old but then couldn’t cope with the move to secondary school …not many could we had more active alters in the secondary school period 11-16yrs - than any other period of life except for peri-menopause it seems)!

The social host was usually the opposite of the ‘core self’ alter of the time period and the changeling functioned as like a guardian or gatekeeper. Each role making up a piece of the Tri-Force that made up the ‘whole self’ ..I wish the last ones hadn’t left and deleted our name and Avatar now, they’d got it spot on!

I'm pretty sure you can change your name and avatar back to the ones you had before if you want to.