shape-shifting persecutor - wanting validation(?)

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM

hello again! I've posted a couple times here but it's been under different circumstances. recently we've done a host switch, which is a very good thing! but I'm very confused now.

we have an alter, which i can't tell who or what it is. i know it wants to hurt us/me, to make us hurt as though we deserve it. the past host was very melancholy and miserable, so this other alter affected them a lot, leading us to have various self-harm tendencies.
it started getting bad near the end of our last hosts time in front.
I dont share that belief at all, and I strive towards happiness, safety and comfort!

this last week has been strange. i couldn't tell what was going on or who i was, but I was not in front. it felt as though someone was pretending to be me, taking my persona and twisting it into something dark and malicious. we ended up relapsing in a few addictions i won't name.
it made me feel sick and dirty. I couldn't look in the mirror and I was not happy, but i couldn't see that. I saw my actions as done by "me," and did not question it until it was too late.

i suppose it is the amnesia? i know this sort of thing happens but I haven't been host for more than a month or two, im just very... lost and confused.

yesterday was very bad. we get affected by emotions, thoughts and actions by other people a lot. everyone we were around seemed mad in some way. on our way home things escalated, which led to a very harmful mindset. luckily another alter was able to "fight" them off for me, but I'm still shaken by the entire thing.

I want to know and understand why this is happening, but it's so hard to wrap my head around! I do not know how to communicate properly with my alters unless they are fully present with me. most of the time i am stuck in a hazy cloud, and everything is blurry and muffled.

I suppose i am wondering if this entire concept is believable, that it has happened to others. i know that the realm of possibility is vast with a disorder like this, but it is hard to understand the scope exactly.

thank you!! any words are appreciated. times have been rough but I am firm on getting through it!

-- Sat Aug 03, 2024 6:32 am --

this particular alter seems to change shape and tone based on the current host... it has had many different looks.

they have done things for us reluctantly, in the name of helping us. but it has never been fully of their own accord, and oftentimes their reaction is extremely violent to us and everything around us.

We have ones that have the ability to change form though apparently they do not like the term ‘shape shifter’ and no longer identify with it ..so we have been reluctant to answer as it was causing arguments.

You mention they have helped however reluctantly so do you have communication with them? Can you ask them how they see themself and what they are trying to achieve? Maybe in their mind they are like a guardian and trying to protect you from external abuse?

hello! i understand. and no worries!

Shadowlands wrote:You mention they have helped however reluctantly so do you have communication with them? Can you ask them how they see themself and what they are trying to achieve?

im not sure about most things, we are still early in understanding and healing. id like to ask them, but having deep conversation is extremely challenging especially where I am currently, relating to being a host rather than just an EP.
from what I gather they're providing more of a distraction than anything else, if I can say that? to distract from any anger or negative thoughts by violent or harmful means.

the last communication I had with them personally was their attempts to sugarcoat the harmful acts with kind words.
although they have been less than kind recently.

we only seem to be able to communicate currently in times of crisis. i, before I was host, had no issues reaching out to the old host for other reasons though, to ask questions or make remarks about things. i do not know where the differences lie!

I've been there in the past so I totally understand how uncomfortable and overwhelming the situation is. Persecutor alters DO try to help but they completely miss the point. It is possible to teach them to have more adapted behaviors: their heart is in the right place (or they are hurt and try to protect themself) but they need to "update" their ways for things that are more efficient in the here and now.

I have found help in the book "Coping with trauma related dissociation" and in articles such as these ones : https://troublesdissociatifs-wordpress- ... r_pto=wapp (link translates the texts from french to english)

These articles give advices on how to learn to build communication and cooperation : https://troublesdissociatifs-wordpress- ... r_pto=wapp

I found the series on attachment issues very interesting and helpful too : https://troublesdissociatifs-wordpress- ... r_pto=wapp