what is this

I can't really say who I am right now because I haven't a ###$ clue. I don't know what is real anymore. I can't tell if this is just something my brain created to deal with lonlieness or if it's real. Why is it that I still deal with the trauma when it's supposed to be the altars who said they took it from me's job? Why don't I just NOT know like everyone else? Why do I remember? I'm the host, I'm supposed to be normal but I'm not. I have intense emotions, I have such a fear of abadonment, I sleep deprive myself because I think bad things will happen if I sleep. I'm messed up. I cry myself to sleep every single night. I am never nice to myself, I'm cruel to myself. If keeping the bad things and trauma away is their job why do I still suffer? Why do I still remember? Therapy isn't an option until I'm eighteen so professional answers isn't an option. Why are they here? What do they even do besides ocassionally comfort me or completley mess up my life yes alice i'm talking about you now leave me alone. I'm so angry. I don't have support around me. I never did. Nobody cares I suffer in silence.

It's a misunderstanding that the host has "no issue whatsoever".

One can be a host and hold trauma.
One can be a host and have attachment disorders.
One can be a host and have mood disorders.
One can be a host and experience traumatic intrusions from the other alters because they are desperately asking for help with their pain - or because they are desperately trying to save you from things they percieve as dangerous.

For a long time, the host in my system was a trauma holder, because I was still living in a stressful / dangerous / traumatized environment daily. I hear your pain because I felt a similar pain for years.

Finding people willing and able to help in a way that will be helpful is difficult. You have all my support.

This is no magical solution but you will find self-help books in the ressources list (link in my signature) some of them can be pre-viewed indefinitely front to cover on some websites (you might need a VPN to access said websites) which is helpful when you don't have the money yet to buy them. There are also websites with free content and YouTube channels.

Hope this helps, even just a little.