my experiences, curious of your thoughts

Hello, I'm new here. I'm not sure if I have DID or some form of it. I was hoping those of you here could help me. I know nobody here can diagnose me and I'm okay with that, I guess I'm kind of just hoping you can tell me whether or not you relate or have a similar experience or just will tell me your thoughts and opinions.

I've had identity issues for as long as I can remember. The first instance I can think of is when I was around 6 and I had to do something I didnt want to do, so I pretended I was a cartoon character instead, because it made it feel funnier and made it easier to deal with.

I'm in my 30s now. I still do this, but its more intense now. There was a period in my teens that I took on the personality of a fictional character for 3 years. I didnt know at the time but I know now that I was using them to express my feelings about certain things. I felt like I could only express them through the character.

It was really hard to come out of that. I felt like my main self was trapped underneath that personality. I wanted to come out but I felt like my own personality wasnt strong enough.

When I take on these characters, I feel compelled to do things I wouldn't normally so. They think differently about things than I, the one writing this, do. Even if I'm inside, and I disagree with it, I can't seem to stop them from doing things because that personality is stronger.

I've realized that I use certain characters for certain things. Basically things that I can't deal with myself. Like if I am incapable of dealing with something, I use a character thats better equipped to help me deal with it.

I noticed too that when one of the personalities leaves, my feelings leave with it. I've gotten into relationships under these characters and when they leave, I don't love the partner anymore. It's like the character loved them, not me.

A lot of the time, I dont dissociate when I am these characters. I'm aware that I am them, I just cant really stop it. And it seems like certain memories are attached to those personalities specifically, like I'll forget the things they know until they take over.

There are times, though, that I do dissociate and it causes a different personality to come out. I dissociate when I'm very stressed, and when this happens, I have two personalities that come out that are pretty dark. One feels like a demon and doesnt care about anything or anyone. Another is more animalistic and crawls around.

I also when I dissociate have visions of goo creatures. Im not sure if these are personalities but they come before I dissociate. One time I saw in my mind that a black hand of goo came out my spine and wrapped around my head as if it was taking me over. I sometimes imagine me growing spikes and transforming into a werewolf or alien or goo monster.

That's all I can think of at the moment. If you guys can relate, or think I might have DID, or just have any thoughts, let me know.

Oh and my therapist refers to my other selves as "dissociative identities" but shes not able to give me an official diagnosis.

Certain feelings also leave me when I am no longer in character that can feel those feelings, where I call them states not characters. Even if am not dissociating, thus feeling that state I am in is me, certain feelings are still associated with certain state. However, memories never leave me, I am always aware of what ever happened regardless of state I was in, and there are no states that are based on fictional or non human characters. All my states have the same base, and so are variations of the same person, and it rarely feels like certain state is taking over; I am in state that feels the most secure or the most adequate for given situation. Therefore, I wouldn't think we have the same disorder, where I am sure that my disorder is OSDD instead of DID.

Hi I’m new too. I feel like I was the host in control of the body some years ago but feel re-awoken with no knowledge of who has been hosting in between that time and now.

I am guessing there was more than one simply because there is another two with me who I can feel as ‘not me’. ..I feel I have memories of being told we are dissociative in some capacity but know that `I was undiagnosed and had no awareness of ‘the others’ at the point of leaving the front last time.

It is a strange feeling…I seem to have enough memories to feel I remember ‘my life’ though not all the memories feel like they were mine, but I don’t know who the host was at the time if it wasn’t me, It’s a weird feeling isn’t it???

First of all: you'll find the list of ressources in the link in my signature. Very useful and lots of things to learn about trauma, brain, identity... even for people without DID! (I love knowledge)

Crawly wrote:I've had identity issues for as long as I can remember. The first instance I can think of is when I was around 6 and I had to do something I didnt want to do, so I pretended I was a cartoon character instead, because it made it feel funnier and made it easier to deal with.

"playing pretend" is different than having "identity shifts/switches". That being said, identity states can be developped by taping (consciously or not) into the experiences of playing pretend. Which is what can be seen in the next paragraph of your post: the "pretend play" becoming more and more like something automatic and during much longer periods of time and with less and less conscious effort.

Expressing something through the lense of a character is also used in some forms of therapy like internal family system or ego state therapy. And it works well because that's what the human brain likes to do when things get rough. The issue with dissociative disorders is that the feature cannot be turned off and causes distress due to the intensity of dissociation and dissociative symptoms.

Crawly wrote:When I take on these characters, I feel compelled to do things I wouldn't normally so. They think differently about things than I, the one writing this, do. Even if I'm inside, and I disagree with it, I can't seem to stop them from doing things because that personality is stronger.

That sounds a lot like a dissociative disorder. Not DID per se but dissociative disorder anyway. Books like "Healing the fragmented selves..." and "Coping with trauma related dissociation" (you'll find the full references in the link in my signature) as well as websites like "Troubles dissociatifs documentation" (Google translate does a decent job with it) give advices on how to manage this sort of difficulties in communication and decision making between different identity states.

Crawly wrote:I've realized that I use certain characters for certain things. Basically things that I can't deal with myself. Like if I am incapable of dealing with something, I use a character thats better equipped to help me deal with it.

Consistent with dissociative disorders too: some identities are more equiped than others to access specific ressources and abilities of the brain.

Also, when one of your identities takes the shape of a fictional character it is called a "fictive introjection". My brain loved to use them to make sense of my dissociated part! In fact, most of the identities I've had were fictive introjections.

Crawly wrote:I noticed too that when one of the personalities leaves, my feelings leave with it. I've gotten into relationships under these characters and when they leave, I don't love the partner anymore. It's like the character loved them, not me.

Consistent with dissociation: when some emotions are "stored" inside one identity but not shared with the other identities, things get weird during the identity switches/shifts because some emotions seem to "disappear". They are still here though but not accessible. It can feel weird and empty at times. It eases up with therapy, which helps having more consistent relationships through the sharing of the emotions.

Crawly wrote:A lot of the time, I dont dissociate when I am these characters. I'm aware that I am them, I just cant really stop it.

Dissociation does NOT mean "to stop being aware of myself". It is a possible symptom but not automatic.

Crawly wrote:And it seems like certain memories are attached to those personalities specifically, like I'll forget the things they know until they take over.

This is "dissociative amnesia" FYI

Crawly wrote:There are times, though, that I do dissociate and it causes a different personality to come out. I dissociate when I'm very stressed

Maybe you are thinking about depersonnalization and/or derealization, here.

Crawly wrote:I have two personalities that come out that are pretty dark. One feels like a demon and doesnt care about anything or anyone. Another is more animalistic and crawls around.

Welcome to the weird and "fun" world of non-human identities! They express their painful emotions, thoughts, etc. through their shape and identity. As an example, "not caring" as a way of protecting themself (and you!) from the pain of feeling the stress of "caring too much". But since "not caring" is seen as "bad" in the eyes of society, they take the shape of something "bad" such as a demon.

There are specific exercises to build trust with difficult alters/parts and to help animalistic alters to be able to word their emotions, as well as ways to comfort them, make them suffer less... which makes them less angry, less painful to be around... It does not take their "spice" out but it helps them manage said "spice" to avoide overdoing it in a painful way.

Example of ressource: https://troublesdissociatifs-wordpress- ... r_pto=wapp

Crawly wrote:I also when I dissociate have visions of goo creatures. Im not sure if these are personalities but they come before I dissociate. One time I saw in my mind that a black hand of goo came out my spine and wrapped around my head as if it was taking me over. I sometimes imagine me growing spikes and transforming into a werewolf or alien or goo monster.

Symbolisms are very important in dissociative disorders. They can symbolize everything and anything: memories too painful to remember objectively, emotions that are super painful or uncomfortable, fragments without fully formed identities...

My brain used similar "black goo monster" imageries at some point to symbolize pain, trauma, despair, depression... It almost brings back nostalgia to me now.

Crawly wrote:Oh and my therapist refers to my other selves as "dissociative identities" but shes not able to give me an official diagnosis.

It's sometimes difficult to give a specific diagnosis for many reasons:
- how the symptoms evolve through time (things get better with therapy and one person could be DID one year and OSDD next year and c-PTSD the other next year and poof no dissociation whatsoever only functional multiplicity when the therapy is finished)
- how well th patient can remember the symptoms and report them to the diagnosing therapist (dissociative amnesia can make one unaware of some symptoms for a long time)
- what diagnosis manual is used to label the patient's state (there are some overlaps in categories between the DSM and the CIM and also, from one edition to the other)

Also some therapists don't bother with a very specific diagnosis as long as they pinpoint the treatment that will help the patient and can fill in enough paperwork to help the patient get the help and support they need. The galaxy of dissociative disorders and trauma disorders follow the same rough treatment plan. The adaptation of the treatment plan to the patient changes more from patient to patient than from diagnosis category to diagnosis category.

So, what you describe is consistent with a dissociative disorder. Which flavour is the best match I have no clue, but what treatment plan to follow, well... You have tons of self-help books in the ressources list, names of therapies to try to see which one your brain prefers (this can change over time too!) as well as exercises sheets to practice at home and with a therapist. It always works better with the help of a therapist trained in the treatment of trauma and dissociation. But well, I also know that it costs money and in some countries, trained therapists are rarer than naturally occuring pink pigeons.

Welcome to the forums!

AW10 wrote:Certain feelings also leave me when I am no longer in character that can feel those feelings, where I call them states not characters. Even if am not dissociating, thus feeling that state I am in is me, certain feelings are still associated with certain state. However, memories never leave me, I am always aware of what ever happened regardless of state I was in, and there are no states that are based on fictional or non human characters. All my states have the same base, and so are variations of the same person, and it rarely feels like certain state is taking over; I am in state that feels the most secure or the most adequate for given situation. Therefore, I wouldn't think we have the same disorder, where I am sure that my disorder is OSDD instead of DID.

Oh that's interesting. I do experience things differently but it seems we have some similarities too. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me.

Shadowlands wrote:Hi I’m new too. I feel like I was the host in control of the body some years ago but feel re-awoken with no knowledge of who has been hosting in between that time and now.

I am guessing there was more than one simply because there is another two with me who I can feel as ‘not me’. ..I feel I have memories of being told we are dissociative in some capacity but know that `I was undiagnosed and had no awareness of ‘the others’ at the point of leaving the front last time.

It is a strange feeling…I seem to have enough memories to feel I remember ‘my life’ though not all the memories feel like they were mine, but I don’t know who the host was at the time if it wasn’t me, It’s a weird feeling isn’t it???

Hello, welcome. That is a weird feeling and I'm sorry you experience that confusion. I experience confusion a majority of the time. I think when I'm someone else, I feel like I am me, but the me is not the same me. As in it feels like me at the time but not later.

ArbreMonde wrote:First of all: you'll find the list of ressources in the link in my signature. Very useful and lots of things to learn about trauma, brain, identity... even for people without DID! (I love knowledge)

Crawly wrote:I've had identity issues for as long as I can remember. The first instance I can think of is when I was around 6 and I had to do something I didnt want to do, so I pretended I was a cartoon character instead, because it made it feel funnier and made it easier to deal with.

"playing pretend" is different than having "identity shifts/switches". That being said, identity states can be developped by taping (consciously or not) into the experiences of playing pretend. Which is what can be seen in the next paragraph of your post: the "pretend play" becoming more and more like something automatic and during much longer periods of time and with less and less conscious effort.

Expressing something through the lense of a character is also used in some forms of therapy like internal family system or ego state therapy. And it works well because that's what the human brain likes to do when things get rough. The issue with dissociative disorders is that the feature cannot be turned off and causes distress due to the intensity of dissociation and dissociative symptoms.

Crawly wrote:When I take on these characters, I feel compelled to do things I wouldn't normally so. They think differently about things than I, the one writing this, do. Even if I'm inside, and I disagree with it, I can't seem to stop them from doing things because that personality is stronger.

That sounds a lot like a dissociative disorder. Not DID per se but dissociative disorder anyway. Books like "Healing the fragmented selves..." and "Coping with trauma related dissociation" (you'll find the full references in the link in my signature) as well as websites like "Troubles dissociatifs documentation" (Google translate does a decent job with it) give advices on how to manage this sort of difficulties in communication and decision making between different identity states.

Crawly wrote:I've realized that I use certain characters for certain things. Basically things that I can't deal with myself. Like if I am incapable of dealing with something, I use a character thats better equipped to help me deal with it.

Consistent with dissociative disorders too: some identities are more equiped than others to access specific ressources and abilities of the brain.

Also, when one of your identities takes the shape of a fictional character it is called a "fictive introjection". My brain loved to use them to make sense of my dissociated part! In fact, most of the identities I've had were fictive introjections.

Crawly wrote:I noticed too that when one of the personalities leaves, my feelings leave with it. I've gotten into relationships under these characters and when they leave, I don't love the partner anymore. It's like the character loved them, not me.

Consistent with dissociation: when some emotions are "stored" inside one identity but not shared with the other identities, things get weird during the identity switches/shifts because some emotions seem to "disappear". They are still here though but not accessible. It can feel weird and empty at times. It eases up with therapy, which helps having more consistent relationships through the sharing of the emotions.

Crawly wrote:A lot of the time, I dont dissociate when I am these characters. I'm aware that I am them, I just cant really stop it.

Dissociation does NOT mean "to stop being aware of myself". It is a possible symptom but not automatic.

Crawly wrote:And it seems like certain memories are attached to those personalities specifically, like I'll forget the things they know until they take over.

This is "dissociative amnesia" FYI

Crawly wrote:There are times, though, that I do dissociate and it causes a different personality to come out. I dissociate when I'm very stressed

Maybe you are thinking about depersonnalization and/or derealization, here.

Crawly wrote:I have two personalities that come out that are pretty dark. One feels like a demon and doesnt care about anything or anyone. Another is more animalistic and crawls around.

Welcome to the weird and "fun" world of non-human identities! They express their painful emotions, thoughts, etc. through their shape and identity. As an example, "not caring" as a way of protecting themself (and you!) from the pain of feeling the stress of "caring too much". But since "not caring" is seen as "bad" in the eyes of society, they take the shape of something "bad" such as a demon.

There are specific exercises to build trust with difficult alters/parts and to help animalistic alters to be able to word their emotions, as well as ways to comfort them, make them suffer less... which makes them less angry, less painful to be around... It does not take their "spice" out but it helps them manage said "spice" to avoide overdoing it in a painful way.

Example of ressource: https://troublesdissociatifs-wordpress- ... r_pto=wapp

Crawly wrote:I also when I dissociate have visions of goo creatures. Im not sure if these are personalities but they come before I dissociate. One time I saw in my mind that a black hand of goo came out my spine and wrapped around my head as if it was taking me over. I sometimes imagine me growing spikes and transforming into a werewolf or alien or goo monster.

Symbolisms are very important in dissociative disorders. They can symbolize everything and anything: memories too painful to remember objectively, emotions that are super painful or uncomfortable, fragments without fully formed identities...

My brain used similar "black goo monster" imageries at some point to symbolize pain, trauma, despair, depression... It almost brings back nostalgia to me now.

Crawly wrote:Oh and my therapist refers to my other selves as "dissociative identities" but shes not able to give me an official diagnosis.

It's sometimes difficult to give a specific diagnosis for many reasons:
- how the symptoms evolve through time (things get better with therapy and one person could be DID one year and OSDD next year and c-PTSD the other next year and poof no dissociation whatsoever only functional multiplicity when the therapy is finished)
- how well th patient can remember the symptoms and report them to the diagnosing therapist (dissociative amnesia can make one unaware of some symptoms for a long time)
- what diagnosis manual is used to label the patient's state (there are some overlaps in categories between the DSM and the CIM and also, from one edition to the other)

Also some therapists don't bother with a very specific diagnosis as long as they pinpoint the treatment that will help the patient and can fill in enough paperwork to help the patient get the help and support they need. The galaxy of dissociative disorders and trauma disorders follow the same rough treatment plan. The adaptation of the treatment plan to the patient changes more from patient to patient than from diagnosis category to diagnosis category.

So, what you describe is consistent with a dissociative disorder. Which flavour is the best match I have no clue, but what treatment plan to follow, well... You have tons of self-help books in the ressources list, names of therapies to try to see which one your brain prefers (this can change over time too!) as well as exercises sheets to practice at home and with a therapist. It always works better with the help of a therapist trained in the treatment of trauma and dissociation. But well, I also know that it costs money and in some countries, trained therapists are rarer than naturally occuring pink pigeons.

Welcome to the forums!

Oh, thank you.

Those books and that website sounds helpful, I'll look into them.

I didnt realize taking on fictional characters was a known thing. That's good to know. It feels to me like the fictional characters I become have what I need so I pull them inside so they are with me and can help me.

When I switch personalities it does feel like some doors are opened and others closed. I feel like some doors become locked and only that specific personality has the key. I can feel it's in me but cant access it unless I'm that self.

That's good to know about dissociation, that you can still be aware when you are going through it. sometimes I get really foggy headed and my memory gets terrible because it's so hard to think and be present. I feel like I am in a dream or under water. It gets hard to feel my body and I feel trapped. I tend to have bad personalities come out when this happens, like the demons ones. Most of the time when I am other personalities it doesnt come with that, I have more awareness.the bad ones dont just not care though, they have dark thoughts about

**trigger**

harm.


***

I'll look into talking to them. It seems hard to me because they go away when I'm fully present and capable of doing something like reasoning with them. Can they know what I say even if they're not out when I say it?

Thank you for the information and the links and help.