Taking over life

Mila and I combined forces with visualisation exercises yesterday to create a scenario for the insiders. We sent a (virtual) helicopter with a shipping crate full of stuff for the farm inc a new tractor for Baz (Maya told him it was his birthday) they had a little party much to the delight of the littles who got a child’s little electric vehicle each (jeep and a quad bike).

They will be happily busy for ages now discovering what’s in crate and putting up swings, climbing frames etc together for the littles and having fun with the new farm equipment.

Ellie’s staying in to help them for a bit (Baz thinks Ellie is Maya’s sister) as we have no external appointments.

In the outside world we’re having heatwaves out here which is wiping us out so not getting much done. The temps are too high for us with our health difficulties and the local hospitals are bursting at the seams from people giving themselves heatstrokes baking in the sun all day. There’s a new Covid strain and another bug going round which is leaving some people quite ill too.

I’m really glad we don’t live in a city! Our nearest city is not as nice a place to visit as it used to be since the pandemic with closed down shops. Lots of drug users and knife crime about. The news is depressing about a buses been set on fire and police cars turned over. We don’t watch the news much but feel it’s good to know what’s going on so we know where/want to avoid! ..and what we might need to prepare for.

Ezri

We’ve been trying to organise ‘ourselves’ from the inside-out…since becoming ‘the new host’

Ellie is back out front today and so is Mila. they both say the insiders on the farm went to bed happy and looking forwards to unpacking the rest of the shipping crate. (Ellie and Mila had stayed to help them with construction of the big stuff …climbing frames, swings, slides, wardrobes and large indoors furniture etc).

The ‘sleeping alter’ has been moved into a ‘life support sleep pod’ in the cabin in the woods so the littles on the farm can’t disturb them before they are ready to emerge.

We now think they have stayed dormant because maybe they received more damage from that last episode and are as yet unable to function as individual alters or something? They (or ‘their fragments’ if more than one inside) will remain ‘in stasis’ until they have healed/can separate or can give us some kind of indication of whether they wish to remain ‘sleeping’ or fully integrate with another etc. They are currently unresponsive to external communication so we must respect their need to sleep for their parts to have a chance to recover (kind of like a human body been put in an induced coma to recover from an illness/injury)

Next we need to work on sorting the ‘outside world’ as it’s so disorganised so we’re trying to put together a plan for a serious sort and tidy of each room with us 3 all practising more working together to appear as 1 host (as the outside world see’s the body/legal name)…although none of us have a desire to integrate so much that we no longer have the ability to communicate with each others as individuals too…though clearly some integration or fusion has occurred as we feel they are less of us now than they previously was.

We feel we may manage to function at some level of ‘partial-integration’ whilst still been able to enjoy each others company, provide temp cover for each other and be able to visit the inside for a break as and when needed.

Ezri

Mila has apologised for not thinking to save nicknames that past alters liked to use as she saw us all part of the same (she understood the outside world only saw us as one person and only called us by one name and the last time ‘this-me’ was out we did not have any awareness of ‘others’ or DID nor were we in any kind of support group for it) so did not understand the importance of them having their own names on a forum.

She has at least been able to tell us how many human alter parts there were and she knows how many ‘core fragments’ are within ‘Ezri-me’ and says the fragments have shifted and re-organised themselves. Different memories are coming to the front and I feel like a different ‘me’ to the one that first emerged.

We have also been able to work out roughly which parts maybe left within the sleeping pod. ..so we now know it’s definitely more than just one fragment in there, but don’t know whether they’d be able to split and fully function as individual fragments again. They may just be integrating/fusing to become one new alter? Maybe the plan is for them to remain in there until the fusion of those parts are complete? (so they remain untriggered by the outside world and don’t re-split again)

Ezri is not a fan of housework they don’t see the point in wasting energy doing it when no-one visits or see’s the inside so progress has been slow on the sorting front.

However we need to speed up drastically after a letter arrived from our housing to say they are coming to do a housing check next week. They check all electrical stuff…plugs, fire alarms, fuse boxes etc they have to have instant access to them all without their staff having to move anything. They turn up anytime but on a given day and you have to be available to let them in or the next letter is an eviction warning for failing to obey the law. It’s stressful having to deal with them.

We have a weeks notice so will now have to spend everyday this week doing as much as we can manage in each room to make sure they can at least access every plug and the fuse box so hopefully they can get straight on and out again in shortest time possible!

So …best get started before it gets too hot (having heatwaves here and it makes damaged leg swell and painful once temps go up into the 20’sC) so have to spend a lot of day laid down with leg raised as it got vein damage from a past blood clot.

I think Maya is responsible for the re-organising of the system and how much memory I have access to .

Mila told me she (Maya) does not like the siblings new partner she feels she is cutting him off from everyone as she prefers it when she has his undivided attention and now lives and works with him,

Even when he came to cut my grass she comes with him.we get no individual time with him and given our ‘system reset’ happened after she ‘ruined our birthday’ (as Maya saw it) it’s possible she had something to do with it.

Just before they were due Mila had looked inside and saw there was a note on the farmhouse door ‘gone camping’…so she had taken the littles and Baz deeper inside out of the way.

Mila thinks we will find the fragments that are in the sleep pod were ones depressed/feeling unloved or unable to cope with the thought of us being stuck with this person taking our own only remaining sibling away from us. …and the integrated ones within ‘Ezri-me’ will be all the tough core ‘lone wolf’ survivalist types to give us the ability to look after ourselves and not feel any need of validation from others.

I think ‘Ellie’ being separate and blending with us on specific occasions is to ‘take the edge off’ where that mindset would not be appropriate and make us appear more of your average middle aged disabled woman. (Eg when the housing officer comes or talking with neighbours, any other correspondence with NT’s needed) otherwise it’s always me out front with Mila for company mostly.

We feel sure Maya has done this out of love for us and our system. Siblings’ relationships don’t tend to last long (around 2 years on average as he’s possibly also Aspie) I guess she’s hoping it will eventually naturally fizzle out and then we may find the others may reappear out of the sleep pod. ..in the meantime everyone is safe and the host most able to survive alone is the one up front. . (‘alone’ in the sense of no or very little external support from other human beings in daily outside life) ..of course Mila is absolutely devoted to me and Ellie is also a great help and companion. I’m not sure whether she’s a ‘past version of me’ or a split off Maya or maybe she’s a blend of both?

I think it’s been carefully worked out that us three though have what we need to ‘hold the fort’ whilst Maya takes care of the others inside until a time/opportunity comes that we can improve our life.

How long that may take I have absolutely no idea!! …what with state of healthcare, threat of removal /reduction of essential disability benefits, long waiting lists for simple help (eg social services 2-3yr long wait to even get appointment to see if they consider you in need of a social worker) and frickin’ Elon Musk trying to encourage the far right to incite civil war in our country!

Anyway best get on…not finished with clearing access to all the plugs yet!

Ezri

Well the electrical appointment went ok, it was exhausting as he was several hours late and just the anxiety from all the waiting for an appointment we couldn’t avoid but we did actually learn a lot as we decided before he came, to set up the pet monitor camera to see ourselves switching later when we watched it back.

When Ellie and myself (Ezri) are blended to the point of being focused on acting ‘as one’ our body language, speech, demeanour etc is completely different!

We’ve discovered Mila entirely leaves the mix when we have to ‘perform for other humans’ (as she see’s it) and takes with her our ability to communicate with each other (temporarily) or see each other as seperate during the time the other person is present in our space.

As soon as he (the workman) had left the house and the door closed (and locked) our entire body language changes again as Mila rejoins the front.

Sometimes there is discussion from Ellie (outloud) eg if we hadn’t had chance to eat yet she may just announce ‘let’s get something to eat out of the way’ and we head to the kitchen to find something. ..otherwise it maybe ..’you two ok if I go take a break now’. …Ellie leaves the front Mila slides in.

I (Ezri-me) also feel physically stronger when Mila comes to co-host with me than when it’s ‘just me’. ..it maybe because she believes herself spiritually to be ‘animal’ rather than ‘human’. ..if she tries to take control she has the strength but not as good co-ordination as when we have joint control. She struggles with balance going from 4 legs to 2 (she says).

These beliefs although we realise they sound odd to most …seems to actually be highly distracting for the FND brain ..so much so that we can move better when at least 2 of us work together at the front. ..even better with 3 of us at the front.. (physio is more successful with 3 of us doing it but for just moving from room to room, playing video games etc … 2 up front is enough).

I feel I understand the connection between the DID and FND better after watching the filming back.

Well..it has been an exhausting week but I feel we learned a lot from it.

Physically from all the things we had to do tidying round etc and working together to combine abilities to get the stuff done in time. We have learned we three can now blend seamlessly with no dissociation or memory lapses between blending/unbending. We three (Ezri, Ellie, Mila) are fully co-conscious with each other and can co-host or swap places in the driving seat in seconds with no memory lags.

We don’t have this yet with inside ‘I’ (Ezri) see the inside through Mila or Ellie going back in to visit then coming back out and sharing that information/memory with me.

For example I had no idea where Maya, Baz and the littles were or what they had been doing inside last week while we were busy out here until Mila went in one night to visit them to ask Maya for some information.

Maya is currently the only ‘insider’ with knowledge that the outside world exists. However she has chosen to stay inside and take the role as the Internal Caretaker for those too young or damaged to look after themselves or to be able to understand that concept.

The ones that were able we have been told have integrated and are either within me or Ellie giving us enough autobiographical memory of ‘the life’ to be able to function as ‘the legal host’ when we blend for external events.

As there are memory issues…Mila has a copy of our memories too so like even if Ellie had gone inside and someone messaged us carrying on a conversation they had previously had with Ellie, I can now access that and answer as host without us having to switch. Ellie can still continue the conversation the next time she is up front.

Maya has said this is to ‘by-pass’ the memory issues between hosts. Also seeing ‘the life’ as chapters of the same bodies life rather than ..’this part was Alter A’s life, that part was Alter B’s life’ ..seeing myself as ‘like Ezri’ (Like Ezri Dax in ST:DS9 a joined Trill who carries pasts hosts life memories) was also part of the plan.

The younger/damaged ones remaining behind inside was also part of the plan apparently so the one’s selected to make up the external hosts could work more efficiently. We each compensate for each other and skills activate specific areas of the brain to keep it working.

Maya says we had to be separate to bypass damage between areas…. Each of us represent ‘a cluster of fragments’ able to be blended but damage between areas prevent us fusing completely. this was apparently the best ‘work-around’ our brain/system could come up with.

It does make planning for the future difficult as we never know how severe the next episode/attack may be and how much we will remember or lose of who we are and what we can do. But we are working together to research FND to see what therapies are out there, what stuff works (like distraction) and hoping we can at least remain independent enough (to take care of him and us) for the remainder of our current dogs lifetime.

There are many similarities between you guys and a previous poster with the username TheTriForce (and they had a different username before that which I don't remember right now). They left the forum shortly before you started posting on here.

If that was you before the "system reset," then there could be a lot of useful information for you from their past posts. If not, then it's just interesting how different systems can have very similar issues.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:There are many similarities between you guys and a previous poster with the username TheTriForce (and they had a different username before that which I don't remember right now). They left the forum shortly before you started posting on here.

If that was you before the "system reset," then there could be a lot of useful information for you from their past posts. If not, then it's just interesting how different systems can have very similar issues.

Interesting…found the last post ..I don’t think Lily or Lena is a name I’d choose for myself but I guess that could be Maya or Ellie!

Mila could be either Jess, Jody or Phoenix I guess….she’s gone to find Maya to demand more answers from her. She seems to know more but seems to be ‘trickle-feeding’ us bits here and there. Maya is also quite spiritual and into all that kind of stuff.


Will read some more of their posts later. Have family turning up soon to do garden.

Thanks

Ezri

Ellie typing…..

Last night Maya came to the front when we were just about to sit down and read these posts by Tri-Force and asked us NOT to! Ezri wanted to know why ..Maya said she couldn’t explain…. Ezri said ‘not good enough’ and was going to carry on reading.

Maya then took over the front and disconnected the internet we were blocked all night then but I did finally get back to the front this morning. Maya had typed a note that she had asked me to read if she let me back to the front before I made a decision about reading those other posts..so I agreed…well someone had to front and I guess she knows Ezri is more stubborn and would return straight to read them to see why she didn’t want us to!

It was long so I won’t copy it all, but basically Maya confirmed that I was ‘the lost host’ who had disappeared 8 years ago after hosting for over 15 consecutive years. ‘This-me’ was the last host to see myself as one person and the body as mine living with no knowledge of DID or that ‘others’ existed inside me.

Maya admitted to taking advantage of the situation after the medical episode (knowing whoever was front would be initially a bit disorientated and take a while to recover memory) to put me back at the front to lead us into the next chapter of life having been the most stable host the last time I was the external host.

Technically Ezri is my ‘shadow self’ but back then we did not have the ability to talk to each other and because life was much more full I was out daily to deal with life. For some reason when I was pushed forwards this time…I split …and because life is much less social and no work this time around etc. my shadow self spends more time out than ‘social-me’ does. …so technically neither of us are any of the alters mentioned in the last post by the Tri-force (the only one we got chance to read)

However ….Maya did admit that the Tri-Force were ‘the other team’ who took over life after ‘my breakdown’ - which had been triggered by multiple life events descending on me at once. ‘This-me’ is the one Kit apparently used to refer to as….’Maddie’…that is all I know as I haven’t read any of the journal that is all Maya put in her note and asked we didn’t read their journals just yet.

So I guess I have a lot to think about….. not sure when Ezri will re-emerge! …. or if Maya has her blocked until she agrees NOT to read it until she has first listened to Maya’s explanation of why she doesn’t want her to just yet!


Ellie