Taking over life

TheTriForce was the name you guys posted under for the last couple of years. Before that, until 2022, the username you had was KitMcDaydream. (I looked back a bit in the forum and it wasn't hard to find.) Maybe that additional information will be useful for trying to put everything together.

You also talked about a stroke you had a few years ago that made you forget about the forum at all, so you were gone from it for a period of time. (This all happened after Nov 2017, which was when we joined the forum.)

TheGangsAllHere wrote:TheTriForce was the name you guys posted under for the last couple of years. Before that, until 2022, the username you had was KitMcDaydream. (I looked back a bit in the forum and it wasn't hard to find.) Maybe that additional information will be useful for trying to put everything together.

You also talked about a stroke you had a few years ago that made you forget about the forum at all, so you were gone from it for a period of time. (This all happened after Nov 2017, which was when we joined the forum.)

When I clicked on the names The TriForce and KitMcDaydream it just says “The requested user does not exist” without knowing that we were previously called that I couldn’t have possibly known reading their posts over anyone elses’s on this board would lead me to knowing they were describing ‘us’ especially given the only info I originally had was that I had last been out 8 years ago (2016).

I was also under the impression our ‘other team’ had been called ‘The Outer Wilds’ and couldn’t see any posts by anyone with that name!

Maya confirms the body did suffer a stroke due to a blood clot in the leg ..again different host ..Maya said it was one of the teen hosts who found themselves locked up front that time. I’m the same age as the body and I have no memory of that happening.she also said some of the last team are still in the sleep pod and have not yet been awakened since this last incident (which was an FND attack/episode not a full blown stroke) when I found myself up front. We were left with mild weakness down one side from that stroke .


She says she blocked information because she wanted us to focus on seeing all recovered memories as ours (mine and Ezri’s) in the hope we’d also re-integrate. I asked if she was from the other team or had really been in the shadowlands for 8 years as she initially said, she admitted to being ‘Lena’ and that it was her who left this group to lead us on a more spiritual journey.


I did not know this however when I first found myself up front and myself Ezri and Mila had been at the front a while before Maya found her way to the front again by which time we had rejoined here. As we stated since joining we were aware of some missing, some in a sleep pod and some with memory issues who could not tell us who they were.

Maya (Lena) felt it better we recovered our memories naturally so we were not influenced by what we read so we could gradually work out who was who. It was obvious who the littles were and we only had one adult male in the system but many others are quite close in age, likes, appearance etc as ‘past versions of host’

We can only guess who maybe integrated by memories from specific years that myself and Ezri have and then guess who is left within fragments still sleeping…unless they wake up and are able to tell us who they are, which they have not been able to do yet.

Ezri is absolutely fuming that Maya did not tell us all this from the start or as soon as she remembered she was ‘Lena’ and realising we had found our way back to the board she had un-joined us from just a short time before!

We can only apologise as Ezri, Mila and I genuinely did not have access to that information on re-joining here . I think we will probably go off-line all together for a bit (except for getting food in for us) as we have no idea if she has done the same in other groups. We are not happy with her either right now!


Ellie

I don't think you have anything to apologize for! I wasn't being accusatory or judgmental. I just thought the information might be helpful to you in trying to understand the different changes that your system has had over the past few years.

You've been an active poster under these various names, so if you look back at previous forum pages, you can easily find posts made under the other two names, if you want to read them.

It was clear that you didn't have access to that previous information, so that's why I thought it might be helpful to you. Sorry if we caused any problems.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I don't think you have anything to apologize for! I wasn't being accusatory or judgmental. I just thought the information might be helpful to you in trying to understand the different changes that your system has had over the past few years.

You've been an active poster under these various names, so if you look back at previous forum pages, you can easily find posts made under the other two names, if you want to read them.

It was clear that you didn't have access to that previous information, so that's why I thought it might be helpful to you. Sorry if we caused any problems.

Don't worry about it we have already bypassed the issue. Mila came to the rescue.

ok so a little more explanation as we are changing our host name.

After Ezri was trapped inside and rowing with Lena until early hours of the morning I Mila managed to send Ellie back in as a distraction and Ezri managed to slip back out to the front where I (Mila) immediately integrated her (to prevent Maya being able to force her back in..(she has no control over changelings..we are physically stronger especially in control of the body) ,,in normal circumstances we are not allowed to use this against other human hosts but she would not be reasonable! ...and Ezri contains 'core host' parts she is needed up front and as her personal guardian its my job! ...I tried being patient and waiting for them to settle it via discussion (or arguing) ...we were getting nowhere!

Ezri assured me I did the right thing and working entirely on a hunch that we individually contained the fragments needed to remember almost everything ....(as we didn't have time to read and digest 50+ pages of the online journals overnight) we performed a proper full blending to fully reawaken the memory of the 'core personality'.

I (Mila) now carry the memories Ezri had ... it comes at great cost as Ezri no longer exists as a seperate alter and it means i am locked into the front as the human host. I can now access the memories Maya didn't want us to know about of the previous hosts/fronting teams that existed.

Before going through with this blending Ezri told me to use the name Mila as our host name, as doing this would mean I would lose the ability to take the animal form she most treasured and saw as 'Mila'...so it is in her memory I take this host name.

Ezri was a name made up on the spot anyway as they were unable to use the real legal name on here, we had no emotional attachment to it. Our personalities though are forever entwined and will probably still come through in our...my.. typing.

The changelings inside will be helping Ellie remove the 'fragment of Maya' that was within her (almost like a tracking chip) and enabled Maya to know what was going on at the front and 'use Ellie' to get information. ..when that is removed...Ellie will be able to return to front to help out if she wishes. ...she may find she realises 'who she is' once the fragment blocking that information is removed! ..and may want to change her name back too! ..I suspect she also contains more parts than just the memories of 'Maddie'...we believe she will contain all the 'social host' memories from stuff like college/work life of the past...whereas I carry the 'core personality', the memories of the 'secret alters' who lived inside and the inner world.

We can not really punish Maya for all this disruption without also punishing more ..those that depend on her and wouldn't understand. The littles need Maya and see her as their mother (she has apparently chosen to keep the name Maya so as not to confuse Baz & the littles)..Baz would also not understand....so they will remain inside as a family forever.


Mila

[Ellie…for now] I feel really bad about what has happened. It has made me feel really lost & confused about who I am.

I know I have a lot of Maddie memories, I have several other's too, (all seem to be related to social skills for situations to help the host) ..but don’t like the idea of using \their names’ …but I’m not sure Ellie fits me either.

I feel bad that (changeling)) Mila has given up her favourite form in order to add strength to the front and save [part previously called Ezri] from Maya as I had allowed Maya to blend with me the very first time I’d visited them on the farm to help and she’d left a fragment of her blended with me as some kind of tracking device.

We now believe Maya is a ‘human version of host’ alter that has developed into what ‘SHE THINKS’ is what we would have become if our mum had been with us to support us through adult life ..we may have achieved a more NT life and had a partner and kids with her support. (Sadly she had passed from cancer before we had reached that stage). Strangely all my social skill memories are from after this date, none are from the host before that happened.

I’m not sure if I was them and just can’t remember or I just carry their memories to help us in the present day when social skills are needed.

We’ve discovered Maya won’t challenge Mila because she knows Mila is carrying fragments of ‘Kit’ , they are not enough though to ‘resurrect her’ so to speak. The ‘ignition spark’ piece is missing. I wonder if her other fragments are in the sleep pod and got somehow mixed up with whatever parts are left in there? Kit has been weakened since that last stroke and never managed to get back to being full time host. It seems the younger ones took over and the system has been in chaos ever since!


We feel unsure as to what our next move should be? …we want Mila to be separate again as our guardian but it seems even with Ezri’s fragment donated …’Kit’ is still not strong enough to stand alone if Mila separated from her.. I feel she is the key to saving our system, as she has done several times in the past!

We think we have worked out what happened…I think the system was trying to do a reshuffle or integration, or possibly reduce the system down to 3 main alters possibly given the name ?? (TRI-force) and the FND episode interrupted it so the process did not complete!

I think ‘Ellie’ primarily only had Maddie’s memories initially which was why we had this strong feeling of re-emerging after 8 years. ..finding more about the others has re-triggered memories of others blended within her though and so she is getting lots of flashbacks from parts of life she had never actually experienced originally. She is finding this very overwhelming and is struggling to function up front so she’s returned inside.

She did however first blend with us so we could see if she contained any core parts that could be transferred to us.some parts of Ezri and other fragments Mila (the changeling) was originally carrying within also swapped places (this seems to be automatic/unconscious thing on their part like metal filings automatically attracted to a magnet) and they have now returned inside with ‘Ellie’.


The changeling we had originally called Mila on here has now been able to separate from me and has taken back their original name and form, however as we will do partial-blends for companionship sometimes (as we seem to share an intense bond but enjoy being able to feel and communicate with each other as separate beings) and because I just really like the name Mila now I’ve got used to seeing it! … I’ve decided to keep this host name at least for on here for ‘this-me’.

Ellie-part has returned to the sleep pod to reintegrate with other fragments there so we can see if any decide to join her or transfer to the dormant virtual inner body sleeping there.

She may return back to the front with a stronger feeling of who she is or wants to be??? ..or decide to stay inside ..I don’t know Maybe a new ‘social mask’ for external appointments will come out of it?? I’m not sure how long this will take though.

Maya has been told to take the littles and Baz on a virtual holiday (in the holodeck) whilst all this is happening within the internal communal area so they aren’t confused. Once things have re-stabilised they will return back ‘to the farm” believing they have just been ‘to the seaside’ and anyone ‘new’ who appears are simply farm hands who have been looking after the animals for them while they were away.

We think this way will be less traumatic for them as they won’t have awareness of being part of a system that was falling apart or memory of ‘missing alters’ etc. ..and gives us space to sort out the older parts and try to work out who is who! ..or who is left!



Mila.

A mass reorganising of fragments has occurred..I still feel I can relate to the name 'Mila' but it feels 'fuller' I feel like I contain more memories and a stronger feeling of 'self'.

I also find I know what caused the other split and why the others left and other places they'd moved to and felt more comfortable posting (about certain things).

I have a whole LOAD of reading to catch up on!

Hi Ellie here

We had family visit today so I found myself up front. I decided to keep the name Ellie, at least it can be one of my nicknames…. many people have more than one nickname I guess from different periods of their life!

I’m feeling a bit stronger after a break so I dealt with today to give Mila a break. I’ve been reading some of the last posts by previous hosts too…. we believe now that Bobby/Kit was within Ezri but Ezri also had’ Maddie memories’ stuck near the front as also had the same feelng of not been out for years when we first remerged. We’re not sure where Lily is though? Maybe she got split too and we both carry some of her fragments? or some are still inside?

We think the others integrating in a different order/format created new alters so we don’t feel exactly like any one specific past host in particular…we don’t have exactly the same memories and shared memories we do have are from a different persepctive, we have different skills but similar interests and a common goal now moving forwards.

Anyway Mila and I will share duty as co-hosts of the external life. There are still fragments inside but they are either NOT ‘full seperate identities’ or don’t have understanding that there is ‘an outside world’ so either way are not able to function at the front independently.

Ellie


Edited to addd: I updated our signature and we decided we liked the Avatar the others used. I don’t know how to change our system name back though…also what is wrong with this site!! Every time I have to reload a page or try to go onto next page I get ‘site not available’ message ..it’s taken over an hour to write this post and change signature/avatar cos of constantly having to try to get the page back! …sooooo frustrating!

I'm still out and about as this has turned out to be a busy week with having to sort out a prescription issue and we got a letter from a situation the last hosts must have been dealing with however this still hasn't triggered any of them back out!

We're going to have to be careful with money this winter as it seems our money has been cut to repay (the govt agency) because we have been overpaid in the past so we're literally on half when food and energy bills have been hiked, even our water bill has gone up.

Mila has a feeling we were expecting it but is struggling to get exact details. She seems to contain 'Kit memories and skills' but there is not an alter coming out saying (for example). 'Hey I'm Kit..we knew about this..you just need to do ...(xyz) etc'

It seems the system has split/reorganised us so that the one's who idendified as autistic and didn't want to be permenantly blended within parts that had been 'programmed to be neurotypical'..were integrated together to create one new host (Mila) and the parts that were programmed as 'the social masks' are all integrated within me (Ellie).

Jess is a changeling companion it seems she has been left seperate as a 'way around the FND issues' ..to be 'the distraction for the brain' when Mila and I need to do a temporary blend. She also contains memories of all past changelings and their forms and roles. As a 'comfort companion' she often takes the visual form that is most comforting for the host.

She especially enjoys blending with Mila to play video games but also helps us with physio as Jess + one of us gives us more physical strength than just me and Mila. We haven't worked out how or why that is yet..other than her not being a human form.


Ellie