Hello

"the inside" is not a constant world running in the background like an online MMORPG game. It's more of a background inside of which the alters/parts can see each-other and interact when the brain focuses "inside" for a check-up. It's very rare to find systems who always have one eye looking "inside". Memories from "what I did inside while I was not outside", when they exist, exist for different purposes: filling in the blank in the memory, having ways to remember how the different parts/alters interacted in the subconscious, building a stronger sense of self and identity...

It's pretty common to have no memory of what happened "inside" and instead, vague notions of what the others did "outside" during that time.

When an alter/part ends up "outside" its because the system-as-a-whole decided said alter/part was the best to handle a situation. The reason why the system-as-a-whole took this decision is not always obvious in the first glance. It's part of the "wisdom of the system", what the system does automatically to stay organized and functionnal to the best of its abilities. It takes a lot of introspection to understand the "inside logic" because it's specific to each system. But once you undertand how your system works, things get better.

So what are you saying? I’m not here ..’by accident’? Were GK and CT also ‘pre-chosen’ to be the ones helping?

It's not exactly to be "chosen" it's more that, at any given time, the part/alter who has the best abilities to manage a situation is the one who ends up managing the situation. Even though it makes little sense at first.

It's not a "chosen" per se, it's more like, magnets attract iron. So the part/alter the best able to manage a situation is the one "attracted out" by the situation.

Let's suppose (it's a hypothesis for the sake of example, you will know better than me) you are the best to handle, idk, free time or "normal life" or something. Now that the system-as-a-whole is more stable, the environment is quieter, you are "attracted out" because you are the one who can manage the "quiet and relaxed" situation. But since the last time the "quiet and relaxed" was long ago, you still need to catch on with what happened in the meantime. That's where GK and CT can help by teaching you what you still need to learn, and by sharing their memories of everything that happened.

Sometimes it's the opposite, there is an "opposite attractor thing" (repulsor?) outside and the one who is the less "pushed inside" by it ends up fronting by default. Sometimes the situation is "the system-as-a-whole needs a change of pace for a while". And all the shades in-between are possible too, of course.

This is of course an example for the sake of example, you will know better than me what "attracts you out". Sometimes it takes time to understand the "attractor" and it's okay, dissociation is a complicated thing to deal with.

ArbreMonde wrote:
This is of course an example for the sake of example, you will know better than me what "attracts you out". Sometimes it takes time to understand the "attractor" and it's okay, dissociation is a complicated thing to deal with.

Thank you for taking the time to explain. The reason I chose to quote the bit above is the irony is I haven’t a clue why I was ‘attracted out’ because as far as I am concerned, the last time `I was out I had no understanding of ‘headmates’ or being part of a system. I simply ‘found myself’ out front with 8 years of memory missing.

Looking back though it perhaps would have alarmed most ‘single people’ (sorry if that’s not the correct term..the word escapes me atm) to find they suddenly felt like there were others in their head talking to them! Instead it felt strangely comforting and I felt I kind of knew them even though I couldn’t ‘put a face to the voice’

This may sound really strange but I feel like I’ve been locked into a weird dream where I was just a dark shadow shape, nothing left in me ….in a cold stone cell and the only comfort that I wasn’t completely alone was hearing some voices in the distance and occasionally feeling the presence of another soul (some kind of friendly ‘Casper-style’ ghost) who had managed to slip in and ‘cuddle me from within’ and secretly pass on memories so I wouldn’t be completely confused if they ever worked out how to free me!

That's a nice depiction of what it feels like.

We all react differently to becoming aware of having dissociative disorders. Sometimes we panic, sometimes we are releived to know we are not alone, sometimes it's all of this together. Sometimes we become aware, it's too stressful, we forget, aware part 2, forget part 2, etc. untill things finally "clic" properly and we are aware for good and start working on building the communication and trust and share abilities and ressources and memories.

It's a rollercoaster but it's worth it.