Discovering alters…and who am I?fiv

I’ve had a very strange DID Journey, I first suspected it 4 years ago- and things have been pretty rough and wild since then.
I know this is probably unrelateable but my life has always been constantly changing, which sucks as someone who craves consistency. My system has been the same. I’ve gone from thinking I have 100 alters to five subsystems to 8 alters to thinking I’m an amalgamation of parts and concepts…

For the past six months I haven’t felt I’ve strongly been anything. I did go through something extremely traumatic, which is probably related…but I went from feeling like I’m too much to no-much.

Whenever I see advice on discovering your alters, everyone just says ‘communicate’. I don’t really get it, and whenever I’ve tried (and Ive tried a lot) it doesn’t ’work’.

I feel lost…Empty….Confused. I want to know who I am. Who ‘we’ are. What ‘alters’ are.

Does anyone know how to help?

Hello and welcome to the forums! You'll find ressources about DID and DID therapy in the link in my signature.

Craving consistency and dwelling in the midst of chaos can cause dissociation.

The constant evolution and re-shuffling of the dissociated parts is also a normal evolution of dissociative disorders: the system as a whole has a sort of inner wisdom which means it is in constant re-shuffling to adapt to the present situation. Confusing as heck but normal. It gets more stable with therapy.

Here are a few ressources (automatic translation french -> english) about communication and the basics of therapy. Do not hesitate to go for the books "Healing the fragmented selves..." and "Coping with trauma related..." from the DID ressources list, they are good help too.

Communication (series in progress)
Cooperation
Integration

Hope it helps!

I realize that I posted the wrong translation on the links. Oopsie! Here are the corrected links!

Communication

Cooperation

Integration

Starsystem wrote:
I’ve had a very strange DID Journey, I first suspected it 4 years ago- and things have been pretty rough and wild since then.
I know this is probably unrelateable but my life has always been constantly changing, which sucks as someone who craves consistency. My system has been the same. I’ve gone from thinking I have 100 alters to five subsystems to 8 alters to thinking I’m an amalgamation of parts and concepts…

I feel lost…Empty….Confused. I want to know who I am. Who ‘we’ are. What ‘alters’ are.

Does anyone know how to help?

I seem to be at the same stage. I feel nothing is the same as when I feel I was last out. The one I thought was the Past Host it seems wasn’t and several others have been Host since I was last out. It seems they did not use the same names either as a team or individually.

I try to go on sites I last remembered going on and it seems we haven’t been on for years under that account name. The email address I last used has since closed so had to create a new one as I didn’t know what they currently are. We no longer have the same computer, in fact there’s no computer … that I would have described as computer in the house!

It seems only some of us are connected to each other also kind of in subsystems. I’ve no idea if the ones that disappeared recently knew of us or not now as the one I was thinking was Host actually hadn’t been for now many years it seems! I guess it’s possible they thought they were ‘the system’?

I seem to have spent much of the past days wandering round the house bewildered trying to piece together what could have happened for an entire fronting team to disappear!

It’s a very confusing and disorienting condition to live with! I feel very disconnected and have to keep checking what time and day it is to work out how long I’ve been here! I feel like I don’t know anyone and daren’t go to any face to face appointments cos I’ve no idea who they’re expecting..especially as the past host was not who I was thinking it was!

Think I need to put a plan together incase the others don’t return anytime soon!