Can anyone help us understand what this means?

Trigger warning: Nighttime abuse? (I'm not sure of what the specific warning should be, nothing explicit is mentioned-- I just know it is a very heavy topic and could be triggering)

Hello,

If it's okay, I would like to paste here something that one of us wrote last night (I don't know who, as we have very little in-system awareness or communication at this time).

Here it is:

There are those of us who live in the night and those who live in the day, and they must stay separate.

The night cannot be allowed into the day. The dark will take you if you let it.

We are not the same person at night. In the day, we do not remember the night. At night, the day is only a dream. It is not real.

We do not know why we are this way. Some of us must. But we cannot say, they cannot say, because the night MUST NOT be let into the day.

We do not like the things being implied in the day, about what those of us in the night must know. We do not like the things that may be uncovered that are never meant to be uncovered.

If they are uncovered, we know what will be done to us. We know we cannot live if the night is let into the day.

~~~

We have struggled with nighttime/bedtime our entire life. Recently, something re-triggered the worst of our trauma symptoms regarding nighttime, and things have gotten out of hand. Somatic symptoms to a degree we have never felt before and do not understand have set in (being unable to breathe, feeling sick/dizzy/nauseous out of nowhere if we close our eyes, strange pain and even going unconscious/falling to the floor).

We cannot sleep at night. I'm not "from the night" (whatever that means, I really can't say), so I can't fully explain it... But I know that at night there is nothing but terror, SI, thoughts of SH, shame, guilt, desperation, unbearable pain, and begging/pleading for the sun to rise.

We don't understand any of this, it's nothing like we've seen described anywhere else. We have only been diagnosed with DID for a year, but we have tried to learn as much as we can... But nothing seems to account for the complete and total separation between those of us who "live in the night" and those who "live in the day". We have extreme amounts of amnesia/dissociative barriers separating those two.... Domains(?) and often cannot remember what was said or done the night before. However, we'll often wake up and know that it was bad, that we reached out to someone (externally) or were otherwise somehow witnessed in that state... And we feel like we cannot face that person ever again, because they have seen too much. And, to be fair, once anyone sees that side of us they usually never try to reach back out again anyway.

We know that building co-con/internal communication is the general advice that applies to almost any situation... But we can't do that right now. We are objectively/externally not in a safe place, and if we try to loosen the barriers/communicate with each other/be more aware of each other right now, we will lose 100% of any possible functioning. I don't know if that makes much sense to anyone else here, but please believe me when I say: we have tried, and the results are disastrous. We are still in survival mode. We still NEED the DID for the same original purpose it was formed (we are dependent on people for housing/basic needs, as we are disabled and have not gotten SSDI yet-- we were previously homeless before coming to live where we do now).

Is there anything we can do to make nights go any better at all? We cannot even take our sleeping medications now, because of trauma surrounding that (people knowing we took sleeping meds and taking advantage of our drugged state). We just want to be able to function enough to come up with a plan to escape and then execute it-- but we do not understand what this "day vs. night" thing is about at all, or how to handle it.

Any insight at all would be appreciated. Thank you.

Hi, welcome to the board.

I guess obviously something has happened at night in the past that your 'night alters' are trying to protect your 'day alters' from so they can function when around other people?

Or it could be more symbolic??...they're not afraid of the night/dark as such but afraid to be seen by the outside world? For example ..that has been the case for us, we have had some for years who would only come out when alone in our bedroom and the door had to be shut/locked (or no-one else in the house) and the curtains closed. For many years our external hosts had no awareness of their existence or why they 'lost time' sometimes.

The 'secret ones'. ..would prefer the autumn months when it got darker later and earlier and prefer remote/isolated places to snatch a few moments out in the sun ..usually out on dog walks..we've almost always had a dog (or walked other peoples for 'pocket money') for that reason.

Are you in a 'group living situation' like an hostel? ...maybe they just don't feel safe and probably didn't feel safe at all if you lived on the streets on the past?

For now I would respect the fact they are trying to protect you from something because you maybe aren't in a good place to have to deal with it. Are you in a position you could get yourself in a better location in the future? eg moving to a flat of your own? ..you mention being disabled ... could you find someone (social worker? citizens advice place?) to help you get the disability benefits or into adapted housing (if needed).

Maybe write down what you are trying to do in like a journal so when they do come switch at night they can read it and see you are trying to work out ways to get you all to a safer place...they might start to write down ideas themselves for you to read when you find yourself up front again, then you have the beginnings of two way communication.

Tell them (in writing) you don't want to know about the trauma right now, you just want to focus on trying to get you all to a place you will feel much safer, then maybe they will start to write back? jot down ideas you hadn't thought of?

Ours started with one coming out more after we got moved to somewhere more rural (at the time was only wheelchair accessible property available) not to share 'bad memories' with the front host, just to get a bit of time out in the world..on the games console, a walk with the dog when they could set out in the dark and get to fav places for first light and watch the sun come up..the relationships built up from there and more and more started to surface. The body was in its 40's before we learned of DID though as had previously been dx with autism and thought that was the reason we were 'like we were'.

Hope this helps some.


Lily.

It really reminds me of one of the cases described in the book "The haunted self" to illustrate one possible dissociative structure.

Here are a few possible explanations:

- Daytime is "public time" and "have to look normal" time, only leaving Nightime as "allowed to feel the pain" time. Night becomes the "private time" when the dissociated parts containing the hurt are allowed to exist and express the hurt. But in the same time, nobody likes feeling the hurt and the flashbacks...

- Night time might be a time-relevant trigger. If abuse happened often at night, then the brain switches between two modes: day is safe and night is trauma. Even when trauma time is over, the brain keeps on working like that and goes through flashbacks during night time.


Remember, you do not need to have been through awfully violent times in order to be traumatized. The fear of abandonment, phobia of the dark, sensory overload from the day... can, when repeated enough at a young enough age, cause DID to happen because they cause very strong painful emotions to the brain of a child.

I really enjoy how Janina Fisher's book "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" explains how compassion for the hurt parts/alters can help bringing them healing and peace so the hurt progressively stops to be replaced by peace and safety and grounding into the here and now. You'll find the full references of this book in the ressources list, as well as other ressources of course.

I know it is confusing, but you are not alone. Little by little things will make sense.

Remember, building safety and healing starts in the here and now - only once it's built here and now can it echo into the past to heal the past. If you start by diving headfirst into the past you'll be hurt again. So, focus on being safe and healthy here and now while having lots of compassion for the past. It's a solid base to start healing.

Welcome to the forums!

i have enhanced senses at night in the woods... from 7 to 13 I was hunted by a molester..I would hide in the woods listening for footsteps.. i cant tell you what that was like.... I wasnt afraid.. of the woods... it became my sanctuary. I can hear animals walking, i can tell what it is.. its freaky