Where do alters go when not fronting?

I see Bobby has already posted on here and explained our inner world. I was inside alot and mostly sleeping I guess as I don't have many memories of having an inner life for all the years I was 'missing', until recently.

In my resting time I've been enjoying playing Coral Island and been checking out the new update on Stardew Valley. I know Yuna had a Beach farm on the Switch, but I downloaded a copy of game to the macbook as the updates not out on switch yet so I could start my own farm.

When I've been co-fronting with someone to do jobs around the house we aren't thinking about the inside but like when we sit down to watch TV if another alter comes up near front (whose been inside) they may share with us what they've been doing on the farm. Alot of us like quiz shows so several may suddenly become co-con at a specific time to watch a favourite show cos we like to see how many we know the answers to if we combine knowledge!

Bobby always wants to switch out completely if they're wanting time on consoles, so I just go take a break inside when Bobby wants the front.

Mostly though I'm finding myself out front for longer and longer periods of time with 1 or more insiders mainly 'tagging along' (ie co-con) to watch fav tv shows or come out on walks when I take our dog out.

Lily

This will vary per system and per alter even sometimes.

For us, we all go to like the inner world (which we only knew for soooo long). Our inner world is a rich vivid world, or was... it feels less "real" these days, the more "out" we get and connected to - for good and bad.

Zor, however, never does. We call where he goes "the between" cuz he's not OUT... but he's not "inside" either.


{\Pixie/}

Zor wrote:
For us, we all go to like the inner world (which we only knew for soooo long). Our inner world is a rich vivid world, or was... it feels less "real" these days, the more "out" we get and connected to - for good and bad.

{\Pixie/}

It's a shame people give up their rich inner worlds as it will be there when nothing or no-one else will..even if you're bedbound and can only stare at a ceiling or close your eyes and can't do much or became homeless and lost all physical items they can't take your inside world away from you!

Bobby tells me thats why she put me in stasis as I was the last that knew they existed (but thought they were imaginery friends at the time) after me was the first teen who was originally only created to deal with puberty, but life as a way of getting much more complex than you planned for and they got more forced to deny anything seen as not normal and be who the outside world expected them to be...and demands got more and more..until 'social mask hosts' had to be cut off from the inside world all together to protect it.

The problem with our social hosts is they're so dependant on the praise and approval of outside people that they can't function if we don't get it regularly. Our life has changed drastically we can no longer work and other than taking our dog to the field on mobility scooter can't get out to social events without help which we can't afford (to pay someone else's wages as our full time helper) so spend months alone at a time with our only contact been the occasional wave or hello from a neighbour or delivery person. We have communication issues too.

An (outside) person makes a comment they think nothing else about but our social hosts become devastated by it and can't function, they shut down, (in their minds they've completely failed to achieve NT if a NT has called them out on 'inappropriate behaviour') it triggers 'survival mode' and other insiders have to come out and take over.

If Bobby hadn't kept the inner world alive all those years (body is mid 50's now) I (Lily) wouldn't have been 'available' for them to bring out of stasis to help when needed

Lily

blacksheepgirl wrote:
a protector inside said she protects me if someone scares me. how is that possible if she is almost constantly alseep? :l

-- Sun Mar 31, 2024 5:57 am

They arnt asleep as in unconscious unable to react to stimuli. Its more like breathing, 90% of the time you don't think about breathing you just breath but then a bad smell comes along and you hold your breath and sudenly you are aware of your breathing. Most alters are not front for most of the time but they can always be aware resting in the subconscious, especially protectors. As soon as one of your senses pick up a trigger they become fully conscious and able to front. When an alter isn't needed for a long time they can choose to go into the unconscious then its like they are asleep not gone just not aware of the passage of time.

[Quote = 'triforce']

It's a shame people give up their rich inner worlds as it will be there when nothing or no-one else will..even if you're bedbound and can only stare at a ceiling or close your eyes and can't do much or became homeless and lost all physical items they can't take your inside world away from you!

Lily[/quote] I don't think they have given up on their inner world thats a harsh assumption to make.

I know for us that the innerworld exists because if I focus inwards I can see what the others are doing and if you ask me when I first front what I've been up to then I could tell you all sorts of interline detail but after about an hour of being front my internal memories are gone. I can't access them instead I have access to the shared memory this makes life in the outside world a lot easier as there is less amnesia but it does make our innerworld feel less rich.

Eliseahorse wrote:[Quote = 'triforce']

It's a shame people give up their rich inner worlds as it will be there when nothing or no-one else will..even if you're bedbound and can only stare at a ceiling or close your eyes and can't do much or became homeless and lost all physical items they can't take your inside world away from you!

Lily

I don't think they have given up on their inner world thats a harsh assumption to make.

I know for us that the innerworld exists because if I focus inwards I can see what the others are doing and if you ask me when I first front what I've been up to then I could tell you all sorts of interline detail but after about an hour of being front my internal memories are gone. I can't access them instead I have access to the shared memory this makes life in the outside world a lot easier as there is less amnesia but it does make our innerworld feel less rich.[/quote]


Sorry didn't relaise that sounded so harsh! We're so used to living in what others may see as a severely restricted life situation, yet is our normal everyday life within what we see as an harsh outside world.

I don't think we could have coped or evolved without our system or inside world. I think we'd just have ended up like many singletons in a never ending cycle of being on antidepressants or in a psychiatric unit full time with even less of a life. (just going on the complete breakdowns two of our past hosts had , who had no understanding they were part of a system or had an inner world).

Sometimes it seems therapy's only aim is to rid people of their inner worlds because its 'not normal' to have them, regardless of how much having one may help 'a person' function.... even online lately we're noticing a split in the DID community. even people who once believed they had a diverse system of alters themselves telling others what therapists have led them to believe.

It seems sad to us, as our system is a great comfort to us given the life we find ourselves stuck in (due to disability, lack of enough care provisions and funding etc). Our dogs too have been our saviours and kept us out of psychiatric units because we had to keep 'one foot' in the real world to meet her/his needs daily.

But I think the reasons you said above is why Bobby doesn't wish to live in the outside world full time, they come out only to play video games that offer them new ideas for new 'virtual holodecks' inside.

They recreate it on the inside, then when I start the game up out here we play simultaneously, they are receiving what I am seeing but they are playing it as if they are the character thats running around on the screen in front of me, it does make the game more intense and immersive and importantly for the external host for the duration of playing its a distraction from the screeching Tinnitus cos the brain is focused on the game and processing it from 2 viewpoints simultaneously. From an outside world perspective I guess its no different to playing multiplayer though instead of having an headset to communicate with the other player we can do it telepathically.

Many of our 'social mask hosts' (external hosts created to cope with school, work , relationships etc) have experienced bad depression from our disability and isolation, if they were a 'singleton' with no other escape I don't think we would have survived. The fact another alter can take over the front if another is feeling so depressed and overwhelmed and let the other return to an inner world where they can have another life or just sleep if they want is whats saved us many times over!


Lily

I will let Pixie comment on the reply to her post herself... but I want to chime in here that I've been "inside" literally JUST ONE TIME. And it was... interesting, confusing... and surreal.

One moment I am on my bed and about to put my house shoes on and next moment I'm in a snowy field on a bench looking at a single tree in what was at least 10 acres of clear snow-covered field. Turns out THIS is Pixie's "special place" on her family's land inside where she and her brother would go (he passed away inside, and we think we know where that comes from in outside trauma)... and NO ONE but she, her brother, and later Angel (since they married inside- before we knew even) have been. Ever. It's a special place.

She was in a Tinker Bell costume (which was hilarious given in it was snowing and her name) and very very cold. So I took my heavy flannel I was wearing over my t-shirt and wrapped it over her...

We talked a good 5-10 mins, and as we got up to walk this freezing girl back to her warm house... suddenly I was... "back".

I was back "outside" world, standing by my bed... and my flannel beside me like it'd been on someone that vanished.

I have NO recollection of outside movements. One moment I'm there, next I'm inside for a bit... then instantly back in the bedroom.


GENERALLY when others come out... I'm doing whatever... then next thing I know, I am somewhere else doing something else. Sometimes it's a short duration (as short as 5-10 mins), other times it's been a LONG time (several hours, or even the next day). But for me, it's a lot like falling asleep in a car and seeing a sign saying X city/place being 100 miles away... and waking up later IN THAT PLACE and feeling like no time passed, unaware you'd dozed off. THAT is how being "away" feels for me.
I don't get "inside" and I don't generally get to see the others and their houses, their families, their world.
I WISH I did. I'd known them via outside world communication for nearly a decade before "the shattering" (six years ago yesterday) and we learned how we all exist as one (well that incident that LED to that awareness). I would LOVE to be able to be with them there and see that world with them.

For some reason... I just don't. :'(

-Zor

Zor wrote:

GENERALLY when others come out... I'm doing whatever... then next thing I know, I am somewhere else doing something else. Sometimes it's a short duration (as short as 5-10 mins), other times it's been a LONG time (several hours, or even the next day). But for me, it's a lot like falling asleep in a car and seeing a sign saying X city/place being 100 miles away... and waking up later IN THAT PLACE and feeling like no time passed, unaware you'd dozed off. THAT is how being "away" feels for me.

-Zor

Jess says this is how it was for Maddie (a past host) when Kit or others used to slip out....Probably for Thea too... Neither of them were ever aware of the others at all or an inside world as they were created to deal with university/work etc and portray only a 'neurotypical persona' to fit in.

In our case the only time it was noticed by external people...Thea was put on anti-epileptic medication as they believed she was experiencing some kind of partial or temporal lobe seizures and Maddie got convinced she was developing dementia but was too scared to find out for sure incase she was put in hospital - our last dog was getting old by this time and she didn't want to her to feel abandoned if she (Maddie) was kept in hospital ,then our dog died never understanding why she'd suddenly left her in her last years of life (after being together 15 years).

Once Kit was able to stay out long enough to take over she did (Maddie by then was struggling with severe depression after our last dog had passed away) ..because Kit had been an insider she could revisit the inner world at any time and communicate with some of the others. (that she knew about at that point) ...once word got out that an insider was out front and it was 'safe to go out'... many more started to re-emerge and come out more frequently.

Once the body and life was run by insiders and everyone knew of each other and the scale of the 'inner world' (some had lived in different isolated areas from others) the pieces started to come together and we discovered DID. We've been going through peri-menopause too so there were times we did wonder if were imagining the whole thing!

Lily

TheTriForce wrote:

Zor wrote:
For us, we all go to like the inner world (which we only knew for soooo long). Our inner world is a rich vivid world, or was... it feels less "real" these days, the more "out" we get and connected to - for good and bad.

{\Pixie/}

It's a shame people give up their rich inner worlds as it will be there when nothing or no-one else will..even if you're bedbound and can only stare at a ceiling or close your eyes and can't do much or became homeless and lost all physical items they can't take your inside world away from you!
...
Lily

So it's less of "giving it up" and more seems like an automatic or natural thing. We are really confused and sometimes stressed over it- but it's not like something we're TRYING to do... quite the opposite, actually.
We just wanna be more cooperative together and have a presence and understand ourselves as a whole outside, too, and this seems like it's happening as a reaction or byproduct OF that.

Like the more we're out and aware of being out and outside, we're seeing how despite how vivid and real it always felt and does still, there's... gaps, little things. When I first came aware, I marveled at silly things like litter, animals, pets, the sheer number of PEOPLE and what they wore... things that are in the inner world, but it's - to use the best analogy I can think of - like a video game world inside. It's vivid, it's rich, it feels real... but there's just only SO MUCH it can replicate to such detail and degree... so it's still.... lacking... and just feels diff. At least since we've known.

IDK what the future is for us in the inner world/outside world thing- but we DO know we don't want any damage to inside or lessening of it without MASSIVE connection outside cuz we NEED that... everyone NEEDS connection and a life.

Does that clarify a little?

{\Pixie/}