alters controlling pain?

meowblaster8 wrote:I don't think a therapist would even know where to start with me

Some therapists are specialized in trauma and dissociation.

meowblaster8 wrote:i keep hearing crying in my head, im not sure if its related to that but when it happens, the thoughts come up.

It is a form of communication that parts/alters can use in order to express feelings and ask for help.

meowblaster8 wrote:it used to be that I would hear uncaring, hateful anger. such meanness that is shown to everyone and everything, including myself, feelings that made no sense. i think that's one of the other parts of me. they don't get so angry anymore, after I've been communicating.

Sounds like a dissociated part, yes. If you can have access to the book "Coping with trauma related dissociation" you'll find advices and exercises on how to manage the daily life and improve inside communication and how to comfort the parts that are hurt.

meowblaster8 wrote:I hope and believe that we will get through it, one way or another.

You are brave and you can do it! It'll take time and it will be difficult but you can do it! Step by step!

thank you for all of your advice! it means a lot to me

A little update on things I suppose.
I am aware of two other parts of me for certain. They feel more of strong emotions and desires than they do full people, if that makes any sense. I understand that alters in of themselves aren't always "fleshed-out," so to speak, and who knows, really... I'm still a mess about things.
Got a lot of things going on lately. I don't know where to say things where I'll get genuine sympathy... Sorry for being a sap.

Everyone in my head was quiet for a long time. I felt very alone, and was struggling by myself.
Then I think I met the previous host, or something... I have no idea. What they were and felt, felt so familiar. Like a version of me from the past. It's hard to explain, I don't know.

It makes me feel weak and pathetic, I guess. I don't know who that was, and I don't know who I am. They were someone stronger than me, more capable and functional.
I know every part has a purpose in a system. I scrape by as the host, but I can't help but feel like I could be better. And yet the thought of going dormant or fully disconnecting scares me.

I'm very scared, I guess. I want to be more open to things but it's very hard.
The two alters I've come to know and understand (as barely as I do,) feel very close to me. Wants and desires and thoughts that I can sort of understand. This other part of me felt completely different than me, alien and yet something I've known before.

It's a scary thing. I'm trying not to think too much about this side of things, haha. It's on the backburner for a while, until I can get some personal life and safety things sorted out. I'm still kicking, certainly, just confused...

meowblaster8 wrote:They feel more of strong emotions and desires than they do full people, if that makes any sense.

It does. Some alters are not very elaborate identity-wise and they contain only one strong emotion or thought or memory etc. And because they are dissociated (disconnected) from the rest of the system, said emotion etc. becomes their whole universe, their whole self, and it's super intense. It gets easier when the system starts to reconnect (integrate).

meowblaster8 wrote:Sorry for being a sap.

Everybody has the right to being sap when needed!

meowblaster8 wrote:What they were and felt, felt so familiar. Like a version of me from the past. It's hard to explain, I don't know.

It makes sense. Every one of you is part of the same whole so of course you'll feel some familiarity when reconnecting with some alters/parts. Especially if there is a partial connection with them so they feel kinda you kinda not. The feeling is weird when we are used to feeling dissociated most of the time, though.

meowblaster8 wrote:It makes me feel weak and pathetic, I guess. [...] They were someone stronger than me, more capable and functional. [...] I could be better. And yet the thought of going dormant or fully disconnecting scares me.

You're not pathetic. And it's ok to feel weak and vulnerable especially when we carry a lot of hurt. Knowing where our vulnerabilities are is important in order to know how to protect ourselves. A bit like learning to carry a shield: you need to know what parts of your body it's supposed to protect or else the way you'll carry it might be ineffective.

It's always possible to be better. And you hit the nail on the head by saying you don't want to be dormant or disconnected. Because the solution is the opposite of that: the solution is to reconnect with the inner ressources of the system, becoming able to tap into the abilities of the other alters, share knowledge with each-other, etc. When we do that, every alter becomes fully functional because they have access to the whole of what the system can do. And that's super awesome. It's like learning a superpower.

meowblaster8 wrote:I'm very scared, I guess. [...] I'm trying not to think too much about this side of things, haha. It's on the backburner for a while, until I can get some personal life and safety things sorted out. I'm still kicking, certainly, just confused...

Of course it's confusing. We've all been there. Discorvering the system, lowering the dissociative walls, the weird familiarity feeling of things that are alien at the same time... It's super duper weird. Good idea to focus on getting the physical life and safety sorted out first. They are super important in order to offer a good environment to connect with the system and do inner system work. Having a stable and safe everyday life is top priority number one in the guidelines for the treatment of dissociative disorders by the ISSTD. (they're in the ressources list) So, congrats, you had the intuition of doing exactly what therapy guidelines advise to do! Wheeee!

Hi everyone! I haven't been on this forum for a while. Things have gotten strange for me lately.

I had a few months where I felt comfortable as "myself," as ever-changing that can be, and allowed my alters and other thoughts, consciousness and feelings room and time to explore.
I discovered that they've always been around, just far enough away that I can't notice the difference between them and me. Or that the intrusions are just what I deem as recognizable and familiar. For a while I had assumed they were "intrusive thoughts," but have realized that those are entirely different than dissociated parts and thoughts. What a wild thing!

I tried going to see a therapist through my doctor's office. It didn't go well. I couldn't open up and was left dissociating and crying, and she didn't know how to start with me. I can't blame her for that, but her clear stigmatism towards me and my actions were clear. She told me it seemed like I was autistic and wouldn't listen when I tried to explain my thoughts, only cutting me off and saying her own pieces. Not that I have anything against such a diagnosis, it just isn't my main troubles at present.

Lately I've been in denial over things and trying to push the intrusions away. I can't say why exactly, but I know I am very scared and anxious. The thought that I might just be going crazy or out of control for me is too frightening. So that is a lot to deal with on my own, but I can't exactly blame anyone but myself.
I won't get self-deprecating on here. I just feel very alone in this.

I did manage to make a couple friends who suffer from similar dissociation issues like myself, and they're very kind, patient, and understanding with me, more than a lot of people I've met have been. It's nice. One of my alters trusts them a lot, which is very relieving after everything I've been through.
My experiences with them and the ones we share are similar, but different, which is just as interesting as it is scary to me. I know everyone is different. I can't help but compare us however.

That is my journey so far. I know there's still more to go, and I always end up back in this "denial" and pushing-away stage, it's something I don't think I can quite get out of without seeing a professional who can diagnose me or do the opposite. It would be nice to know for sure. That thought scares me too.