K system musings and ramblings

K here. I've been fronting continuously for several weeks now and the inner world seems to have quieted down for a bit. It seems that there was a "revolution" of sorts and many alters came together (I got a glimpse and I seem to have dozens now as yet unnamed and unaware) and since then it's been quieter in my head except for "negative Nancy" or "Debbie downer" aka Kate. She likes to be a constant pest but whatever. I've been missing "mom" lately and haven't seen her so I'm assuming she has the littles and they are all sleeping. Not sure if this so called revolution had anything to do with the change in employment but my physical pain has lessened dramatically and my stress more manageable. I'm not complaining in the least. It's about time the others gave me a break and helped out.

I'm making an observation about the triggers and alter switching that happens when under extreme stress. KK reached out for help from a SA hotline because things went critical for her and she was in dire need of someone to talk to however no one ever responded to her. As usual we all have to look out for each other because we never seem to get the proper help and no one really listens to us. I'm on here today keeping K8 away and giving K a break from fronting so she can rest. KK has no business being in control. While I'm aware of who these alters are and refer to myself in the first person I don't front often and don't really have a name yet. I'm only half aware of my existence and typically stay in the inner world. I have read the others posts and have to say they don't accurately reflect the chaos that goes on in here.K downplays everything because she worries how she will be perceived and judged unfit to front on a daily basis. I think she needs to retire. But what do I know? I don't even know who I am yet. I guess if I were to pick a name it wouldn't start with a K. I'm just here I guess. Maybe just passing through. I guess I'm Rose. Seems like a reasonable name. She likes roses so that's what I'll go with. It seems like a chilled out, relaxed kind of name. Kind of ditzy like Rose from the Golden Girls.

Rose is a nice name. Hi Rose!

I totally understand the situation of downplaying everything and not being able to accurately express the inside chaos. The things with "being unfit to front" is that it's kinda true for all alters, in the sense that not one alter has all the abilities and ressources to front 24/7. That's why we switch when we have DID! Usually we switch for the alters who seems to have the best panel of ressources and abilities to manage a given situation.

Sometimes we do not understand why said alter is the best for the job because we do not see the full picture. As an example, if we see a situation as "needing to write an email" when the system as a whole sees the situation as "coping with a high level of stress", we might not understand why a stress-alter fronts instead of a writing-emails-alter.

It's a very big chaos but it eases out with integration and with building the safety of the here and now.

(K writing)I've been very depressed the last few weeks and stressed out to the point that I'm dissociating but also having the amnesia with it. I don't know if one of the others is fronting and taking over at that time. A lot of the buried emotions from the trauma are surfacing and it's been extremely difficult to cope with it and try to work at the same time. Mom still guards my memory like a pit bull with a bone. She definitely has been guarding me if I venture anywhere near the subject of the trauma. I still don't remember nor do I want to. However these feelings are there and overwhelming. I feel like I'm being made to stay fronting in order to deal with these emotions and work through the pain. The others have no interest in coming forward.

There is no more K system. All the Ks decided to merge and become one. I'm now Kat. I still have Rose and "mom" but I've disowned "dad" because I confronted him after he tried to do something he shouldn't have. I basically told him he's a pervert and to go away. I hurt his feelings and he started crying but I don't care. He's no longer a persecutor and definitely not a protector. I have found there are some alters that are cats and also a couple of horses too. I also have a little who wears rose tinted goggles. Not sure about that one yet. I feel like a revolution took place and most of the old alters either went dormant or integrated and became something else. Only mom remains the same. She is the one constant in the headspace.

I/we are leaving because I/we are moving and will not be able to post here anymore. Too much going on to talk about and trying to figure out this situation in my head is taking a toll. It's nice feeling more whole in some ways but the new alters coming forward now are foreign to me and it's draining my energy. I also have to move states away and it's taking all my time. Thanks for the help I've received here. I/we are starting to understand a bit more of this disorder (I hate this term)

It's okay if it's too exhausting sometimes to keep track of things. It's okay if you do not post on this forum for a while then come back.

Remember that you can access the forum without the need to post. You can access the list of ressources as much as you like/need.

Take care.