Relationships

So I have been in a long distance relationship for the last 3.5 months and I have fallen Hard for this woman (GF for ease) but some of the others are starting to share doubt about the relationship, the most vocal about this has been Erica.
She feels that GF will hurt me and by extension us and feels that we should distance ourselves, the issue is that though GF knows and is understanding of my DID its still hard for her to be faced with an alter who to her seems set against her and I don't know how to convince the others that she isn't a threat to our well being or at least is worth the risk.

I will leave this post in our documents to allow the others to share their opinions.
Kadssdak (Host)


My issue is not if GF is worth the risk I think she is very nice and I do believe she has no "intent" to hurt Kadssdak but I feel like she will in the end, there are a few key details that have not been mentioned one of being that she is Pansexual and Poly and Kadssdak is not. I am concerned that as he is not the kind of person that could deal with GF having multiple partners it is bound to end in pain at some point. I know GF has stated that she is fine being monogamous for him but I still worry that this is not in her nature and there will come a time that she will want more than just him and that will destroy him. He does love GF more than I have seen in a very long time but that is why I feel she is a huge risk and a time bomb waiting to destroy him.

Erica


The way i see it is that we can either support it or not either way he is unlikely to take action contrary to his emotions the best we can do is hope that GF is true to her word and make her understand that we as a system arnt against her but she is a danger to the stability and has the power to break us last time he was bad Erica was out front for the best part of a week consistently
i wanna know what the guys on the forum think of this so someone make sure to post this on there

Abraxas



This was the last entry on this over 3 days it was C+P from the document as abraxas said i'd like to hear your thoughts on this.

kadssdak wrote:its still hard for her to be faced with an alter who to her seems set against her

It's not an open hostility, it's more of a "in the past we have been hurt and I do not want this to happen in the future".

kadssdak wrote:I don't know how to convince the others that she isn't a threat to our well being or at least is worth the risk.

It takes a lot of communication, of taking things slow, working on attachment issues and traumas, working on difficult behaviors. Here are some things that can be useful (also check the ressources list in my signature):
articles on communication
articles on difficult behaviors
articles on attachment (currently being posted, come back every once in a while to read the next ones)

Erica wrote:she is Pansexual and Poly and Kadssdak is not. I am concerned that as he is not the kind of person that could deal with GF having multiple partners it is bound to end in pain at some point.

I think it is important to talk with GF about this. Being poly does not mean "always having multiple partners" and a poly person can decide to have only one partner. Moreover, it could be the occasion, since she's poly and pan, to allow the rest of the system to explore different facets of the relationship with her. I am NOT saying "you must all be dating her this instant" of course! Just that, it's less awkard for a poly and pan person to interact with other alters of the system because she will be less bothered to meet numerous alters with different genders. Some people who are monoamorous and/or monosexual (attracted by only one gender) can have difficulties in this regard even if in the end, all the alters are one brain hence one person. PolyA and pan people have a bit less issues with that.

Erica wrote:I know GF has stated that she is fine being monogamous for him but I still worry that this is not in her nature and there will come a time that she will want more than just him and that will destroy him.

I totally understand your concern! I am originally polyamorous and when I started really getting seriously involved with my GF we agreeded upon being both poly because we are long distance and everything. After a few years we realized that even being poly we did not want anyone else. We both have DID (well I'm healed now but still) which might have helped keeping the diversity and interest in the relationship. It allowed us to explore many different facets and aspects of a relationship and strenghten our bond. Though it also came with the difficulties of having to deal with our respective traumas too. But working through the issues together really helped us strenghten our bond. In the end, we have a monoA relationship together because we never wanted anybody else since the start of our relationship. Even though we still are polyA. Life is weird.

So, it's possible for a polyA person to decide over a monoA relationship. Just know that on average it takes 2 years for a relationship to be properly grown into full bloom. Meaning that it takes about 2 years before you have a good idea of what the relationship will be on the very long term.

But it's worth the shot. In the past your system have been hurt but you are all still alive, right? You all have each-others' back. Work together to make it safe for all of you. You can do it together as a team!

Abraxas wrote:the best we can do is hope that GF is true to her word and make her understand that we as a system arnt against her but she is a danger to the stability and has the power to break us

Building a relationship takes time and effort on both parts. It also means, making sure it is safe. So instead of telling the GF she has "the power to break [you]" I'd rather work with her to make sure the relationship is safe for everybody. It's way more efficient, pro-active and therapeutic IMO. You'll find ressources in the links I posted earlier, I also advice to fetch books like "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" and "Coping with trauma related dissociation" because they contain advices and examples on how to make the advices work, too.


So to summarize: it's completely normal to engage in the "once bitten twice shy" behavior when bad things happened in the past! So, take it slown and build together (all of you + the GF) a relationship where all of you can feel safe and heard and cared for. You do not have to tell her right away you have DID but you can say things like "in the past I have been badly hurt so part of me really loves you, part of me is afraid the situation will turn bad like it was in the past for me, part of me thinks..." All integrated (not dissociated) people have "parts" or aspects to their mind. They are just able to see all of the different points of view as a list of pros and cons that their whole "me" have instead of being separated into alters. So GF can perfectly understand having conflicted points of view / opinions / emotions, because that's normal for a person who does not have DID.