Need advice about relations

(A)

Sorry for my bad english, i very nervous right now. Today i was on my friends meeting. Not in Creative's friends meeting. On MY friends meeting.
And Creative's girlfriend was offended. I say that i dont like to write her every hour my condition and what i'm doing. I dont understand it. It is not a part of our agreement, but i doing it when i not at home. I dont understand what it needed for. She own Creative, but she dont own me, i think. I want to live my life. Why she was offended when i say it? What i must do? I dont whant to conflict with her. But i can kick her out without money/home in foreign country. And i can kick out Creative if he try to fight me. Why she goes to conflict? What i must do now? Is she discover borders of control?

There are a lot of things that makes me think this relation is not as its best. Some might be due to "lost in translation" though.

First, living separate lives between alters is not healthy. It is understandable when you do not feel connected to the parts of the life that are including other alters! But it is not healthy.

Even for people without DID it is completely normal and OK to have different groups of friends and to want to spend time with one and not the other. A lot of people outside of DID do that. Different friends for different activities. It is OK and normal.

About the girlfriend now. It does not matter if the girlfriend is your girlfriend or Creative's girlfriend: if you want to spend a few hours without texting her, it's completely ok. Maybe the girlfriend is anxious. But she needs to understand that it's ok to not speak for a few hours. You just tell her when you stop being available, when you will be available next / when you come home, you respect that, and voilà. If she is angry with it, it means she has attachment wounds that need healing. And that is another problem. Do not hesitate to look into attachment theory conferences on YouTube and watch them together. And talk about it together. How to make things better, how to make her less anxious when you leave for a few hours with your friends.

Moreover, people in a relationship do NOT "own" each-other. They build a relationship together but they do NOT "own" each-other. A relationship is two free people deciding to share something together and deciding together what are the rules of the relationship (example of rules: do not kiss on the lips another person). There is NO ownership. This might be a translation error somewhere but I wanted to point it out.

You might want to live your part of life as your own, but you cannot. A system is a whole. All the alters need to work together to decide what to do. It is OK to have some time to do this, some time to do that... but the alters are never completely separate. The alters can think they are separate because of the dissociation, but they are not. Same brain, same body, same life, work on it together as a team. Kicking an alter out never works.

(A)

ArbreMonde wrote:ArbreMonde

thanks a lot! You completely understand my post, all OK! And your advices is very helpful!
I never thinking before in that way. Huh, i can't live my own live separately? That's a fact. But it was always opposite for me, all my wishes was to live separately. May be it's time to change my life goals...

AndreiCo wrote:A relationship is two free people deciding to share something together

I see a problem in this point. I decided nothing. That was a Creative's decision, not mine. I was a fool. I wake from long dreaming when she was in relationships with our other alters. She heard from they about "an ideal first-in-body Creative man" and actively trying to search him. That activities wakes me up and i helps to find and wake back Creative. He was very grateful for new life, she got her desired man. They live together and happy (as far as i know), but Creative can't be in charge more than 3-4days. They needs me for changes. But i haven't any time limits for being in charge, so i don't need Cretive for living. More of that - his (our, huh) girlfriend bring to me only problems and spendings, i have nothing from she at all. No meals, no sexual contacts, have no job, only a bit of soothing words if i become completely apathetic and stop doing my job. Or just reminds me not to act like a victim. That is what i think about "she owns us". Creative like a pet/sexdoll, i'm like a necessary tool for maintaining him.
But i bring up question about she's anxiousity during our next switching. If treating this gives me a little more personal freedom - I'll do my best for it.

AndreiCo wrote:his (our, huh) girlfriend bring to me only problems and spendings, i have nothing from she at all. No meals, no sexual contacts, have no job, only a bit of soothing words if i become completely apathetic and stop doing my job. Or just reminds me not to act like a victim. That is what i think about "she owns us". Creative like a pet/sexdoll, i'm like a necessary tool for maintaining him.
But i bring up question about she's anxiousity during our next switching. If treating this gives me a little more personal freedom - I'll do my best for it.

This is a big problem. The whole relationship with the girlfriend needs to be talked about, all of you together: you, Creative, and the girlfriend. The physical responsibilities of the life need to be shared equally between your system and the girlfriend.

You as a whole person, are NOT here to please the girlfriend without getting nothing in return. It might be a good idea to talk about it with a therapist. If Creative is used like a pleasure item by the girlfriend, and there is no other connexion, then it sounds like an unbalanced relationship and you really need help to fix the relationship. A system is a whole person. A relationship is with a whole person. The relationship needs to be respectful. Are you and Creative really okay with "giving pleasure to the girlfriend in exchange for having company" ? Or do you want a deeper connexion? (If you are okay with "pleasure for company" then I'm not judging! To each their life! Just make sure you are really okay with it.)

Also the girlfriend needs to understand that your system is a whole person, all of you together. Creative is a part of the system, you are another part of the system. You are just as important as Creative. If you need some time to see friends, it is your right. Everybody need alone time or friends time. Just make sure to discuss what are the boundaries/rules beforehand (example : be home before midnight, no drunk driving, bring back croissants for tomorrow's breakfast...)

(I love croissants )

Do not hesitate to read books like "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors"

Translations of Healing the fragmented selves... wrote:French: "Dépasser la dissociation d'origine traumatique"

Italian: Guarire la frammentazione del sé. Come integrare le parti di sé dissociate dal trauma psicologico

Espagnol: Sanar el yo fragmentado de los sobrevivientes del trauma: Guía para superar la autoalienación

Dutch: Innerlijke zelfvervreemding overwinnen na trauma: het onderscheiden en verenigen van persoonlijkheidsdelen

Polish: Terapia osób które przetrwały traumy złożone: Jak przezwyciężać mechanizmy wewnętrznej alienacji (I hope I got it right and did not mistake it for another by the same author)

Turkish: Travmadan Hayatta Kalanların Parçalanmış Benliklerini İyileştirmek

or "Coping with trauma related dissociation"

Translations of Coping with trauma related dissociation wrote:Finnish (2011): Traumaperäisen Dissosiaatiohäriön Vakauttaminen

Spanish (2011): Vivir con disociación traumática: Entrenamiento de habilidades para pacientes y terapeutas

Swedish (2012): Att hantera traumarelaterad dissociation: Färdighetsträning för patienter och deras terapeuter

Dutch (2012): Omgaan met traumagerelateerde dissociatie: Vaardigheidstraining voor patienten en hun therapeuten

German (2013): Traumabedingte Dissoziation bewältigen: Ein Skills-Training für Klienten und ihre Therapeuten

Italian (2013): La dissociazione traumatica: Comprenderla e afrontarla

Norwegian (2014): Traumerelatert dissosiasjon: Ferdighetstrening for pasienter og terapeuter

French (2014): Gérer la dissociation d'origine traumatique: Exercices pratiques pour patients et thérapeutes

(A)
Thanks a lot!
I'll discuss this with Creative and girlfriend on next switching after tomorrow. I think that Creative totally OK with this relations, but i'm not OK. It means whole system is not OK too, right? And i need to tell it to them for healing it! Thanks for helping to figure out the problem!

Even non-dissociative people can have conflicting opinions about something, being half OK and half not OK. So, talking it through to see how to make things better is very important!

(A)
Update. We had a conversations with Creative ant his girlfriend. Had a few updates to agreement.

1. I'm free to do anything, while my behaviour not affects our system life.
2. I'm definitely not in any relationships with Creative's girlfriend. She says that she accepts me, but she don't like me at all.
3. When i doing things for whole system, i'm send all telemetry to she instantly. Where am i, what i'm doing and what i'm planning to do next. It's looks fair for me.
4. When i living my life - i'm just say my plans and no more. On my time i'm free, i think.

For now this agreement looks good enough for me. I can't do anything what i want, but i can doing something without she's supervising. But i really worried about our life. I think our whole system is in danger. I know that the Creative's girlfriend blackmails Creative with suicide if he not love her (at least one time he complained about it). I don't know that Creative really like her. I know that they have not sex contacts for past half year or more (official reason - she had a health issues). I don't understand what happening, but i think this not a normal male-female relations.
I don't want to be a reason for somebody death or hurt. I'm afraid to talk about it with Creative. May be he read this my post later

In our experience people who blackmail you with suicide threats never actually go as far as killing themselves. They can make a show of it (like they might cut their wrists but in the "safe" direction that won't cause life threatening bloodless, or they take enough tablets to pass out and vomit but not die) there are websites out there dedicated to how to fake a suicide. Of course they could accidentally die whilst doing a fake suicide but as a rule if folk are taking about killing themselves they won't. Its when folk pretend everything is fine thats when they quietly commit suicide.

Emotional blackmail is a form of abuse. Creative is being coerced into staying in this relationship.

I'm glad you got the freedom you have negotiated for I might suggest you use some of that freedom to get in touch with abused peoples charity helpline in your country. They may have stuff to help creative see how wrong this all is.

Good luck

-- Sat Dec 23, 2023 12:15 am --

In our experience people who blackmail you with suicide threats never actually go as far as killing themselves. They can make a show of it (like they might cut their wrists but in the "safe" direction that won't cause life threatening bloodless, or they take enough tablets to pass out and vomit but not die) there are websites out there dedicated to how to fake a suicide. Of course they could accidentally die whilst doing a fake suicide but as a rule if folk are taking about killing themselves they won't. Its when folk pretend everything is fine thats when they quietly commit suicide.

Emotional blackmail is a form of abuse. Creative is being coerced into staying in this relationship.

I'm glad you got the freedom you have negotiated for I might suggest you use some of that freedom to get in touch with abused peoples charity helpline in your country. They may have stuff to help creative see how wrong this all is.

Good luck

Run out of the relationship it's abusive period.

Asking you to give her all of your infos when you are away = abuse
Suicide blackmail = abuse
Hating you = abuse towards the whole system, it's like she wants to force the whole system to be only the little part that Creative is and the rest of the system does not exist, it's like asking a whole person to cut half of their brain out to please the partner

You are the one setting limits and boundaries and she hates you for that because she does not want to accept and respect limits and boundaries.

It has nothing to do with gender or sex. Any person behaving like that is dangerous for you: friend, family, lover...

RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK

(A)

Eliseahorse wrote:use some of that freedom to get in touch with abused peoples charity helpline

Thanks a lot, I'll do it as fast as i can. Right now i'm very busy with migrant papers (as a Creative too) and preparing to New Year. But i can find the time to find help with that kind of relations!

ArbreMonde wrote:RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK

I can't do that, this is a violation of our agreement. We can do something for whole system only if both agree with it. There is no way for Creative to run away from her. I need to convince him first.
Also she can't survive without us, she have no job, language or so on. She spend 10years for us (not for me, but still...). She woke up Creative at last! Uh. Need to talk with "abused peoples charity helpline" first. May be i can fix Creative's relationships with her...

I don't want to hurt anybody. I afraid of direct conflict with Creative. He may fight me, and i'm not sure at all who will survive in that fight.