Can it be DID if I always have control and memory?

I returned to this forum after realizing that I may not have figured out things just right.

I feel like there are parts of me who: would like to take things in different direction, behave differently, feel differently, like different stuff, and so. It also feels like that I can only truly give in to some parts of me if I merely start living different consistency within me.

I always had memory of all my actions, and never felt like anyone is controlling me or trying to take control of me, it is more like my sense of self was going all over the place till I started noticing some consistencies, and so willingly stabilize my self certain way.

Where each consistency feels like I cannot be each in the same time, like I have to pick how I am now. Also, I can pick that I now live one consistency, yet do something other consistency would like to do now without having to re-pick who I am, I just do a proxy.

I am basically always aware of all of me, it is just that I cannot in the same time resonate with all of me. I can be sympathetic to every part of me, yet I can clearly tell who I am at the moment, and thus tell my current self, starting with gender and then all else.

So, can it really be Dissociative Identity Disorder if I am in complete control of everything?

OSDD maybe? I think that can be like passive influence with one host there all time?

I agree with TheTriForce: it sounds more like another dissociative disorder such as OSDD. "DID lite" if you prefer.

The therapy is the same than for DID though, so for me (this is a personnal opinion that is mine only) it's a bit like a Twiddledee Twiddledum situation. If coming on this board, asking questions, reading posts... helps you get better, that's what is important. Heck, I no longer qualify for DID or OSDD anymore, and I still hang out around here to give back to the community who helped me so much

We agree with Triforce and Arbremonde, it could very well be OSDD since that is usually marked by less amnesia and less distinction between alters.

I would like to point out, however, that it is possible that the brain could also be tricking you into thinking that you're always in control or that you always remember your actions. We have that a lot and it's taken until recently for us to realize to realize that's what was going on.

And Arbremonde, thank you for continuing to check in.

Hope all of this helps,
Violette

Thank you for your answers, I feel like that what I am experiencing are dissociative intrusions, characterized by Partial dissociative identity disorder.

https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#/ht ... f988400777

AW10 wrote:Thank you for your answers, I feel like that what I am experiencing are dissociative intrusions, characterized by Partial dissociative identity disorder.

https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#/ht ... f988400777

I'm not sure about Partial DID and what the difference is between that and OSDD ..@Arbremonde is more experienced with the technical stuff.

I thought Partial DID referred to people who had been full DID (many alters) who had over time or through therapy integrated down to a smaller number? and I think amnesia between switches is quite important to the official diagnosis?

Maybe OSDD would be the diagnosis if the system had always been small and passive influence always been the way of working? and they felt more like mood swings than different people switching in?

Though systems can evolve over the years.. many of us had no knowledge of the others for years I only began to host more recently after being dormant for many years. Before this we had many 'social mask' hosts who were not connected to 'the inside' and had no awareness or memory of switching. In the past we may have qualified for the DID diagnosis possibly when the system was behaving more erratically but now we have no memory loss between switches and we don't even need to be 'feeling really dissociated' or 'stressed or traumatised' to switch these days. It tends to depend on the alter. sometimes others can advise without switching out.This knowledge is coming from our alter Kit, but I (Jay) am the one currently fronting and typing it.

@TheTriForce

I see, what I am telling right now is relatively new realization.

Well, it is more like I have a personality I can always return to, but do not understand that personality very well, and even when I do understand it, low interest to live it.

Overtime, I created 9 personality constructs through which I dissociate from my main personality, but I am getting similar experience like with my main personality.

The thing is that each construct feels that with enough development can completely replace my original personality, yet each is basically a rehash of the same personality.

Meaning, I have main personality and personality constructs that try to emphasize certain aspects of my main personality, and if given enough effort, I can noticeably change.

The thing is I never could give enough effort into those constructs to truly noticeably deviate from my main personality, even when I couldn't understand my main personality.

As for how far I can change, my main personality is male with mild feminine desires, yet construct Tiana seeks to go all the way and transform body and mind in that of a female.

TheTriForce wrote: I'm not sure about Partial DID and what the difference is between that and OSDD.

You can't really compare pDID and OSDD since they aren't from the same diagnosis manual. OSDD is from the DSM-V and pDID is strictly a ICD-11 diagnosis, added alongside DID and "ICD OSDD".

In the DSM-V, you have:

• DID, characterized by multiple deeply dissociated identities with a lot of amnesia.
• OSDD, characherized by multiple less deeply dissociated identities and/or minimal amnesia and/or symptoms that don't fit into any dissociative disorder diagnosis.

What is enough dissociation and/or amnesia isn't clear, and the diagnostic depends a lot on the clinician's definition of what is "enough".

In the ICD-11, you have :

• DID, characterized by dissociated identities taking control of the body on a regular basis, and a lot of amnesia triggered by being out of their window of tolerance, by the switches, etc.
• pDID, characterized by dissociated identities organized around one "main" identity often in control, other identities influencing them through intrusions and passive influence, taking the full control only when really triggered. Amnesia isn't related to the switches, so the person can remember them more often than someone with DID, and will usually feel like "someone else were controlling them" or that they "briefly became their alter". Amnesia is usually tied to the emotional state, and will occurs when the person is outside their window of tolerance for the emotion they feel - which means that all the alters can have memory loss for the same event, no matter who was in control.
• OSDD, when the symptoms aren't clear or strong enough to fit DID, pDID, or any other dissociative disorders.

If the clinician have trouble to assess the level of dissociation between the parts, the amnesia is considered to be the "core" symptoms. If there's amnesia impacting the functioning of the person in their daily life, even for neutral or nice events : DID. If there's amnesia in the present life, but triggered mainly by emotional state : pDID. If there's not enough amnesia to disturb the person's life : OSDD.




Honestly, I don't think what you're telling is coherent with pDID either. The more you talk about it, the more I wonder about borderline PD with very strong dissociative symptoms. It is on the "dissociative disorders" spectrum, but doesn't reach the "DID" complexity. It's basically identity confusion and disturbance reaching their full potential, which allows for the formation of some kind of dissociated parts, but without the rigid and/or complex organization of the personality you'll find in DID or pDID. This can be considered as BPD+OSDD for some clinicians, since it's definitely more complex than BPD.

Even in pDID, there are a lot of differences between the alters, and there are a lot of conflicts that need to be addressed and resolved. It's not just "variation of the same identity", there is a really strong feeling of "not me" toward the others. They express themselves even if you don't change anything to your life or yourself.

So yeah, to me, what you are describing is more coherent with OSDD, no matter what manual you want to use.

I cannot really put a label on it, but I understand my situation now.

First of all, it is not accident that consistency that was always there instead of created during some key event in life is exactly the way it is, and it is also not accident that 7 out of 10 ever discovered consistencies feel as male gender, while 2 nonbinary and only 1 female.

Now when I understand my consistencies better, I can tell that every consistency, including the one I was born with is centered around something; that also is not accident.

However, who I really am, as why those things are not accident?

Without those consistencies, I am in the same time everything and nothing: only when I have certain consistency assigned, I actually know my gender, my interests, way of thinking, and so on; where some consistency fits better to I, and some consistency fits less to I.

Obviously, consistency I was born with fits perfectly, and most of consistencies I created later in life would also fit well, only few consistencies would be a bit unfitting.

Even if consistency doesn't really fit, it doesn't mean that it cannot bring my full potential; it is all about the way it doesn't fit that determines potential of consistency.

I would say that I was prone to dissociation and thus creation of those consistencies due to having "sensory processing disorder" that also causes motivation issues.

Dwelt wrote:Even in pDID, there are a lot of differences between the alters, and there are a lot of conflicts that need to be addressed and resolved. It's not just "variation of the same identity", there is a really strong feeling of "not me" toward the others. They express themselves even if you don't change anything to your life or yourself.

I think this bit captures the core essence of the situation. I think to have Dissociative Identity Disorder, you may factually know that your alters are in a sense you, but you don't feel it. You don't associate yourself with these parts, hence dissociative. Using myself as an example because I'm the only example I have: I know for a fact that my alters are essentially sides of my personality that didn't integrate due to early life trauma. My alters both know this as well, but despite all three of us knowing this, we feel and act differently and can therefore not see ourselves as the same person. Sometimes we don't even remember what the other does, though we agreed to share everything we do so we are rarely caught off guard. Memories gained in that way always feel like I've pieced them together like scenes from a movie where I can see myself performing the actions I haven't experienced but know my body has made.

If I understand your case correctly, it's not quite like that for you. You seem to be between the lines of a persona and an alter, a persona being an identity that you can take on while fully aware that it's an identity and not a different person. You're not quite that, but your personalities are not quite as intrusive (apologies to my alters for the use of the word, I have no other) as alters should be.

In conclusion, I think it's wise if you look into OSDD. For a moment reading this I also thought about maladaptive dreaming (unsure if that's the correct term). You can look into that too because you know yourself best (perhaps a wee ironic in this situation) but I think OSDD is your best comparison.

Good luck!

~ Grey/Knight