A very confused person

ArbreMonde wrote:It does make sense. Refusing to label properly a disability or disorder is ableist, period. It's like saying the issue is the label and that making the label disappear will make the the issue disappear.

This! Precisely this! This is what I've been trying to put into words. It's like even psychologists are trying to erase mental health problems. As if the solution is merely to learn to think logically or something.

I'm sure there's people out there who are too quick to assume something is wrong, but most people assume the opposite and saying things like these psychologists say makes them not want to look for help.

Anyways, life update:
- Starting to get used to calling Sword Raven and Shield Kay. They are both still fine with the old names I gave them but they see them now more as code names.

- The more I'm getting into the mindset of "my alters are dissociated parts of myself and we are technically the same person, because we're only one brain", the more I worry about my gender identity -- which is odd because I've always felt like I don't care about that. People are what they are. Just be comfortably you. But now because Kay experiences dysphoria whenever my period comes around as well in other moments, I'm worried that once I'm healed I won't actually be as female as I think I am now... and it honestly scares me a little which is again weird, but it is what it is.

- The previous part plus the fact that I'm afraid it'll be too quiet in my head when I heal because my alters will merge with me gives me pause in my recovery process. I don't want them to go away. Every time it's a little quiet, I find myself looking for them now.

- Lastly, I'm m more or less convinced that I should have had a bipolar diagnoses. Instead of seeing a therapist, I will finish up this school year at work and then see my GP to explain the situation. She should have my medical record too and then I can ask for a diagnosis just for peace of mind. I don't want to take medicine for it. I've decided I'd rather struggle with it and use the methods I was taught for Borderline to cope. I know most people will tell me to take the meds but I have a very bad relationship with medicine because of my parents plus I'm afraid of what medicine like Lithium do to you in the long run.

That's where we're at now, I think...

Oh no, the situation with N. I've decided to try out playing online games with her. I'll ask her if she's up for that too when I sent the first message (it's been 20+ days). That way we won't be in a situation where all we can do is talk when I'm not ready for that and we can slowly build a new bond through shared time doing something fun. I also won't have to actually talk to her yet while at the same time showing that I haven't abandoned her which I feel is the best first step.

Now I'm done.

Take care all,

~ Grey

Good luck with all of this!

Regarding period related dysphoria: some cis women can experience this for many reasons such as (pre)menstrual syndrome, endometriosis, the weight of social expectations... There are also fem-leaning nonbinary people who are ok with their assigned gender and have periods related dysphoria.

Fearing you might not be "that much of a girl" is a sign that you ARE a girl (at least this part of you is). It's gender dysphoria, which can exist independently from period dysphoria. You can totally be a woman and just hate having periods for tons of reasons. Just like some women are more comfortable with smaller breasts or sportswear; they are women no matter what makes them comfortable in their feminity.

No matter what "final gender" you'll end up being as a whole, you'll know you got there when you'll feel the clic, just like you'll know it for the gender expression that'll fit you best, and everything else. Just step away from dysphoria, go towards what makes you comfortable, and you'll find your "spot" eventually. Like a cat in a box.

(it sounded logical in my head hope it does in yours too)

Triskelion wrote:Anyways, life update:
- Starting to get used to calling Sword Raven and Shield Kay. They are both still fine with the old names I gave them but they see them now more as code names.

~ Grey

Two years ago, I (Violette) was 'Sister Three'. We didn't have names. We had designations. After choosing names, our identities solidified. It took a while for those of us with new names to get used to them, and for the rest of us to learn each other's names.

As for your gender...you might identify as female, but at the same time prefer X or Y or Z expression. Our mom was always kind of androgynous in clothing choices, as is our Beth, but others in our system are more femme.

Take care,
Violette

ArbreMonde wrote:(it sounded logical in my head I hope it does in yours too

It does, thank you. I know that if in the end I'll be nonbinary or genderfluid or something, it's because I'll be comfortable with it then so that's why it's odd to me to be afraid of the idea of not being cis female. Your point is clear though. It's because I'm cis female now that the idea of being something else scares me.

My period sucks but it doesn't upset me. Only Kay is missing in action the moment it shows up cause she freaks out. In any moments in which I'd normally switch with Kay, I now end up with Raven and that causes some issues every now and then because Raven is very good at being aggressive and judgemental. Plus, she's not as fluent in my mother tongue so she has to ask people to repeat themselves, struggle to find the right words to answer and that obviously makes her more frustrated. Add to that that she likes to speak using the 'royal we' and you have a frustrated bomb.

We've been trying to help her improve in speaking our mother tongue but let's just say it's a work in progress.

ViTheta wrote:As for your gender...you might identify as female, but at the same time prefer X or Y or Z expression. Our mom was always kind of androgynous in clothing choices, as is our Beth, but others in our system are more femme.

Yes that's a bit what I'm personally like. I don't like dresses, skirts, t-shirts with designs that are flowery and frilly etc. Just give me a simple shirt and jeans. Preferably not skinny jeans and preferably a long shirt, maybe a hoodie and I'm happy.
Thanks for reminding me that that's perfectly normal for a girl.

Raven is the one responsible for all the clothes that are more revealing and form fitting in my closet. Skinny jeans, slim fit v-neck shirts, shirts with only one shoulder, ripped jeans, and the only dress I own is her doing too. I can't walk on heels either but she says she can.
Part of me thinks it's not about her being more "femme" but about her being more flirty and sexual. I identify as demisexual myself but Raven clearly doesn't. It's another thing that has gotten me confused about what my "final sexuality" would be.
Is that a thing actually? I think I read about sexual alters somewhere which are there to deal with sexual stuff, and I know Raven is always there during anything sexual as if to check/assure it goes well... but sometimes I don't know if I read things or dreamt them.

Anyways, thank you both. I still feel anxious about it but now I can remember what you said and feel reassured.

~ Grey

You're welcome.

We're self conscious about our looks and weight so we don't dress in anything revealing, but that may change as we lose weight. I (Violette) know that Vera, Angel and a few others want to.

Regarding how you will be in the future...don't think about it too much.Focus on healing in the here and now. You may find fusion to be difficult or impossible even as you heal. It might be that you just reach a level of functionality.

Take care,
Violette

Greetings,

This is Kay, holding the fort during today's workday as it caused my host too much anxiety to sleep last night. Seeing as Raven has been lurking here, I have been keeping an eye to see if she causes trouble.

My host is considerably underweight, although it is trying to convince her of this at times. She has been treated for anorexia in the past.

I see my gender, or the lack of it, is causing her distress. I thank you all for giving her means to cope. I will attempt to speak to her and reassure her about the matter soon.

Kind regards,

Kay

Triskelion wrote:

ArbreMonde wrote:It does make sense. Refusing to label properly a disability or disorder is ableist, period. It's like saying the issue is the label and that making the label disappear will make the the issue disappear.

This! Precisely this! This is what I've been trying to put into words. It's like even psychologists are trying to erase mental health problems. As if the solution is merely to learn to think logically or something.

I'm sure there's people out there who are too quick to assume something is wrong, but most people assume the opposite and saying things like these psychologists say makes them not want to look for help.

Anyways, life update:
- Starting to get used to calling Sword Raven and Shield Kay. They are both still fine with the old names I gave them but they see them now more as code names.

- The more I'm getting into the mindset of "my alters are dissociated parts of myself and we are technically the same person, because we're only one brain", the more I worry about my gender identity -- which is odd because I've always felt like I don't care about that. People are what they are. Just be comfortably you. But now because Kay experiences dysphoria whenever my period comes around as well in other moments, I'm worried that once I'm healed I won't actually be as female as I think I am now... and it honestly scares me a little which is again weird, but it is what it is.

- The previous part plus the fact that I'm afraid it'll be too quiet in my head when I heal because my alters will merge with me gives me pause in my recovery process. I don't want them to go away. Every time it's a little quiet, I find myself looking for them now.

- Lastly, I'm m more or less convinced that I should have had a bipolar diagnoses. Instead of seeing a therapist, I will finish up this school year at work and then see my GP to explain the situation. She should have my medical record too and then I can ask for a diagnosis just for peace of mind. I don't want to take medicine for it. I've decided I'd rather struggle with it and use the methods I was taught for Borderline to cope. I know most people will tell me to take the meds but I have a very bad relationship with medicine because of my parents plus I'm afraid of what medicine like Lithium do to you in the long run.

That's where we're at now, I think...

Oh no, the situation with N. I've decided to try out playing online games with her. I'll ask her if she's up for that too when I sent the first message (it's been 20+ days). That way we won't be in a situation where all we can do is talk when I'm not ready for that and we can slowly build a new bond through shared time doing something fun. I also won't have to actually talk to her yet while at the same time showing that I haven't abandoned her which I feel is the best first step.

Now I'm done.

Take care all,

~ Grey

I'mnot sure if this will help, but in regards to gender just try see where things go I guess. We have a friend with DID, and they used to identify as a woman, but over time they started discovering male alters and if it weren't for their current boyfriend, they promised one of said male alters that they'd start testosterone. I'm not saying that will be you, but there's also a big range of expression between being a woman and being a man too. This friend doesn't ID as a man, just as nonbinary, and between their alters they present as being genderfluid. Clothing can be a good way to explore things, and if you do ever decide to medically transition, there's a lot of space between your body's natural estrogen, and a full dose of testosterone. Our brother knows a few lesbians on low-dose testosterone because extra body-hair makes them feel happier.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are ways to explore this without necessarily picking something. On the other hand, I have a partner-system who's trans (We know too many trans systems) and their current host used to be a male alter and an introject from a TV show, and was uncomfortable when the then host and one of the littles asserted themselves as girls and decided to transition. However, she grew to like being a woman in her own way, and is now comfortable enough with the body to be a full-time host.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, you and your alters should explore this and find something that works best for all of you. THere's no shame in trying something out and realising it's not for you

Thanks for your reply Possum.

I've been trying things and finding them uncomfortable. I'm convinced of my own cis-female gender identity, but afraid it'll change if in the future my alters merge into one identity.
So Kay theorized that, going by the fact that we are in the end only one person with one brain, then it means the personality state 'Kay' and the state 'Raven' and the state 'Grey' all occupy a space in the brain that can't be the exact same "place". The brain needs to follow a different route to enact each personality. It's probable that the path to the identity 'Kay' doesn't follow the dominant gender identity pathing. When it's all healed, there will be one common route that does follow that path. She believes that we'd therefore end up female.

Does this make sense to any of you or is Kay just trying to assure me by any means possible ?

~ Grey

Triskelion wrote:Thanks for your reply Possum.

I've been trying things and finding them uncomfortable. I'm convinced of my own cis-female gender identity, but afraid it'll change if in the future my alters merge into one identity.
So Kay theorized that, going by the fact that we are in the end only one person with one brain, then it means the personality state 'Kay' and the state 'Raven' and the state 'Grey' all occupy a space in the brain that can't be the exact same "place". The brain needs to follow a different route to enact each personality. It's probable that the path to the identity 'Kay' doesn't follow the dominant gender identity pathing. When it's all healed, there will be one common route that does follow that path. She believes that we'd therefore end up female.

Does this make sense to any of you or is Kay just trying to assure me by any means possible ?

~ Grey

That does seem plausible based on what I know. It's also ok to be weirded out by what people in your body do, we've had male alters who wear our old boy clothes which made a lot of the girls a bit weirded out. Luckily that doesn't really happen any more, even though we can agree that none of us are quite women. These things will work themselves out, and no one's saying you have to stop being a woman if you want to be one

I agree. You'll find your own way of being "you-gender" eventually. Just try things out untill you find what clicks! And it's okay if your style and "gender vibe" changes with time! Clothes and makeup and accessories and haircuts can change many times through life and it's okay to have fun with all the possibilities.

Having a look at the drag scene especially interviews of drag persons explaining how they express and explore their gender through dressing as another gender can be helpful too, sometimes. At least, among the things that helped me was to listen to interviews of one specific french drag king. Helped me figure out that I'm a nonbinary guy who likes to use "girlish" things to express my gender. Though I don't remember what he said that helped me xD It's more of a general vibe I picked from him, I guess.

Sometimes we find answers in the weirdest places.