A very confused person

Eh. At this rate, seems to me Grey's so worried about not being cis that it'd be traumatic to be anything aside from cis, which would keep us in place and so she stays cis, no?

Can't believe the geniuses in this skull didn't think think of that.

Anyone got tips for managing work environments you got no skill for? I hate people and I'm not more fond of kids, but Grey gets sick with anxiety to even think about work, so it's up to me and White. So far we've managed by letting White deal with the busy hours, then she's spent and all I gotta do is get us back home, but White tires easily so that's not going to work forever.

Better yet, how do I get this idiot to not be so stressed?

Raven

Raven@Triskelion wrote:Anyone got tips for managing work environments you got no skill for?

If another alter has the skills, you can try taping into their skills, getting them to share the skills. One way to train to do this is to co-front: you get on front, manage the outside world etc. and they stay behind you with a hand on your shoulder sharing their skills and knowledge and giving you advices.

Raven@Triskelion wrote:Better yet, how do I get this idiot to not be so stressed?

Cognitive and behavioral therapy about stress management. You can find some books and exercises sheets online, most of them cost money of course...

Grounding helps too. Everything about building a sense of safety in the here and now helps.

Also, finding the reason WHY they are stressed and focusing there can be helpful. Example: if they are anxious about being hated by their workmates, trying to focus on the fact that the workmates might just be in a bad mood, stressed about work, mirror-dissociating because your system is dissociating due to stress, and also why is it important to be absolutely loved by the workmates, what are the consequences of not being liked by the workmates? And so on. There are tips on managing these things in "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" and in "Coping with trauma related dissociation" but there are also specialized books and exercises. (Yay, HOMEwork atop of WORKwork!)

I'm stressed because of workload and my boss not giving a damn about our mental wellbeing or communicating with us.

I've not been able to co-front at work. The tiniest thing happens and I end up with cramps, nausea, and a one way trip to the fogs of oblivion. Kay and Raven have only co-fronted successfully once in our life, but maybe they can try that out.

I just need a long holiday. I feel like I just want to sleep and not really get up again.

~ Grey

Trigger warning: sudden death of a loved one/ accident


It's taken a bit to be able to write this, but it felt like this journal was the best place to write what happened down.

It took the worst thing to happen for us (me, Kay and Raven) to be co-front all together. It happened almost a week ago now. It feels like yesterday. Our dad was on his way up the stairs. We recognise his footsteps. They sounded stable. And yet, out of nowhere, there was a bang, and we just knew it was something bad. We were right.
We ran down the stairs and dad was there, not moving not breathing. We checked his pulse, begged him to keep breathing -- somehow he did. An ambulance came, we went with him. Mom wasn't home. By the time she got to the ER, the doctors could deliver the bad news; they couldn't help him anymore. All that was left was to make him as comfortable as possible and wait for him to pass on.

All through it, the voices in our head - my head? - were clearer than ever. "We're here, we're getting through this together".
Grey relaying what happened and communicating with everyone.
Raven keeping track of our physical well-being, making sure we kept walking and drinking, even though the time at the hospital went on for hours and we had to stay awake through the entire night.
And Kay helped us to stay mentally stable. Stopped us from having a panic attack.
It has made it clear that there is no original. We are all one person, split apart somehow. Mind, body and soul.
If only we could have gotten to this realisation without our/my dad dying...
It's like a part of us is gone. Our life task to take care of our dad... it feels like failing even though we did all we could. It feels like losing both a child and a parent. It's surreal.
If only it weren't real at all.

Triskelion

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. Our system can come together well in an emergency like that to get through a difficult period, we do find it exhausting though and do eventually split off again but that doesn't mean yours will.

If you are a smaller system it will be easier for 3 of you to stay as one especially if you are all focused on the same goal. eg helping your mom through it all too.

Lily

Thank you.

It's been odd but we're doing what we can.

Honestly, being united like this is a pleasant change of pace since Raven and Kay usually argue so much. Now it's like a well oiled machine. They still are at odds every now and then so we're not quite there, but I'm pleased.

I went and made the appointment with the GP. There is a strong indication so far that I at least have bipolar. That makes it trickier to interpret the voices in my head, as they could also be hallucinations of a kind. They're awfully persistent in that case, but at this stage I don't think I'm too bothered by them so it's less likely to be diagnosed as DID in general. I'm not really experiencing real time lapses anymore either. I still clock out at times, but I get updated fast and I don't black out entirely.
I think I may have had a "DID" diagnosis in the past, but with thanks to all of you here and the research, it'd now be something "less severe".

We'll be fine it seems.

~ Grey

It's been a while, I've been busy, but I felt like this was a good time to update here.

1. I've been doing a Bachelor and so far I've passed every course in one go, but I suspect that since statistics came up that might change now. I'm rather anxious about that since I have to pass statistics or I will not be able to take certain courses next year, which means I will be set back a year and I can't afford that.

2. I've had several intakes and diagnostic interviews. The conclusion thus far is: Bipolar 1 (not borderline, so good job to Arbre for pointing that out waaaaay at the beginning of my journaling here that it didn't sound like borderline), with dissociation likely due to childhood trauma (they still don't do DID here, plus I told them I didn't want to treat it because it feels like currently it helps me more than it hurts me), and (C-)PTSD (which links into the previous). They've referred me to Bipolar specialists and the waitlist is a year, but at least the diagnosis was checked by 4 different psychiatrists and psychologists this time. Yay for being taken seriously.

3. I've been remembering things from my high school years and struggling to get to terms with them. Both trauma related things as well as manic episodes.

4. I've come to accept that the "friend" I thought I had was actually attracted to me and tried to gaslight me into thinking otherwise. I specifically remembered some things he said (I say he even though he claimed to be trans because I have cause to believe he lied about that to try and get close to me; though the experience has harmed my trust towards people, I am still very much supportive of trans people and think anyone should be comfortable in their own body using the pronouns they prefer). For example, he asked me and Raven during a dissociative episode to be his Dom and though we both declined and reminded him that I'm engaged, he tried to tell us that it was perfectly normal for friends to be in that type of relationship.
Currently feeling rather stupid for falling for that.

Think that covers the update. Hope you all have been fine meanwhile! I'll see if I can catch up on things around here.

Take care,

~Grey