A very confused person

You raise a fair point, it's just my finances that I struggle with. I already signed up for the study too so I'd have to get it sorted real quick and I don't think that's possible. I checked nearby places and none of them take new clients. I'm not sure for how long the institute I was at keeps records in case of a relapse. Some sites say 20 years and others say 10. If it's 10, I might be too late to go back through those means. If it's 20 ... well then there's no rush.

So, I just wanted to say that this, what I'm currently going through is what I mean when I say I randomly get energetic and high.
I love new years. It's my favourite celebration in the year because I've always loved the colour of the fireworks. This year was the first year that I felt sad and tired through it. I could barely motivate myself to do anything, I didn't feel excited, I was anxious about all sorts of things that normally don't bother me quite as much etc.

Yesterday, out of nowhere, I randomly don't need half as much sleep to feel awake and active (the same poor sleep will now have me energized with only 8 hours of sleep while at first I wasn't even OK at 10 hours of sleep). I've had an increased need of interest in... all sorts of things. I know I don't want to go to work tomorrow, but not because I don't have the energy but because I have all these other things I'm more interested in doing. I'm not even anxious about an upcoming entrance test for my study and normally I totally am. When I look in the mirror, I don't feel like I look old and ugly and fat. I don't even hate my messy curls and waves when I get out of bed or out of the shower (though I do still feel I look better when I've straightened my hair). Instead of assuming I'm to blame for arguments and lingering on it, I tell people "I did this, you did that, and now we make up and move on". Almost like Elsa in the first Frozen movie.
And absolutely nothing changed! My situation is the exact same as it was before this.

It's not quite the way it has been in previous times where I wonder if secretly have ADHD, but it's like I'm randomly cured from depression. Is that adrenaline? Is that Sword/Raven influencing my mood and if so why can't we manage to do that more often?

It sounds frustrating but at this point I can't help but laugh about it.
I feel like I'm so bloody weird.

~ Grey

It sometimes happens that in dissociation, one dissociated part contains the depression, one contains the ADHD hyperactivity etc. But it does not rule out other things, not without a strong differential diagnosis.

I totally understand why you're so confused: it IS confusing. So many symptoms are criss-crossing with each-other at the same time!

Yes, it is a lot of symptoms. I've heard my case was complex back when I started therapy. That's why I got bounced to different therapists and a psychiatrist. Sometimes it makes me think "maybe this is normal and I'm just being dramatic about it" and other times it makes me think "damn, I must be really messed up".

Update of the day:
3 hours and 15 minutes of sleep, let's goooo!

~ Grey

Update 2: That feeling when you're having a good time and people act all suspicious about it and ask if you've been using when you never went anywhere near the stuff in your life .... uuuuugh What do you want from me?

~ Grey

It's been a few days and a lot is going on and I'm not sure where to ask my questions so I decided to just stick to my journey thread to ask. So... buckle up to anyone who is reading.

Let's start with the simple mood diary thing. I've noticed that my baseline emotion and energy levels are high but it comes not with me being happy but rather me just being energetic, motivated, and irritatible. Things that usually don't bug me now annoy me immensely and I'm more well paranoid about things. I'm subconsciously looking for different meanings and ulterior motives behind what people say and do. It's when I realised that I started recalling other times I was like this and it went straight to 2 occassions:
- I thought at a certain time that I was the portal to a different world and magical creatures came through it to possess me.
- At a different point I was convinced that I was being hunted by shadow creatures.

It took me waaaaay to long to think about this but now I think... this is psychosis, isn't? I recall feeling stupid and embarassed after these thoughts passed. Like: how did I think that was real?
But I never got in trouble for it. I'm pretty sure I told friends about the portal thing and they played along?
I initially thought maybe this had to do with my alters but their voices have persisted even when I'm calm and rational.
The other situation I was in therapy. I told my therapists and psychiatrist and they put me on meds and then said it was stress related hallucinations because of borderline. But I think the hallucinations caused stress and not the other way around.

Then there's this other bit where my alters have been going back and forth with opinions of a friend of mine. For those who have been following my thread, you can maybe guess who is who: one doesn't trust my friend and thinks they have ulterior motives. The other thinks that my friend is just very friendly and that overthinking it will just make me anxious and angry.
It's ended up with me sharing my concerns with my partner and my "brother". They both immediately thought the same thing: "your friend has a crush on you". I thought I might have cgiven a biased impression so I showed them quotes and stuff which they based their opinion on. I wasn't convinced so I asked others and looked up all these silly how to's etc. Everyone and everything is in agreement except for me and the one alter (Shield, in case some of you were still wondering).
I tried confronting this friend a long time ago when I suspected the same thing but she was adamant that she didn't have a crush. Since then I've learned that she lies about when she's upset because she's afraid l'll get angry and ghost her (she has no cause to think I do this cause I never did this to her or even suggested I would). Now I feel like she's been lying to me and I'm not sure what to do. I just wish that she'd confess to me so she can get over it.

Some things that made me question if she has a crush on me are:
- She messages me 'good morning' and 'good night' even though I'm not even online. I've told her that I considered this flirty back when I confronted her about her possibly having a crush on me and she told me it's normal for friends to do that. Which meant she kept doing it.
- I nag her about things and get mad at things she does and she always excuses my behaviour for me.
- She messages me every day and immediately comes online when I reply, even if she's at work.
- She plays games she is not interested just to play with me.
- She only talks to my partner about me. She got me presents for my birthday and asked her if it was nice. She forgot entirely about my partner's birthday though.
- When she came to our place, I made the mistake of watching movies in my bedroom. At first my partner and I sat on the bed and we had a chair for my friend. Then my partner went to cook and my friend asked to sit on the bed with me cause the chair got uncomfortable. I said okay because I thought that's okay with a friend right (I'm stupid, I know). Then I noticed she sat in the exact same way I did. And my friend is still very much in a male body so I doubt that was as comfortable for her as it was for me. Then I noticed that every time I glanced her way, she would be very interested in one of my cats. Like right that second. One moment I was watching the movie, another I felt like she wasn't watching anymore, so I'd glance over and she'd suddenly look down to the cat on her lap and be overly distracted by the cat. I get the notion she was pretending not to look at me.
- Ever since I noticed she mimics my movements, I've noticed she mimics my speech and writing habits too.

Sword says that if I don't solve the issue, she will do it for me (bad idea). Shield is trying to reason with her that we should instead just put up boundaries without confronting her and if there is an issue it will fix itself. I only know I don't trust my friend anymore and that, that is upsetting.

I just wish I could have a good friend who doesn't end up interested in me.

That was quite the rant again. Thanks for reading this.

~ Grey

Well, this entire post may need a trigger warning for gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, death, and obsessiveness so putting that here in advance.


I decided that if any of my alters is suspicious about my friend then I should be too or I should at least check properly even if the suspicious alter generally harbours a dislike and distrust for humanity. I added that to my own growing discomfort and frustration and checked out the whole situation properly for myself, then confronted my friend one more time, but this time I wouldn't let her distract or gaslight me. Every time I told her about things that frustrated me or made me uncomfortable, she'd start sulking and saying she thought that's just what best friends do. Sword/Raven would always tell me "that's an excuse, she's tricking you". I should have listened sooner, but I see now that my 'friend' (I'm not sure I should call her that anymore, I'll call her N for now) managed to strike where I'm most vulnerable: I don't know what an actual friend acts like.
All the people who I remember got close to me in the past to be "friends" were either into me, trying to abuse me and/or my kindness, or trying to become me (why anyone would want to is beyond me). The last one turns out applies to N. She admitted to it, much to my surprise cause I was rather convinced about her having a crush on me. It makes sense in hindsight. I straight up told N that the last person who was obsessed with me is now dead (this girl developed anorexia like me only I managed to cope and she didn't). Then I told N I needed space and boundaries but I don't know what normal boundaries are.

I have a few friends currently but one of them is my ex and the relation is tense because of it. Haven't seen her in at least 4 years.
Another friend is from high school of whom I don't know how I befriended him because that memory is part of my memory gap. He's great. I speak to him once every half-year or something.
Then there's a couple I maybe see once a year. I vaguely remember taking creative writing classes with the girl and classes on language history with the guy.
Lastly I have my partner (who is obviously a case with different boundaries) and a friend who I see as my brother. We met through the same website as I met my partner, and he lives in a different continent so I've never met in person, only through video chat. We game once a week and send regular messages. He feels different than just a friend to me but I suppose this is as close as it gets for normal friend boundaries?
N would message me daily and if I didn't respond for a few hours, she'd get worried. She'd message me if I was okay, and try to get my attention in the group chat she'd never use to talk to the others in the group chat. I may not know much, but I know that's not normal, but she made me think it was and I, not having any comparisons to draw, fell for it.

I feel so stupid and naive. Why would she want to be like me? I'm a mess. I feel like I don't know who I've been talking to and trusted all this time.

Of course, Sword sees this as confirmation of her mindset. "See? I told you she was lying. Told you you couldn't trust her. All people are like this. Use or be used." At this rate, I don't think I'll ever convince her otherwise. I don't think I want to either.
Kay warns me not to lose my empathy because it's a beautiful thing. I don't know how to be empathic if it keeps getting used against me.

That's the last of that.

As for my mood diary, starting to see that my alters stabilise somehow whatever other disorder I might have. Whenever I get too "hyper" and "irritated", Kay helps me settle down.
Whenever I'm not energetic or motivated, Sword/Raven riles me up.
When I hear or see things that aren't there, they help me rationalise, even if they see it too. For all the issues they come with, I'm glad they are there too. I understand how them doing this complicates the matter of diagnosing me.
I'm not sure if I mind. I'll just list the facts and bring them to the therapist when the time comes.

That's it for now. I need to take a breather from all this.

~ Grey

Hello!
I can't be of much help here, and it appears that many have already helped you more than I could have.
However, I still want to empathise.
I'm going through a lot of the same stuff, and from what little I've been able to find online, so have many others. I really apreciate being able to see these struggles in others because it makes them more real, if that makes sense.
Anyway, Idon't have advice but Passion had to share as always so here we are. I hope you find some answers soon!

Thank you for your sympathy, Arcanist.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling though. I hope you've found some helpful advice in this thread for your personal situation.

I haven't got answers regarding my latest issue. Still as lost as before. Still as confused as to why people would choose me to obsess over. Still as oblivious as to how to maintain boundaries as before.

~ Grey

Boundaries are hard to learn for us traumatized people.

Rule of thumb: if something makes you feel uncomfortable or anything like that, set a boundary here. Boundaries can move with time or according to many factors (the person you are with, if you are tired or not...) and it's okay.

A boundary can be a simple as saying "not today" or "I need time to think about this" or "ight imma head out" Spongebob style.

Friends never push you past a boundary and never guilt you for having boundaries. And if they ever do so by mistake, they apologize when you tell them that it was too far or hurtful.

It took me a lot of books and specialized social media accounts and YouTube videos by trauma therapists on the subject to learn about boundaries in theory. And a lot of repeated positive experiences to really learn it on an emotional level. It takes time but it's worth the effort. The earlier you start learning and experiencing the easier it is.

You can do it! Yay! You are the best! Yay! TEAMWORK!

What boundaries? She's too nice. Too quick to bend to another's will. Move the border, wipe the line away and draw it elsewhere. Afraid to hurt another. Thinks it better if we hurt instead.

"We're stronger. We're used to it. We can adjust."

And then she breaks and we snap. And then folks leave us like we're the problem.

It's not worth it. They drain from our well till it runs dry. Then they leave us empty. We warn her over and over. We try to be nice and well-spoken for her sake. Don't let others know we hate them. And we tell her all these people just steal from us. When will she learn? Humans can't be trusted.

Raven