Our first proper Integration (I think)

Jay here.... Yuna relaises how naIve she sounded now reading back this post. I think the difficulty is 'Yuna' is made up of a lot of Teen fragments that have been mentally stuck in the 80's for so many years that they alone just don't have the experience to be able to cope with life in this decade!

Although she's better than she was, having been forced to front when she found herself 'locked out front' after the stroke but we got more help initially naturally...now that support has gone she struggles despite her wish to be here for our brother.

Kit believes I should integrate with her (yuna) after all I was about in the teens also orginally identifying with the birth name, but also have more experience having also fronted in the second half of life (after name change) and now again in our 50's.

It seems Kit has decided when Bobby and Little Susie are ready she will integrate with them. It maybe a long way off yet considering LS is still only 6 and enjoying her inner life with her new 'inside family' members. For now Kit has changed role to caretaker of the inside and I (Jay) am effectively caretaker of the outside life.

Kit still believes the 'social mask alters' (ie past social hosts) should integrate with each other to help increase social skills and masking ability but remain seperate from the 'trauma holders' so we can function better when needed.

For now Yuna is voluntarily blending with me some of the time for short periods mainly for visiting bro or when Kate is out here helping with appointments so she (Yuna) can also learn from that.

Inca shares her time between helping me out here and being with Kit (they also have a strong bond and currently spending alot of time on Skyrim together when Kit does come out).

I thionk we will re-try an integration of some of us, but it maybe easier and/or more successful if we deal with the Tinnitus first which I think is the thing still triggering a lot of dissociation because we're been searching to find a cure for it rather than finding a way for us all to learn to live with it being there constantly.

Jay

We've had some success ...Jay and Yuna integrated on 2 Nov (an anniversary for us)... we will keep the name 'Jay' on here to mean 'current host' I feel like a mix of both but we haven't been actively communicating with each other as we did when we just blended to co-host.

I feel more like the body is mine and not like a 15yr old waking up years later with a much older body! I still have some difficulty relating to some past periods of life that I don't see 'as me' but I'm trying to remember I was masking so heavily in those days there was barely any sense of me anywhere near the front to cope with stuff.

I feel I relate more to the current RL nickname (family and neighbours call us etc) than I previously did..probably as our sibling uses that name and sees that [name] as 'his sister' now. Due to the big age gap I guess we have been [newer legal name] to him longer than he'd been calling us by the birth name.

Been able to 'turn off' the Tinnitus for several hours a day has been a great help!..though it's still there when take hearing aids out..the volume has been lower on the 'good side' when have taken them out.

Jay

UPDATE we kinda had partial success.... Yuna found the Tinnitus easier to deal with and the fatigue has improved...however we still seem to have a little 'bugbear' where Yuna is concerned ...in that Kate has to also be at the front and them working the body together...

When Kate's at the front with her everything is fine ...but if Kate returned 'inside' and Yuna needed to move she would do so as if only half the body worked. eg she could stand but would step forward with 'her leg' forward and drag the other because Kate wasn't 'working her side'...and similarly only use 'her arm' until Kate returned to the front...this has only been going on since the stroke and she was the one in the body at the time of it and the one who experienced one side being numb and weak..and feeling strange 'like it wasn't her arm'...

Most of us others were trapped inside for a while so when we re-emerged we didn't carry that memory or experience, the arm had also recovered feeling by the time most of us had re-emerged.

This happened with a past host (Maddie) when she experienced the cerebellar stroke (misdiagnosed as MS at the time) in our 30's, however we know that Maddie had no idea of any of the others whereas Yuna does and KNOWS that Kit for example could work both when she was coming out to do physio ...even only sitting exercises with the light strap on weights to re-strengthen the weak side. (lifting arm or leg up and down)...the stronger we have got the more confidence others got too..but Yuna still reverts back.

It's causing problems as Kate also wants to be able to spend time with other alters. we don't mind them sharing control of the body when they're out co-hosting together but Yuna won't switch to taking full control of the body even though we know both sides work well enough for us to manage getting around the house as others do it when they are at front!

We wonder if some of it is jealousy or emotional control to ensure Kate returns to the front and doesn't leave for too long if she knows Yuna won't attempt to use 'her side' until she returns making it more difficult to do anything without Kate having to return to help her??

In all other respects our disability is consistent with others hosting eg the Tinnitus is there for everyone unless they put the hearing aids in ,though some are better at ignoring it at different volume levels..its still consistently there and experienced by everyone who fronts.

For now Yuna & Kate have been sent inside..The others inside will try and find out whats going on with Yuna.

I (Jay) now have executive control again but am working with Kit & Bobby over winter on further improving strength and mobility as well as the Tinnitus Retrainig Program we are still trying to lower the volume for everyone's perception.

Jay