Supporting Wife with what could be DID

Good morning all,

I created this account to understand some ways in which I can best support my wife, who potentially has DID. We are both adults in our 30s.

She is not officially diagnosed, mainly because her experience doesn't seem to mirror 99% of experiences with DID that we have seen around over the decades, and because there is no benefit to a diagnosis.

Her situation, in short, is that she has two what could be Alters, I will call them W1 and W2. W1 is officially "in control" almost all of the time these days, is the person I first met and got to know. W2 used to be more active in past years (got to pick some classes at college, explore some of her own hobbies etc) but is fronting less these days.

The thing that differentiates this from most DID experiences and stories we have found is that W1 and W2 are always conscious at the same time, and are communicating at all times. There is never any instance of one taking over from the other and the other going dormant; however, W2 is more in the "back seat" these days and letting W1 drive. There are still some things wife does for W2 specifically (some hobbies, eating certain foods that W2 prefers over W1, things like that).

W1 and W2 are, as far as I can tell, never in conflict or fighting. W1 has described W2 as her "daemon" before (as in, His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman - a part of her soul that has been split off into its own person).

W1 and W2 both assured me they both love me, and from what I know of W2 I can comfortably say I love them both back. Recently, they have been trusting me more and more with being more expressive, and I got to talk to W2 for a few minutes recently which was charming and wonderful. I adore my wive(s) and I would like to understand how they are experiencing the world and how best to treat them without hurting anyone's feelings. Of course I will take their lead on this completely, but I was wondering if this is something someone else may have experienced and if they would be comfortable sharing their experience?

After reading some of the terms in the intro info post on this forum, I wonder if this is a form of "Co-consciousness" or being "Co-present" and "Co-hosting"?

Basically, I am married to W1 but W2 loves me, too and I love her, and I want to be able to encourage W2 to express herself more and things like that without upsetting any balance or hurting anyone's feelings on this, if that makes sense?

Thank you all for reading.
-Misi

Hi !

Welcome on this forum =)

The fact all known identities are conscious of each others, and there's minimal to no amnesia and "taking over the body" can happen.

In the DSM-V-TR, it can fall under the "OSDD-1" diagnosis : it looks like DID, but lack one feature for the diagnosis (in the case of your wife : she has separate identities without amnesia).

In the ICD-11, if the alternate identity sometimes takes over during emotional situations, under stress, intense anger, strong anxiety from identity 1, etc. AND there's amnesia for those moments, then it qualifies for the "partial DID" diagnosis. Otherwise, for the ICD, if there's no amnesia ever, it's not considered DID, but another dissociative disorder, and maybe a symptom of something different.

But what's makes me blink a bit is the fact there's no conflict between them. If there's no conflict, no amnesia, and since you didn't mention any symptoms related to PTSD or trauma, then... well, it's just how she lives. Some people can understand themselves with separate identities without qualifying for a diagnosis or disorder (we lack proper studies on this population, so I'll not elaborate further). And DID is a disorder. It implies the lack of ability to function properly in at least one area of the daily life and/or suffering.

So... her experiences might look like mine, who has healed my DID and live with two separate (not dissociated) identities without any trouble or dissociative symptoms left + minimal PTSD symptoms from one unhealed trauma (I don't even qualify for a PTSD diagnosis even with them)... but that's not DID anymore. It's functional multiplicity or healed DID.

If you just didn't mention things that would make her experience a struggle, then I'll say I disagree with the "no benefit for a diagnosis". The situation is, like you said, unusual for DID... but it's common for people with borderline personality disorder who also happen to have heavy dissociative symptoms. It's easy for them to understand the dissociated parts of themselves almost like a DID person would - specially if they know a bit about DID.

Just to clarify: it doesn't make the dissociative parts less real! BPD is understood as a dissociative disorder by various specialists in the field. It just means they don't totally work like dissociative parts in DID. And because of how BPD works, the difference between DID and BPD is important to make. Some approaches or concepts use for DID aren't useful at all for BPD. They might "freeze" or increase some symptoms instead of healing them (specially those around identity confusion).

Either way, the best way to support your wife, it's for both of you to learn about dissociative disorders, to be careful and critical about what you read, and ask her what would be useful in her case. We're all different, with different needs and way to function. You can start with the book "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" written by Janina Fisher. It's primarily for therapists, but it is quite accessible. It talks about anyone with dissociative parts and insecure attachment, so it can apply to DID and BPD with no risk of making things worse. There are other books and resources aimed at DID you can find in this resources thread.

But, for example, I never needed my partner to do anything for me related to my DID. My ex-girlfriend tried to do stuff, most of it was making us very uncomfortable. It helped me more that they treated us as a single person, and just be comprehensive when weird stuff happened. Help with grounding when in a flashback or panic attack was nice, but not absolutely needed from them. etc.

Hope it helps!

But, for example, I never needed my partner to do anything for me related to my DID. My ex-girlfriend tried to do stuff, most of it was making us very uncomfortable. It helped me more that they treated us as a single person, and just be comprehensive when weird stuff happened. Help with grounding when in a flashback or panic attack was nice, but not absolutely needed from them. etc.

About that, I realized too late to edit my post that I forgot the last part of my thought: it was my needs. Someone else with DID might need external help to ground, could benefit a lot from having assistance to reorient themselves in time and space when a dissociative crisis hits them, etc.
Everybody is different, so you just have to ask, and try to see what might or might not work!

anonymisiert wrote:She is not officially diagnosed, mainly because her experience doesn't seem to mirror 99% of experiences with DID that we have seen around over the decades

Like Dwelt said, there are many dissociative disorders so if she checks only some of DID symptoms she might be another type of dissociative disorder.

anonymisiert wrote:and because there is no benefit to a diagnosis

Why would there be no benefit? You come here seeking for help. A therapist could help, too. A diagnosis can give you the name of the tools and therapies that are the best fit for her instead of just throwing a post on a forum hoping that strangers can therapy your wife based upon your own obervations of her life and needs. (--_--)

anonymisiert wrote:The thing that differentiates this from most DID experiences and stories we have found is that W1 and W2 are always conscious at the same time, and are communicating at all times.

Could be DID on the healing, could be OSDD, could be many things really. She needs a proper diagnosis to know and understand the category of dissociation she falls under and what therapy is best for her. Or maybe none at all since she is not the one posting, she is not the one wanting help. Either she does not need help or is not ready yet to get help. Anyway, you cannot barge in trying to be a savior without her consent.

anonymisiert wrote:W1 has described W2 as her "daemon" before

There are some groups of people who use dissociation as a spiritual / healing / introspection tool. Pulmann's dæmons are one way of doing/understanding it. Two identities, one being. That's just how things are for some people. That's how things were for Plato as an example (he was ye olde inspiration for Pulmann's dæmons).

anonymisiert wrote:I would like to understand how they are experiencing the world and how best to treat them without hurting anyone's feelings.

Ask them. We are not in your wife's head. We cannot tell what she is thinking.

anonymisiert wrote:I was wondering if this is something someone else may have experienced and if they would be comfortable sharing their experience?

I have healed DID (functional multiplicity, i.e. I have many identities but they are all me, just different shades of me), my partner has DID in the healing. We just communicate a lot about what are our emotions and limits, what we are comfortable sharing or doing at any given point.

Just like any couple should be doing all the time.

There are online consent checklists you can use as a basis of discussion, journalling prompts too. Just make sure you participate in this too. You are in this relationship, your wife needs to know about you just like you want to know about her identities.

anonymisiert wrote:Basically, I am married to W1 but W2 loves me, too and I love her, and I want to be able to encourage W2 to express herself more and things like that without upsetting any balance or hurting anyone's feelings on this, if that makes sense?

Basically you are married to both since they are both your wife, just different aspects of her. Everybody has different aspects to their self, most of the people have one umbrella identity for all of their aspects, other people have different identities or shades of identities, more or less dissociated/separated. But W1 and W2 are your wife at the same time. Just different aspects of her.

I know it's confusing to understand that many identities can be the same person. Maybe you are the one who needs to check in with a therapist specialized in dissociation so you can better wrap your head around this concept. It's a complicated and abstract one after all.

Hi, this is Violette,

I'm going to add something else. I agree with both Arbremonde and Dwelt about this subject, but I would also like to add that if this is DID then there is always the likelihood of more alters who haven't fronted and the other two aren't aware of. Our system spent several years with a few of us being semi-aware of each other. If your wife does have DID, it is quite possible that her system has created an elaborate fantasy to make her childhood seem normal.

This is a delicate matter, and her seeing a therapist would be a good idea, if she wants to.

Take care,
Violette