Previous Front Now a Child, Apparently???

OK, let me start this off with a trigger warning for mention of past abuse and probably other stuff, too.

Lily here. As I recently described in my introductory post (New Here, New Front, Have Questions), I became our new front a little over a month ago. It was the result of the previous front, who had been so for pretty much all our lives, realizing that he was the source of many of our current problems. Or, rather, his maladapted application of survival strategies from the environment we grew up in into the one we inhabit now was.

For a time after Jayce, the old host, gave up the front, he went to sleep. But then he started waking up for stretches. He mostly just sat in a corner of the inner world room we were in, a blanket over his shoulders, staring a thousand yards off into space. He’d respond if you spoke to him, but would not engage. I think he had been trying so hard to put up a front of functionality, and so unable to address his trauma, for so long that the front was all he had left, at the end. And, with that gone, he seemed to find his true level of dysfunction, as it were.

After a couple weeks of that, he went to sleep again. Then, a couple of days ago, he woke up again. Only now he seems to be an 8 or 9 year old child.

What? WHAT???

We have no idea what is going on. Ideas and/or advice would be welcome.

I will note that letting go of control was not easy for him. On the few occasions he spoke to me after the switch, he was critical of how I was handling things. When he had flashbacks, his reactions were so loud that they overwhelmed me, incapacitated me. And now, he is different with me. He seems to look at me like his cool big sister or babysitter or something. He listens to me. And his reactions are not as loud, almost manageable. And he is kind of functional now, at least more than he was.

He doesn’t remember a lot. Or so it seems. Although he still suffers flashbacks from things that happened after his apparent current age.

What’s going on? Is he a child now? Is he an adult wearing a child mask, so to speak? And why is he doing this? Is it even a conscious act?

This isn’t the only change since I became front, either. The Wolf’s coat has changed from black to gray. And his personality has gone from “rage monster” to “gentle giant.” It is a change that has been developing for years, as we processed trauma. But the recent switch seemed to complete the process all of a sudden.

So, anyone have any ideas?

How old are you? - the physical body I mean? or maybe there's health issues they are responding to?

Systems do evolve naturally over the years. Our system has completely changed several times when we went from fully mobile to wheelchair user practically overnight back in our 30's (cerebellar stroke) ..and again when we started peri-menopause (40's) ..and again as we've had another stroke in our 50's during the pandemic (which more affected memory and stuff like attention, planning etc than physical this time). We are also autistic so our brain has had a LOT of stuff to deal with!

Also the previous hosts when we were fully mobile at university, work etc had no idea they were others, they weren't connected, some have re-emerged having lived inside for years, not being out since childhood, others have been discovered who have never fronted. Some are 'versions of past host' some are spirits, fictives, non-human!

Medical trauma was our huge trauma with one of ours hating all physical contact due to been pinned down for medical procedures and due to childhood seizures and probably restrained to autistic/challenging behaviour in the early years... so there is quite a difference in level of functioning or was before we all knew about each other and started working together better. The fact we still have health issues as an adult means of course we can't completely escape medical issues! ..and being autistic and seeing alot of things as traumatic (that maybe NT's wouldn't) some of us are constantly re-triggered! ..unless we control our life very tightly and greatly restrict daily life.

One of our littles' grew up temporarily after being trapped near the front after the last stroke ...then decided they preferred the child physical form and have returned inside ..taking the adult knowledge (of everything we've learned about being DID but choosing to return to their internal 10yr old physical body). Several of our system are genderless 'age-sliders'...could yours be an 'age-silder''?

Jay

Sometimes for altrs it is safer for them to never grow up. Peter one of our littles refuses to grow beyond 7 and our T told us never to force the issue. Something major happened after our 7th birthday that if Peter were to remember it would destroy him.

Its not uncommon for children who had parental responsibility for siblings or who were carers for adults to act and appear older but who where and always have been children. Its possible that your new little was always 8 but he was putting on a front because he had to be the "man of the house" and look after everyone. Now you are front he can relax and just be a kid and start looking for the comfort that kids his age are supposed to get.

There are also age sliders, one of us naturally sits at 12 but she was told if she wants to enjoy more of outside life she has to be older as we are an adult with adult responsibilities. Especially as she had a crush on our partner who at the time couldn't tell us apart so when she was kissing with them there was the chance of things straying beyond what is acceptable for a tween relationship. She decided to slide to the age of consent for fronting. It was not an easy decision, to do it she has to absorb a trauma memory that cuts off her ability to use the voice box.

All in all this child presentation seems to be more comfortable for your alter and may always have been their true age. Just accept that this alter needs someone in their life to be a caring adult figure. You mentioned on the other post that this alter used to parrot stuff your abusive dad said. It is possible that the criticism of your fronting was the last gasp of the abuser programing trying to stay in control and the huddled in the corner (classic trauma response) was the visual manifestation of a battle to shed that programing, that the age your child alter is now is as old as he can get before the programing reasserts itself.

Child alters do not loose knowledge, they can learn a lot of stuff an irl child would not have access to. But the way they process the knowledge is different. How a child would emotionally react to learning about nuclear bombs is different to how an adult would react.
As for him not remembering its part of the age regression. It protects them. Peter has a whole area in our inerworld which we see as sinking sand. Any memory he was around for that occurred after we were 7 good or bad is in that sand. Currently trying to access the good memories is not possible without being hit by the bad memories, his flashbacks are debilitating. It will take intense therapy to separate them. Your child alter has found a point at which he can separate himself from the bad stuff a point where he didn't see himself as the cause of his own abuse. Remembering anything even good things after that point Leeds to the abuse becoming part of him again. He hasn't forgotten those memories he is refusing to remember, he has partitioned them, they may be under that blanket in the corner safely contained. Until you can get to a therapist who can aproch the trauma as if they were treating a child with ptsd id personaly advise you leave well Alone.

That's Interesting... I wonder if that's the reasoning why LS stays 6 and Bobby prefers 10?

This reminds us of Pippa. She has never moved passed the age of 13. She is still mature compared to most thirteen year olds, but she sees things as a young teen would. We actually had to have a discussion about not wanting to make everything pink. Our previous host, Bridgette, also pretty much regressed to that age in form, but from what we've pieced together she was always thirteen in terms of looking at the world. Or at least as thirteen as an autistic young teen would be. Marceline has also said she'll never grow up, and her reason (she's a child-bodied vampire) is sound.

As was said, This is just safer for certain alters. Bridgette prefers that age even if she will still sit and write long essays about her favorite subjects. It's, in a way, the last time she felt safe from the outer world. The same holds true for Gia. She's 'stuck' at age 6, but the world for her is scary and horrible. She doesn't understand anything and prefers to sit and color. A lot of it is about safety and security.

Vi

Ha! It seems like I came to the right place to seek knowledge!

TheTriForce wrote:How old are you? - the physical body I mean? or maybe there's health issues they are responding to?

51. And while we do have health issues, and mostly always have, nothing really much going on there right now.

TheTriForce wrote:One of our littles' grew up temporarily after being trapped near the front after the last stroke ...then decided they preferred the child physical form and have returned inside ..taking the adult knowledge (of everything we've learned about being DID but choosing to return to their internal 10yr old physical body)

Sounds like fun. Did you get the knowledge back?

Eliseahorse wrote:Its not uncommon for children who had parental responsibility for siblings or who were carers for adults to act and appear older but who where and always have been children. Its possible that your new little was always 8 but he was putting on a front because he had to be the "man of the house" and look after everyone. Now you are front he can relax and just be a kid and start looking for the comfort that kids his age are supposed to get.

Reading this hit me like a ton of bricks. I suspect that you are correct. And it does explain my lifelong feeling that I never really grew up, but was just acting like an adult.

And yes, I was a parentalized child. Was made responsible for my younger siblings. And, when my father was hospitalized long term, for figuring out how the printing equipment worked and keeping the family business running.

Eliseahorse wrote:All in all this child presentation seems to be more comfortable for your alter and may always have been their true age. Just accept that this alter needs someone in their life to be a caring adult figure.

Got it.

Voi ei, how did I go from being the immature kid sister to being the mature, responsible caretaker of everyone? My life has really been turned upside down recently.

Fortunately, I'm much better at handling change than the others! I guess we may vary somewhat in the way the autism stuff affects us.

Eliseahorse wrote:the age your child alter is now is as old as he can get before the programing reasserts itself

That makes a frightening amount of sense. The age he seems to be now is the age when we mostly lost hope, and everything became dark. And the specific incidents that caused that. Huh.

Eliseahorse wrote:id personaly advise you leave well Alone

I take the advice seriously and will follow it, though it opposes my natural inclinations on the matter. I fear that leaving trauma merely repressed will mean it is not only never healed, but that we will forever be subject to flashbacks and such. Especially because we have an unusual memory, in the autistic savant sense. I doubt, whatever the amnesia trick is, that it will hold out forever against that. Sooner or later, memories come to find us.

But, then, it's not as black and white as I'm making it out to be, is it? It's not like his repression and leaving well enough alone is all there is to it. He suffers flashbacks and such still. Those memories already leak out, just at a rate slow enough that he can bear it. And, as you observe, it is my job now to be the parental figure he never had, and help him deal with those memories when they happen, and to let it go when he forgets again. Maybe in that way, slowly, I can help him heal.

ViTheta wrote:A lot of it is about safety and security.

I hear you. I will place his feelings of safety and security here and now first. Healing must come second, and be natural, and at his own pace.

I suspect I have much to learn about being a parent.

To myself. Healing seems to somehow be making my life even more bizarre than it already was, and that's saying something.

Anyway, thank you all for so much great advice!

I've had to go through a similar process. We have six Littles ranging from Age 3 to Age 12 and a further three Middles (Teens) who range from Age 13 to 16. For the most part, they don't come out right now because we can't be alone enough for them to be comfortable doing so except fairly late at night, but we have coloring books for them and some dolls. In a way, the fact that we never really 'grew up' has helped since we still have a lot of our old toys and stuffed animals. We even have a teddy bear given to us by a friend a long time ago for the Littles if something is really bad.

Vi

ViTheta wrote:I've had to go through a similar process. We have six Littles ranging from Age 3 to Age 12 and a further three Middles (Teens) who range from Age 13 to 16. For the most part, they don't come out right now because we can't be alone enough for them to be comfortable doing so except fairly late at night

I am sorry for them. At least they have late at night.

Has this process helped them work through stuff? Or is it more of a maintenance thing?

-Lily

JayceSystem wrote:It was the result of the previous front, who had been so for pretty much all our lives, realizing that [...] his maladapted application of survival strategies [was causing issues].

[...] he went to sleep. But then he started waking up [...] Only now he seems to be an 8 or 9 year old child.

[...]

I will note that letting go of control was not easy for him. [...] And now, he is different with me. He seems to look at me like his cool big sister or babysitter or something. He listens to me. And his reactions are not as loud, almost manageable. And he is kind of functional now, at least more than he was.

He doesn’t remember a lot. Or so it seems. Although he still suffers flashbacks from things that happened after his apparent current age.

What’s going on? Is he a child now? Is he an adult wearing a child mask, so to speak? And why is he doing this? Is it even a conscious act?

JayceSystem wrote:This isn’t the only change since I became front, either. The Wolf’s coat has changed from black to gray. And his personality has gone from “rage monster” to “gentle giant.” It is a change that has been developing for years, as we processed trauma. But the recent switch seemed to complete the process all of a sudden.

The identities that your alters have are NOT something essential to their nature. NO IDENTITY IS. Identity is something that forms and builds upon our experiences and how we link them together.

Therefore it is no surprise to me that maladapted protectors will change identities as they become more adapted in their behavior and as they process and heal from trauma.

For the adult to child one, it seems to me that he is now accepting his own vulnerability, because he feel safe enough with you to be vulnerable. He seems to me that healing from trauma allows him to feel safe now with you and also, to feel safe enough to be a child with you. Safe enough to let go of maladapted control and allow you to carry on with more adapted behaviors. Which reflects on his inner identity, from adult to child.

Identity evolutions such as age-sliding are common in DID. They express the evolution of the system. Sometimes it goes one way (a traumatized child alter growing up into a balanced and happy adult) sometimes it goes the other way (a fierce adult alter finally realieing they can be a vulnerable child and be safe at the same time).

For the wolf, it is similar but the observed change is different. It sounds to me that as a whole, you tend to see black wolves as symbolizing something scary and fierce and violent while grey wolves symbolize more the "gentle giant", tame and caring and protective side of wolves. The change of coat color, like you pointed out, symbolizes that process.

Now that you know your system goes through such changes when something evolves inside, you can try to look for such evolutions to better understand who is healing and at what speed, try to guess what everybody needs to walk further along the healing path, and so on.

JayceSystem wrote:

Eliseahorse wrote:id personaly advise you leave well Alone

I take the advice seriously and will follow it, though it opposes my natural inclinations on the matter. I fear that leaving trauma merely repressed will mean it is not only never healed, but that we will forever be subject to flashbacks and such. Especially because we have an unusual memory, in the autistic savant sense. I doubt, whatever the amnesia trick is, that it will hold out forever against that. Sooner or later, memories come to find us.

But, then, it's not as black and white as I'm making it out to be, is it? It's not like his repression and leaving well enough alone is all there is to it. He suffers flashbacks and such still. Those memories already leak out, just at a rate slow enough that he can bear it. And, as you observe, it is my job now to be the parental figure he never had, and help him deal with those memories when they happen, and to let it go when he forgets again. Maybe in that way, slowly, I can help him heal.

I would not advise to just leave alters alone by themselves. I would rather advise to check what they need and how much of this. Some need more time than others to build a sense of safety in the here and now. But they all need to be cared for and grounded into the here and now.

Seeking triggering memories is a bad idea but there is a difference between seeking the traumatic memory and building a feeling a of safety. You can heal without remembering the triggering parts if you focus on building safety, adapted behavior and grounding into the here and now.

The memories of the past come back when we are ready to face them (or when triggered). I know it is scary not to remember but, hey, you are here and you are alive. It means that no matter what horrors lie in the past, you survived. That's a very good news isnt it?

I do not like the expression "autistic savant sense". It comes from an ableists perspective that the normal state of autism is to be dumb and cognitively impaired. The truth is, autism has nothing to do with IQ and you can have any IQ while being autistic. People with an IQ > 130 and autism at the same time are common. Having a good memory while being autistic is just, normal. Moreover, us autistics tend to be traumatized more often - and trauma keeps vivid and very detailed memories of the events. The link between "good memory of trauma" and "autism" is made through the sensitivity to trauma as a whole, not through autism in itself. Also what makes the "savant" part of autism is the autistic ability to hyperfocus on niche "savant" subjects. It is almost a derogatory way of saying "okay you know all about the genetics of cats but you're autistic and disabled in every other aspect of your life, remember that, you're no better than anyone" which comes from the allistic/neurotypical social behavior of always trying to one-up each-other. Because that's one of the main differences between autistic and non-autistic brains: autistic brains are specialized for information treatment (yay science!) while allistic/non-autistic brains are specialized for social interactions (yay social drama! subtexts! thinking with your emotions!)

Back to traumatic memories. When a trauma is not integrated/healed yet, it comes back as flashbacks to bite your backside. Building a sense of safety in the here and now can slowly undo the triggers. Building a secure attachment between the different alters of the system also helps to heal. You have stuff about how to feel safe in the here and now in "Coping with trauma related dissociation" and in "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors". And it DOES help to heal. Bit by bit. You are on the right track.