Grief and DID (tw for loss of a relative)

TW - implict talk about of the death of primary abuser's parent; cross posted from elsewhere online for wider reach bc we are really struggling ):

Recently, a family member (parent of our primary abuser) passed away, and it's hitting us a lot harder than expected.

Our kid parts are the big concern right now-- for context, they understand death as a concept biologically, but I keep hearing 'so [relative] isn't coming back?' inside, along with worries and fretting about some of our bigger parts' beliefs regarding death. Thus I think they're still having some struggles with death as a whole but it's hard for them to articulate what is difficult exactly.

We've looked at a few books for kids on grief and death; they seemed to help a little. Any other recommendations of titles is appreciated, as well as coping tips. Our kid parts range in age from under four to upper teens if that helps. We have a session with our T the day before we fly up for the funeral so I'm hoping that'll help.

Part of the issue, I think, is that all this is forcing us to spend a lot of time in the house where we were abused and with the primary and secondary abuser. So, thoughts on dealing with that are also welcome if anyone has some.

Thanks for any insights and advice you folks can give.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this.

In terms of helping younger ones cope, looking at books, like you're doing, is probably a big help. The very young ones might want the books read to them several times, and might need the same questions answered over and over. Repetition is really helpful and soothing for toddler/preschooler ages. Also, if they're having trouble articulating what's difficult, you could try having them draw their feelings. If you or they have good memories about this person, maybe you or they could write them out.

companionwolf wrote:all this is forcing us to spend a lot of time in the house where we were abused and with the primary and secondary abuser.

I guess you made a pros and cons list about whether or not to go to the funeral? And decided that the pros outweighed the cons? Funerals are for the living, so will it help you process the loss, and are there people you're going there to support? Or are you only going because it feels like there's some kind of obligation? And is it possible to stay somewhere else--an AirBnB or hotel? (I'm sure you've discussed all this with your T--it's just the way you phrased it about being "forced" to spend a lot of time where you were abused that made me wonder if you didn't even consider not going, or at least not staying in that house).

I'm glad you'll get to see your T right before you leave.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:In terms of helping younger ones cope, looking at books, like you're doing, is probably a big help. The very young ones might want the books read to them several times, and might need the same questions answered over and over. Repetition is really helpful and soothing for toddler/preschooler ages. Also, if they're having trouble articulating what's difficult, you could try having them draw their feelings. If you or they have good memories about this person, maybe you or they could write them out.

This is a really good insight, thank you. We'll try and re-read some of the books we found + also give folks some time to draw and / or write.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I guess you made a pros and cons list about whether or not to go to the funeral? And decided that the pros outweighed the cons? Funerals are for the living, so will it help you process the loss, and are there people you're going there to support? Or are you only going because it feels like there's some kind of obligation? And is it possible to stay somewhere else--an AirBnB or hotel? (I'm sure you've discussed all this with your T--it's just the way you phrased it about being "forced" to spend a lot of time where you were abused that made me wonder if you didn't even consider not going, or at least not staying in that house).

I'm glad you'll get to see your T right before you leave.

Because of the sudden nature of the loss, I didn't really get much time to sit down and do a pro cons list. Primary abuser is paying for the tickets to the funeral and already bought them so I feel like we can't back out now without him getting super angry. I think the funeral will be helpful, but... I'm not sure it'll be or has been worth all of this. I don't know. It's all really complex and hard right now. We get Thursday and Friday back at our house + the T session and then we fly up to the funeral.

This wouldn't be so hard if we didn't have to be in proximity to the primary abuser but because it was his parent, it's basically unavoidable. We are a bit...trapped -- we'll be staying at uncle and aunts house but primary abuser will stay there too and trying to go anywhere else would cause people to ask questions. Plus not enough money really. It's just. A crappy situation. I appreciate you bringing up that usually there is a option-- I tend to forget, and just default to 'endure it, survive it' which. Isn't very healthy or kind to anyone else in the system. ):

Thank you so so much for the reply, in any case. It means a tremendous amount to all of us here. Knowing someone hears and cares enough to offer suggestions is really important to us right now. So again, thank you.