Walking the cosmos (Narie's Systems Journey)

Walking the cosmos~
Narie's systems journey thread.

-Top post is a work in progress-

Welcome to my thread -

Hello there! Welcome to my journey thread! Feel free to comment, give advice, talk with us, and anything else you like. We will probably be using this as a combination of a 'life update' thread, and a journal for all of us. We have one physically.. but sometimes getting on the computer and typing things out is easier than sitting down and writing in a journal. Why.. we are unsure. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that someone could read this, or the fact that we can take the forum anywhere. Either way.. welcome, and I hope you enjoy your stay!

- Narie

Alter introductions -
Narie -
Jaiden -
Rosabella -
Micah -
Jasper -
Sebastian -
Loretta -
Princess -

Current months posts -

March 5th.

Previous months posts -

March 05, 2023 -

I decided I really wanted to start a journey thread. Especially today. Today has just.. massively sucked, and I feel like I am starting from ground zero.

Yesterday.. I had a falling out with my best friend.. and I worried that things were going to turn for the worse, and they did. They really did.. and here I am, about to spew my guts out to this forum, because.. I have no one else I can do so to.

Ever since she has brought me out here, literally across the country to come and join her, because she could see what was happening to me, to us (my DID), I feel like I have only caused her stress. We have always been.. a lot of things with one another. We have always been there for one another. To the point where we just literally would tell people 'this is my human'.. because we were everything to one another and nothing, all at the same time. We were best friends, we were sisters, we were lovers, we were each others emotional support human, we love each other, we almost dated, she owned me.. we were.. everything.. and it just seems like it all coming crashing down.

Last night, we tried to have sex.. and it just ended in disaster. It's a very very long story about how it got to that point, and an even longer story about how it fell apart. But.. anyway.. it did. So today, this morning.. when Jaiden finally woke up, she was already awake.. just laying besides us in bed, watching, playing on her phone, etc. I do not know what they talked about as I was still asleep.. but when I was awake.. things came crashing down. She told me how she felt like we were too much, how she felt like things were working. How I made her feel all of these things, that I never once intended to make her feel. How the things that I did, made her feel like trash.. and all she wanted was to give us what we needed. So she told us to tell her. To order her.. to give her orders about what we need.. because even though she felt like trash, she still wanted to give us what we needed.

I don't know.. it just feels like, so strange because we have always been close.. and I feel like in the last few months, after everything has happened, we do not communicate. We fight all the time. We argue all the time.. and we don't even know why we do it. We don't even know why our conversations go from being happy to where they end up. I used to want to blame it on some of our alters not getting along with her.. but I don't feel like I can anymore. I don't feel like I can blame all of this.. on people that may or may not live in my head. Sometimes I feel so alone.. even though I have a head full of people that try and comfort me.

So I sit here, in a coffee shop, with my books and my laptop, trying not to cry as I write this.. and trying to figure out where I go from here. She wants us to stop. To just be friends.. and that's fine, but with everything we have been.. to suddenly be cut off from that, I feel like a piece of me is missing now.. and I don't know what to do. I am lost.

I am worried that I will fracture again. I am worried that new alters will pop up in this time because it has happened before in a stressful situation with her. Micah was born from one of those. So I'm worried. I'm worried because I wish to take care of her, and I wish to be there for her.. but I can't, and I don't know how.. and now she wants even less to do with me.. so what do I do?

It's incredibly painful, both for me.. and my protectors because they do not know how to help me. They do not know what to say, how to comfort.. because all that I want is to be physically held and told it will be alright, even though I know deep down that it's not going to be, and it never will be. A pretty lie feels really good right about now though.. and they know I do not believe their lies to me.

I feel like I am breaking, and it is so painful.

- Narie

It really reminds me of how my current girlfriend and I almost broke up a couple years ago because we were constantly triggering each-other (we both have/had DID).

What helped us was to take time to interact through our not-traumatized-not-triggerable parts for a while, in the same time taking time to heal each on our own and learn about DID therapy and stuff like that.

Then we were able to talk again about how we were triggering each-other, apologize, and learn to better behave and better support each-other.

So, what to do? Take time with yourself. Allow all your system to comfort one-another without judgment. Try to figure out what were your triggers, how to heal them. Then with time and healing you will be able to learn what are your friend's triggers and how to avoid them. It will be up to your friend to learn how to soothe themself and heal their triggers, just like it is up to you to heal yours.

Fixing this is possible but it takes time and sometimes, outside help (professionnal therapist, etc). Sending lots of moral support.

Love your intro!

I can never figure out how to get pictures on it never seems to work, usually says file is too big and I don't have the technical knowledge to know how to make it smaller or into a thumbnail or whatever they call it!

We've had lots of great advice on here and I think there's no-one else can understand better than people who have lived with the condition themselves and further along in their journey...because it is a long journey!

Kit first brought us here around 2018 I think! Following a link about Maladaptive Daydreaming...I think she wasn't sure if we were just 'social masks' or 'imaginary friends'. In our 40's by then I guess she was thinking we can't still have imaginary friends that are so real and take over the body!

I'm quite late back to the system as full time host but I know Kit feels she learned a lot from here and all the knowledge has eventually slowly trickled down into the system so now everyone understands...so keep reading and learning and it will all get through to everyone eventually!

Jay

Narnie-

I wish I could help with regards to relationships, but we haven't had a girlfriend in a very long time. The only other system I know in a solid relationship has to do a lot of communication with her wife in order to not have things unravel.

I wanted to shift the discussion about gender expression over to here. We do several things to try and make our different alters happy. Even within a system that is almost all female, we struggle with varying degrees of expression. Some love to wear makeup and others don't. Some prefer feminine clothing and others don't. As Arbremonde said in the other thread, buying a binder isn't a bad idea if it helps alleviate the gender dysphoria that some of you feel. We're working on getting a more feminine wardrobe for some of us so that we don't feel like we're stuck in Beth's androgynous clothing choices.

I do hope things get better.
Take care,
Vi

March 14th 2023 -

It's been a couple days since I have been around and on the forums because.. literally right after my last post, it felt like everything went into motion really quickly. I got a job offer, which I accepted.. had to do testing (drug testing and a TB test as I am working with children), and a background check.. which only took a few days and then I was cleared.. and I just started yesterday. Started a gym membership, got sick with a throat infection and had to go to the urgent care now that I have medical in my state. And of course all the daily life goal things like, shopping.. and eating.. and trying to find some kind-of time to myself. So a lot of things were happening.. and I was busy every day. But I knew I wanted to come back and do an update and just.. write again. I need it. I need to unload a little bit again. So please.. bare with me. haha

So I am super excited.. because we just got a job working with kids. Something I always wanted to do. It's a non-profit (I won't write the name here for privacy protection for myself and my alters/little.) working with kids who have been diagnosed with intelligence disorders like autism and severe forms of ADHD, etc. It's basically a school, I will be working with kids doing basic education with them, and that's really exciting to me. It's also the first job I have had since (May be triggering - world event.) COVID times, considering I lost my job back in 2020 due to it. (End potential trigger.) It's also the first job that I have had since learning about my DID. So I am quite nervous to say the least. Day one of training (yesterday) was pretty easy going. I noticed I didn't have a lot of issues, thanks to Jaiden (my gatekeeper), he's been kinda keeping everyone at bay for a little bit.. but it did cause a headache toward the end of my orientation.

Today, they kind-of floated more.. and we had to do a lot of roleplay style situations in training today.. where my instructor was acting like a child, or a little. Which.. was surprisingly hard to deal with, and I did not realize. It was harder to deal with because it kept triggering our little, Princess. Whenever the instructor would get excited (while pretending to be a student), our little would get excited and wanted to come to the surface.. so many times I had to tell her that it wasn't the right time.. and I didn't anticipate this happening.. so I am nervous. nervous that one day I will not be able to control her. I will be working with children between the ages of 10 - 18.. so while I do not forsee an issue with the bigger kids, the younger ones are which concern me. My most active two are Jaiden and Bella, who tend to not care for taking care of children.. so they do not worry me, but she does.

I feel like it will be a struggle to keep her under control some days, and I will really have to mentally prep myself before I start the school day to make sure she does not make an unwanted or unneeded appearance through out the day as I do not always have full control over when we switch.

But.. on the brighter side of things, I am trying to work on us now. We are starting to eat healthier (more fruits, veggies and proteins and less carbs, fats, fried, etc.) and go to the gym. We've gone a total of twice now.. but we got a gym membership, and plan to go more. I've been drinking more water to add to this as well. (I have a hard time with water intake. I drink more soda and juice than I ever have of water.) So I am pretty proud of us, and Jaiden our primary protector is pretty proud of us too. So that makes me happy.

Next steps are gonna be to establish a primary care (doctor) so that I can then work on my mental health. I have wanted to for quite a while now, but the lack of money and insurance was a real issue. So I am really hoping to get that on track when I finally settle into my job. (I currently work 8am - 5pm, so there's not room for doctor appointments right now.)

I also am doing better with my friend. I know a lot of you commented on my last post about it, and I was so glad to read your responses, and I plan on commenting back, but I have limited time today, just as I have had all week. I so appreciate you visiting my thread, reading it and taking the time to comment! We have further worked things out between us.. and it makes me happy. Things are not 100% back to normal, but I think us both working now and having our own things to do, as well as wishing to do things together will allow us that time apart that we need so we are not in her space 24/7.

And finally.. I actually went on a date.. for the first time since like.. 2016. hahaha.
We met someone, and we got their phone number, and they asked us out to coffee. It was such a strange experience, but they were so nice, and Micah approved him already. haha. I look forward to also exploring that, and kinda getting to know him slowly. It'll be nice to have more friends out here regardless of outcome.

All in all, I am doing so much better these last few days, other than the nerves of course. haha.

It makes me happy.

- Narie.

That's a lot of good news, congratulations!

Do not hesitate to have a look at this website https://www.dis-sos.com/ they have a couple articles about how to manage Littles and how to manage everyday life too and therapy tips and tons of ressouces. I hope this helps!

Good Luck with your new job and everything. As you say it may help that you and your friend are not under each others feet all day and you may find things that help the kids at the school also help your littles?

Hopefully you'll find it easier to save for your own place too near your work even if it a bedsit to rent or something so you have your own space to return to if you want can still have sleepovers with your friend but you're not living in each others pockets constantly if you are both finding the situation difficult.

Jay

January 25th 2025 -

TWs: Therapy, Other mental disorders.

It's been a while since I posted on here, and I just really wanted to journal a little bit. I've been having a hard time with therapy lately. I went and finally started therapy at some point after joining this forum, and it's started to help.. but my therapist that I was seeing got promoted in her position and would no longer be taking on clients, so I was "given" to another.

My previous therapist was kind, knew how to work with me and was helping me along my journey. My biggest complaint was that she didn't want to work with the idea that I had DID, she was convinced that I had an internal family system. Every time we talked about it, it just never felt right. I don't see my others or my alters in the same way or light that she was trying to convince me that was true. I felt like because I don't have many of their stereotypical ideals of like violent alters (though I have a few), she wanted to dismiss it and tell me that it wasn't DID. Not to mention an IFS is a therapy technique, and not something someone just has.. at least from my own understanding of IFSs.

Everything I've learned about the disorder, and talking with and sharing experiences with other systems seem to match. I've even tried taking the online medical assessments that are meant to give you an idea if you may or may not have the disorder to speak with medical professionals about it. Every thing I have taken tells me that it is highly likely I have the disorder. I know it can take years to be officially diagnosed with DID, but it feels like no one takes me seriously about it.

I also don't care for my new therapist. I have only met with her a handful of times, but she honestly doesn't seem very knowledgeable about some mental disorders. I have already been successfully diagnosed with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder, and when I brought this up to her, her response was,"It's not possible for someone to have both of those disorders at one time." Yet... BPD is a disorder that effects my relationship with those around me, and being Bipolar is my own personal internal regulation of my own emotions, mental state and thoughts.

I don't know, it doesn't seem like a good fit and I don't know what to do. I honestly just want someone to take us seriously, and see that we are struggling as a system and wish to get the help that we both need, want and deserve. I'm tired of people telling me what is going on in my own head because it doesn't fit their textbook idea of different disorders.

Sigh.

- Narie

-- Sat Jan 25, 2025 11:16 pm --

Side note: Is it possible to edit my main post? lol

Narie wrote:Side note: Is it possible to edit my main post? lol

Generally, the time to edit a post can be measured in minutes before that window closes. I always suggest that folks who find themselves wishing to make numerous tweaks, to hash things out on a word editor first before submitting, you won't have long afterwards, to go back and make changes.

Definitely a word processor or notepad app is also for folks who prefer not to remain logged in (the tick box when you log in, to keep you automatically logged in)- it's extremely easy to inadvertently lose very long posts, if you don't keep that box ticked.