New system, hello! Struggling greatly.

I was interested in some of the journey threads here on the forum.

What sorts of things do you post in them? Is there like.. a guide to follow or is it literally just for journaling and others to comment? ^w^

- Narie, host.

We have some with 'challenging behaviours' they are used to living inside only and think the outside world rules don't apply to them cos if they did come out they did so 'in secret' and only for a short time usually when the host was home alone or if outside somewhere no-one else was about... They often liked to walk our dog very early in the morning setting off in the dark and reaching the unlit areas just as the sun is coming up so they're the first there.. we live rurally ...so its possible if out early enough to do the entire walk without seeing anyone!

The acting host at the time usually had no memory of what they did during the time the 'secret alters' had taken over whilst on the walk only that the dog had been walked already!

In fact our hosts that dealt with outside world life when it was busy in our younger years, never had any idea there were 'others'..some 'insiders' knew of each other though.

I am the 5th to be assigned 'full time host' in the bodies life time. I've been out for brief stints in the past and not yet sure how long I will be 'the front' for. some have done 10 years or more, others shorter periods/emergency cover (between full time ones being assigned)

We only discovered DID in our mid forties after the last full time host fell apart after grief, depression and then the body entering menopause started triggering several out in succession!

Jay

TheTriForce wrote:We have some with 'challenging behaviours' they are used to living inside only and think the outside world rules don't apply to them cos if they did come out they did so 'in secret' and only for a short time usually when the host was home alone or if outside somewhere no-one else was about... They often liked to walk our dog very early in the morning setting off in the dark and reaching the unlit areas just as the sun is coming up so they're the first there.. we live rurally ...so its possible if out early enough to do the entire walk without seeing anyone!

The acting host at the time usually had no memory of what they did during the time the 'secret alters' had taken over whilst on the walk only that the dog had been walked already!

In fact our hosts that dealt with outside world life when it was busy in our younger years, never had any idea there were 'others'..some 'insiders' knew of each other though.

I am the 5th to be assigned 'full time host' in the bodies life time. I've been out for brief stints in the past and not yet sure how long I will be 'the front' for. some have done 10 years or more, others shorter periods/emergency cover (between full time ones being assigned)

We only discovered DID in our mid forties after the last full time host fell apart after grief, depression and then the body entering menopause started triggering several out in succession!

Jay

Hi Jay!

We have always been aware of one of our malicious alters.. mostly because we were discovering about ourselves at the time, and our primary protector, Jaiden felt something, or someone whom he didn't know. It was a really strange experience for us, because we barely had accepted we were a system, and were becoming aware of the alters that had fronted prior with the help of my friend.. and this was someone who we knew nothing about. We call this a malicious alter for the themes they represent, if that's the best way to say it, I don't know. I'm still learning all the terms. ^w^

**Trigger Warning: Mentions of self harm and physical interaction (fighting).

The represent all the chaos that we are internally, really. One of the things we used to use to cope with everything we were going through was to self harm. It was one of those things that, could help us turn off our mental, with physical pain, and I assume this is where their malicious comes from. Mostly because they just want to recreate the chaos we are used to, around us now, even though we are no longer in our abusive home. They want to like.. burn bridges with people, and they try and influence my other alters to hurt ourselves, and try and annoy my best friend. But the reason I call them a malicious alter is because one of their traits is that they try and get people to hurt them, or us. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Hence why I think they come from my self-harm. When they first fronted, for the first time, my best friends protector, quite literally physically held them down (do not worry, it wasn't in an abusive way or physical torment, it was simply to get us to sit still, and trust me, my friend or their alters have never and would not hurt me) because they were trying to push them to attack them physically. Egging them on basically until he physically restrained them.

End trigger warning.**

It was rough.. and ever since then we have tried to keep them locked away. They have slipped out a few times, like Jaiden mentioned yesterday, they have scratched and clawed their way out, especially when Jaiden hasn't been able to stop them, though I partially blame myself for not knowing how to contain them either. I tend to remember a lot of their interactions because they do not tend to block. I think they do it as a means to try and hurt me too, because once they feel as if they have caused enough chaos, they will just walk away and leave me in the mess. There was one time they came out and harrassed my best friend until they were literally in tears, and then left me to clean everything up.

It has been really hard, honestly.. and it's one of mine and Jaiden's biggest stressers.

Some days, I wonder why they even exist, especially because after the advise from others here I have checked on them, but they do not ever wish to speak to me.. so I do not know why they are here, and what to do with them, other than to try and keep them out of the front.

I know it will take time, but I still wonder why, considering they do not wish to conceal anything, or have 'secret' outings as yours does.

- Narie, host.

Narie wrote:I was interested in some of the journey threads here on the forum.

What sorts of things do you post in them? Is there like.. a guide to follow or is it literally just for journaling and others to comment? ^w^

- Narie, host.

Hi Narie,

A journey thread is whatever you want to make of it. There's no guide. We use ours to help us keep track of how we're doing over time and sometimes to sort out issues that we're having. There are some alters who express themselves best in writing and it helps them to know that there are people reading it, and sometimes offering support.

--the Gang

TheGangsAllHere wrote:

Narie wrote:I was interested in some of the journey threads here on the forum.

What sorts of things do you post in them? Is there like.. a guide to follow or is it literally just for journaling and others to comment? ^w^

- Narie, host.

Hi Narie,

A journey thread is whatever you want to make of it. There's no guide. We use ours to help us keep track of how we're doing over time and sometimes to sort out issues that we're having. There are some alters who express themselves best in writing and it helps them to know that there are people reading it, and sometimes offering support.

--the Gang

Thank you guys!

I will have to sit down and decide what I would like to put in such a thread. I think it will be helpful for some of us to be able to sit down and write what we need to say, and know there are people out there who may or may not be reading it and may or may not be able to offer advice or helpful words. I really appreciate the response to that! ^w^

- Narie, host.

Narie wrote:
Hi Jay!

We have always been aware of one of our malicious alters.. mostly because we were discovering about ourselves at the time, and our primary protector, Jaiden felt something, or someone whom he didn't know. It was a really strange experience for us, because we barely had accepted we were a system, and were becoming aware of the alters that had fronted prior with the help of my friend.. and this was someone who we knew nothing about. We call this a malicious alter for the themes they represent, if that's the best way to say it, I don't know. I'm still learning all the terms. ^w^

**Trigger Warning: Mentions of self harm and physical interaction (fighting).

The represent all the chaos that we are internally, really. One of the things we used to use to cope with everything we were going through was to self harm. It was one of those things that, could help us turn off our mental, with physical pain, and I assume this is where their malicious comes from. Mostly because they just want to recreate the chaos we are used to, around us now, even though we are no longer in our abusive home. They want to like.. burn bridges with people, and they try and influence my other alters to hurt ourselves, and try and annoy my best friend. But the reason I call them a malicious alter is because one of their traits is that they try and get people to hurt them, or us. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Hence why I think they come from my self-harm. When they first fronted, for the first time, my best friends protector, quite literally physically held them down (do not worry, it wasn't in an abusive way or physical torment, it was simply to get us to sit still, and trust me, my friend or their alters have never and would not hurt me) because they were trying to push them to attack them physically. Egging them on basically until he physically restrained them.

End trigger warning.**

It was rough.. and ever since then we have tried to keep them locked away. They have slipped out a few times, like Jaiden mentioned yesterday, they have scratched and clawed their way out, especially when Jaiden hasn't been able to stop them, though I partially blame myself for not knowing how to contain them either. I tend to remember a lot of their interactions because they do not tend to block. I think they do it as a means to try and hurt me too, because once they feel as if they have caused enough chaos, they will just walk away and leave me in the mess. There was one time they came out and harrassed my best friend until they were literally in tears, and then left me to clean everything up.

It has been really hard, honestly.. and it's one of mine and Jaiden's biggest stressers.

Some days, I wonder why they even exist, especially because after the advise from others here I have checked on them, but they do not ever wish to speak to me.. so I do not know why they are here, and what to do with them, other than to try and keep them out of the front.

I know it will take time, but I still wonder why, considering they do not wish to conceal anything, or have 'secret' outings as yours does.

- Narie, host.

Hi again!

Sorry I hadn't seen this when I answered to Jaiden on the 'How are you today' thread! I think if their behaviour is related to an abuse situation (as opposed to child alter playing up) then they may do it because they think if they hurt the body it protects you from other people hurting the body or hurting you emotionally (so they try to break up friendships/burn bridges) or prevent 'attachment' to others incase they turned on you or something? It's quite common with persecutor/protector alters.

In which case you need to find a way to communicate to them that you are no longer in that situation or maybe that friend is on a 'safe list' or something??? Are you in country where you can access specialised DID help?

Jay

Hi Narnie-

Some of this might get triggering

Things have been a bit rough on our end, so we didn't get a chance to reply to your last post. Sorry about that.

To use our system, Marcus is, depending on the terminology, either a maladaptive protector or a persecutor. His role is to 'normalize' the abuse. He would reenact the abuse we were subjected to, including having us relive the incidents as nightmares so we couldn't sleep properly. Our sister even told us about an incident where he slammed her into a wall. We don't remember this incident and we remember snapping her bra strap as well as other sisterly incidents. He would hurt our cats and then switch out and leave whoever was now in the front to take the punishment. His behaviors made our mother certain we had schizophrenia and our aunt thought we were psychopathic. Over the years, he has snuck through and said bad things to people, and often helped push us away from others.

Back in college, we became friends with two wonderful women, but he kept goading us and making us frantic and we ended up driving them away.

This was all in a bid to make the abuse and pain seem normal. The only two girlfriends we've had were long distance and both were abusive and yet that was all we knew.

We took agency away from Marcus about eleven years ago now and since then have been able to make friends. We didn't even understood what we had done back then, but we took away his ability to hurt us. He still comes out sometimes to harass us, but he doesn't have the power he used to have. It is a long road to stop such harmful behaviors, and I know it is difficult. You will get there.

As for Lilith...she bears the worst of the gender dysphoria and caused a lot of physical harm over the years, but it was her way of coping. Like so much of our system, we have varying degrees of gender dysphoria, autism and (probably) ADHD. Once we knew all of that, we've been working with her a lot to alleviate her pains. She engaged in self harm a lot, and we even had to have surgery to fix the pain she caused.

I do hope you can work on things. It is not going to be easy and it is going to hurt.

Take care of yourself and be well,
Vi

ViTheta wrote:Hi Narnie-

Some of this might get triggering

Things have been a bit rough on our end, so we didn't get a chance to reply to your last post. Sorry about that.

To use our system, Marcus is, depending on the terminology, either a maladaptive protector or a persecutor. His role is to 'normalize' the abuse. He would reenact the abuse we were subjected to, including having us relive the incidents as nightmares so we couldn't sleep properly. Our sister even told us about an incident where he slammed her into a wall. We don't remember this incident and we remember snapping her bra strap as well as other sisterly incidents. He would hurt our cats and then switch out and leave whoever was now in the front to take the punishment. His behaviors made our mother certain we had schizophrenia and our aunt thought we were psychopathic. Over the years, he has snuck through and said bad things to people, and often helped push us away from others.

Back in college, we became friends with two wonderful women, but he kept goading us and making us frantic and we ended up driving them away.

This was all in a bid to make the abuse and pain seem normal. The only two girlfriends we've had were long distance and both were abusive and yet that was all we knew.

We took agency away from Marcus about eleven years ago now and since then have been able to make friends. We didn't even understood what we had done back then, but we took away his ability to hurt us. He still comes out sometimes to harass us, but he doesn't have the power he used to have. It is a long road to stop such harmful behaviors, and I know it is difficult. You will get there.

As for Lilith...she bears the worst of the gender dysphoria and caused a lot of physical harm over the years, but it was her way of coping. Like so much of our system, we have varying degrees of gender dysphoria, autism and (probably) ADHD. Once we knew all of that, we've been working with her a lot to alleviate her pains. She engaged in self harm a lot, and we even had to have surgery to fix the pain she caused.

I do hope you can work on things. It is not going to be easy and it is going to hurt.

Take care of yourself and be well,
Vi

Vi -

Some of this might be triggering as well-

I will say, reading that was.. difficult. Mostly because I feel like you are right. We are no longer living in a situation where we have to be.. worried about the abuse. My best friend.. is just that.. my best friend.. and even so, I feel like they come out to goad her, and try and get her alters to physically attack or hurt us, to try and replicate the abuse that we are used to.. because we feel unstable here. Not because it is bad here.. but because it is something completely foreign to us. Something we are not comfortable with. A place that is uncomfortable in general for us because it is no where near what we are used to. So it is really hard. Jaiden and I try and keep them away because all they are doing is hurting, causing pain. I do not yet know how to try and work with them. As Jaiden stated in the 'How are you today' thread, Alabaster, does not wish to communicate. They simply laugh. It is funny.. our pain.

That's the other thing too. My best friend, because she is her own system, tells me that.. me being afraid of it, and me being afraid of them, gives them power. And you mentioned that with Marcus. But.. I don't know how not to give them power. I don't know how not to be afraid of them, when I don't want to be my chaos anymore. I don't want to be my abuse anymore. I don't want to burn bridges and cause trouble. So I don't know how or what to do with it. I have just tried to lock it away instead.

As for Lilith, Jaiden feels for her. Our body is female, and we have more male alters than we do female. Jaiden is the one that experiences gender dysphoria the most. Mostly because he honestly hates our chest. haha. He's also.. very gay, and he can't understand the appeal of us. Jaiden has never wanted to self-harm us because of it though, as a protector I think he worries too much about us to do that. But, Jaiden understands how she feels. I'm glad you were able to work with her to alleviate those pains she was feeling.

- Narie.

Narie wrote:but because it is something completely foreign to us. Something we are not comfortable with. A place that is uncomfortable in general for us because it is no where near what we are used to.

The specific name for this is "phobia of the normal life". Living a normal life, without abuse, is so foreign that it becomes terrifying. There are chapters about this in the books I previously mentionned. Take it one step at a time. You can do it, gently, one step at a time.

Narie wrote:That's the other thing too. My best friend, because she is her own system, tells me that.. me being afraid of it, and me being afraid of them, gives them power.

Yes in a way, but not really. Inner phobias are normal when you are dissociated. Communication helps easing things out, one step at a time. There are a lot of advices about communications in the books I mentionned, as well as the websites from the Ressources thread. Locking the troublesome parts away is a temporary solution but it is exhausting on the long run. On the long run, communication and healing really helps. My own part "Zami" used to be one heck of a self-sabotage and self-harming part and the more I work with accepting and comforting their feelings and their hurts, while setting firm boundaries to the behaviors that are not acceptables, the easier it becomes. It is a lot of mourning to do about the past that happened and also the past that will never happen (e.g. I will never have a healthy and happy childhood) so there is a lot of pain to be felt and a lot of tears to be cried. But it helps to feel better afterwards.

Narie wrote:Mostly because he honestly hates our chest. haha.

You do not need to officially be a trans masculine person in order to buy a binder. You can wear a binder sometimes just because it's more comfy that day, because it looks better under specific clothes (just like other clothes look better with a push-up bra, or any other sort of underwear) and so on. Just make sure to buy a quality one and follow the safety manual for wearing.

With regards to a job we have found the best way is to accumulate them one hour at a time.

What I mean is rather than being full time employed in 1 job that only some of our alters are suited to we have 3 part time jobs all very different from each other that suit 3 different groups of alters.

This a) means everyone has a chance at feeling fullfillment/job satisfaction

B) its easier to get a part time job when you are ill because you (on paper) have the flexibility to swap shifts if your illness means you can't make a day. (We always tell potential employers that we are dedicated to the company so if medical appointments clashed with shifts we would seek to make the time up elsewhere and if we couldn't find someone to swap shifts with we would take the day off with no pay. Technically you are entitled to sick pay here but offering to forgo it makes you more valuable in their eyes because they get to tick the disability diversity box without risking the extra expense of employing a chronicle ill person)

C) getting a 5 hour job is easier here than getting a 20 hour job, do that 4 times over and voila you get 20 hours pay quicker than if you only ever applied for the 20 hour jobs.

D) if you ###$ up at work because the wrong alter was out and you get sacked from your only job you are screwed. If you have multiple jobs then you shrug your shoulders tighten the belt a little and prioritise rent, debt repayment, taxes, until you find those missing 5 hours.

Good luck