I'm So Confused

Long story incoming...

I was having a discussion with my partners a little while back about a few things, because I trust them above anyone else in my life to not judge me.

All three of us are role players and writers, so I felt it was a safe space to open up about my "muses"...You know, the characters that set up shop in my head. Well I was talking about how they talk all the time, they comment on things, they help with decisions. This has been going for as long as I can remember, which isn't saying much because huge chunks of my childhood and teen years are missing...Even some of my adult life. (I'm 29 currently.)

I dissociate often, sometimes to the point I can't even move, and I lose time frequently...For example I'll walk into a room and have no idea how I got there or for what reason, and even sometimes I'll ask if we've eaten dinner, when we already have.

I didn't think the two things were related, but I was explaining that it's like sometimes my "muses" take over me entirely. I honestly just thought I was weird??? One of my partners has been with someone with DID before and said that it sounded extremely familiar. So I've been doing a lot of research and in doing a lot of research things have come up that make a lot of sense. As well as some things I'm having a hard time processing, like discovering that I was pretty much emotionally neglected by my parents until adulthood in addition to being (tw / SA) sexually assaulted by our neighbor; there's only one memory of it, but it didn't even come up in my brain until a couple of years ago and since then little snippets of the memory have been popping up in clearer detail. (So I am unsure if it was an ongoing abuse or a one time situation.)

I was so scared to bring it up in therapy, because I didn't know how my therapist would react, and when I expressed all my symptoms and that I was worried I might have a form of dissociative disorder she really just kind of brushed me off, said dissociation was a bad coping mechanism, and to basically just stop doing it. It really hurt because I've thought so highly of her. She has done wonders for my OCD and anxiety and she's always been so kind and understanding, but for the first time in session with her, I didn't feel seen.

I know there's a huge stigma attached to dissociative disorders, especially DID and OSDD...I don't necessarily WANT to have it, I literally broke down in hysterical tears because I was "crazy" when I got a bipolar diagnosis, so you can imagine how tough this whole can of worms has been for me. I'm in a crisis...And I don't know who or where to turn to.

I have talked with one person who has a legitimate diagnosis and a system, and they informed me that the way I expressed it to them was exactly how they figured out they were a system...I'm pretty sure I am...But I'm gas lighting myself, telling myself my childhood couldn't have been bad enough, and in all honesty I guess you could say I'm borderline in denial, because those "muses" have been trying to convince me that's the case, but I keep dismissing them. I can't even role play anymore because while there are some presences who have yet to give me a name the ones I'm aware of would be considered fictives, and it just doesn't feel right. Like I thought I could block them from things, but apparently I can't??? So they've informed me? So like I'm never truly alone and that bothers me.

Honestly I could go on and on, but I'll spare you guys the extra reading for now.

I honestly don't know what I'm looking for by posting this, but I just needed to get it out.

Hello and welcome to the forums.

I wish you had a better therapist when it came to this, and I am sorry that you have to go through that. Unfortunately, a lot of therapists aren't the best when it comes to trauma related disorders and it is not like you can control dissociation and telling you to just 'stop it' isn't going to help.

It took almost a year of carefully laying things out for us to tell our T about the symptoms and only really got a diagnosis three weeks ago. It also took a long time to stop trying to convince ourself that it couldn't possibly be because we 'had a happy childhood'.

Like you, it was a close friend who knew someone with DID who told us 'hey something is going on'.

I'm writing all of this so you at least know you aren't alone in all of this. I wish we could help further. The best we can do is be here to help you on your journey.

Take care,
Vi

I'm sorry to hear your therapist does not know how to deal with your dissociation.

Everybody dissociates but the intensity of dissociation varies a LOT. Trauma is a form of dissociation. Repeated trauma or childhood neglect causes very high levels of dissociation to the point that the mind starts existing in a compartimentalized state, sometimes the compartiments become very separated and can develop their own identities. You can still communicate with them "telepathically" or through "possession" (when they take over the body's control) and many other ways.

It's a normal and NOT CRAZY trick the mind uses to survive high levels of stress. The problem is that is is nice short-term but long-term it is like having to dictate your document to the printer in order to print it instead of directly connecting the computer to the printer, if you allow me the comparison.

If your therapist can help you with some symptoms like OCD and anxiety, you can keep using her skills to ease up the annoying symptoms. It's always nice to get rid of the easiest ones first so you have more energy to later on tackle the biggest issues such as trauma. She can also give you grounding exercises that are also super helpful to take the habit to use many times a day.

There are nice books that help putting your ducks in a row, the best one IMO is "Coping with trauma related dissociation". A lot of the exercises inside can be used with the help of a therapist. You can also bring them up without telling they come from the book, such as "I need help to take decisions about this thing in my life can you help me with all the pros and cons?" and you can do the "pros and cons" exercise without telling the therapist that you are listing everything your different parts/muses tell you in order to build the list. (It is an example, you do what you feel comfortable doing of course, and if you do not feel comfortable doing this, do not do it.)

Dissociation is NOT crazy. It is "I need to put my ducks in a row" level over 9000. Not the same thing as crazy!