neglect and self-concept

there is a shift in our world view that is happening right now. it is big. And I feel like I was run over by a truck. twice.
in every system map since the beginning of it all I was labeled as Asti the narcissistic one. She just wants attention. She wants to be important. wants to be something better. It is how I was presented to new Ts and they never argued with it. Every system list that had short descriptions on it called me narcissistic or arrogant and I have embraced it. I am just this harsh and evil person who wants to be more than I deserve. I just want attention. And I got hard over it because obviously everything about me was wrong. And my shame is just a confirmation because narcissism is based on shame, so of course I struggle with that.
then last week I shared how angry I was about a dismissive email I got. That I want to be treated on eye level by others and that I am well aware that I know this better than the person who tried to correct me. And someone said, That is normal. Anyone would feel that way. Anyone would have that need. it made me realize that our scale is broken. Whenever a need comes up and there is a wish to express it, we call that narcissistic. want support? narcissist. want attention? praise? be liked? all narcicssims. going through the list of needs we have I realized that all the needs that have something to do with care or proper parenting are labeled narcicssism in our system.
I have spent my whole life working hard to somehow make up for being such a bad person. if I am arrogant and mean, I must at least deliver excellent work. and I can't sit down and do something nice because wanting that is laziness and that is just as bad as narcicssism. and all this time, the needs were actually within a normal range. my family just sucks and they weren't willing to meet any of our needs, so they made them something evil. something to be ashamed of. and for years I have struggled with my shame about that to the point that I needed to embrace it and just be a bad person and work hard to make up for it.
this is just... so big.
and our system put it on maps. and stupid therapists just agreed to it without ever having any doubt. Of course she is bad like this. she is a controlling bitch. some where openly hostile. one nurse told me I am not even human. how do you repair the injustice done? its been like that for a decade for our system. more than 3 decades in the family. and then your T confirms that she doesn't see it at all. What is visible is less than normal. All needs barely existent. What we do is hide. and we hide so well that nobody could guess that there is a need. what kind of narcissist is that supposed to be? one who hides so nobody would know they want praise sometimes?
I feel worse than Alice landing in Wonderland. there is a mountain of betrayal in this. I don't know how to respond right now. basically, I am in shock.

Sending a lot of moral support.

I realize how lucky I am with my present therapist because she refuses to use any "bad" word to describe anybody or any part/alter. When I presented my first system map with "protector/persecutor" written somewhere, she pointed it out and said she will never use the word "persecutor" and explained what a maladapted protector is. And so on.

I took this for granted from the part of a DID therapist. Now you make me realize how lucky I am to have found my T.

I am in shock to learn that some Ts condone the use of harsh and judging words to describe parts/alters. I feel sorry for you. I am happy that you realize now that it's okay and normal to have basic social needs such as feeling loved and heard and praised.

Sending positive thoughts and hope for better times ahead.

One of the things we were adamant about early on was 'do not insult anyone in the system.' It doesn't mean it can't happen, but it doesn't happen as often. We hadn't run into the term maladaptive protector before talking here, but we've even made sure that our system map lists Marcus as a protector now. This seems to have helped.

honestly, I hate that term. it just says you do it wrong. how does that not increase shame. I very much identify with Nijenhuis' concept of a controlling EP. My need is control, my tools is control. And I don't think of myself as a protector or persecutor at all. I am a nerd who regulates through work. we actually have a no blaming/no shaming policy in our system, have had it for many years. It's just that everyone thought that this was an accurate evaluation and not an insult in any way. It was so much part of the self-concept that it could not be identified as problematic. it was just taken at face value by everyone. I don't want this conversation to go into a direction where I am suddenly considered a persecutor tbh. or the fancy new word for a persecutor, who cares. that is not what I do. and every single one in our system is maladaptive. that is only a useful concept when it is about changing behavior, not when it comes to identity questions.

For what it's worth, our T only talks about protectors--he's never said the word persecutor or "maladaptive" protector. And he always expresses respect for them and admiration for the difficult job they've had to do.

As for how I would describe you, Asti, I never thought of you as someone who is attention-seeking or narcissistic. Words I would use to describe you are brilliant, cerebral, prone to intellectualizing, and self-disciplined (perhaps overly so).

We very much relate to the need for control and using control as a tool. And we also have the sense that needs are bad, in general. It's only with therapy over these past 5 years that we're learning to be more accepting of needs and feelings. It's a bit frustrating that it leads to less productiveness, at least in the short term, and makes us feel less functional, but we're realizing there's a lot to be gained from taking care of everyone, even if in the moment it feels like "laziness," or "giving in" to needs that we "shouldn't have."

I need to look more into that concept of a controlling EP--although I would have thought of you as one of the ANPs--as co-host and being out front so much for daily activities, and not ruled by emotions. Maybe I don't understand the ANP/EP distinction very well.

Anyway, I'm glad for this new positive self-view for you. I hope it leads to good changes and that the adjustment doesn't destabilize all of you too much.

I am dead in the middle when it comes to the ANP/EP thing. looking at my history explains it. I developed to cope with highschool. that is why you will find me learning one thing or another at all times. thats my alter-DNA so to speak. study, achieve good mark, very disciplined and focused. And then there was a tremendous amount of bullying at school too. So I ended up with deeply rooted patterns in defense that you will find in EPs, mostly hypervigilance and fight response, but also quite bad shame that sometimes gets triggered. It helps to think in actions systems and then check if those for daily life or for defense are the more dominant ones. I couldn't possibly say. But if you work with either fragile EP (hypervigilant, flight, freeze, shutdown, trauma-identified) and controlling EP (hypervigilant, fight, seeking control to avoid identification with trauma) then I am certainly not fragile. it took a long time for me to step up as co-host. I was just very pushy and critical before that. it is a big mistake to think I am not ruled by emotion. I just hide them well behind intellectualizing because that is the survival pattern we needed. I get into triggered fight and shame states pretty regularly.

I think I got a lot better with physical needs over the years. its how you make the body work properly, so it fits into my self-optimization problem. We have a book about needs that is really helpful. It shows categories of needs. body is a work in progress but fine. I do well with autonomy needs and exploration. those happen to be the ones that a neglectful parent would love because it makes neglect so much easier. the biggest issues are with emotional and more than anything relational needs. its like an imprint of neglect, to see the areas where we struggle. reflecting about it isn't too destabilizing right now. I would have to stop if it was. we are in no condition for more crisis. its just a lot of grief in varying phases.