The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Our uncle is almost completely moved out. That has left us drained. We have access to the system now, though, and that is helping us feel better. Thursday we'll do a roll call and make sure everyone's ok. Lilith is still acting a bit different, but that's kind of expected right now.

We're still struggling with how some of us will behave and I've noticed that when unsure or stressed not all of us will be willing to tell others who is fronting. Our friend LR knows who is out because of behavior patterns. I'm still glad that we set down rules after we became known to each other. It has helped.

Talking to our friend N, though, and he said he had never heard of a system having cohosts, but admits he hasn't known a lot of systems. Talking to our sister, she mentioned that she would see times when our behaviors would shift but couldn't remember a time when we had meltdowns. This was something that our mom also knew happened once during our sixth birthday party. That autistic meltdowns seem to have been so very rare because our system evolved to not only hide the trauma but hide the autism as well. It's also probably why we developed what we think of as 'swapping co-consciousness' so that we knew what was going on but had emotional amnesia (is that a thing?) when it comes to situations.

Right now, we're just kind of numb and drained.

On a side note...realized in the last few days that I really do think of myself as Violette now. I don't know if everyone recalls, but the vast majority of our system didn't have names a year and a half ago because we had designations (Except Beth, Bri, and Marcus). We're getting used to having names properly.

Take care,
Violette

ViTheta wrote:
On a side note...realized in the last few days that I really do think of myself as Violette now. I don't know if everyone recalls, but the vast majority of our system didn't have names a year and a half ago because we had designations (Except Beth, Bri, and Marcus). We're getting used to having names properly.

Take care,
Violette

I found it strange after coming back later when everyone had found out about each other and they all had their own names! tbh I found it harder! I feel sometimes it makes things more complicated than it needs to be especially being the 'new front' trying to keep everyone inside happy whilst maintaining 'the mask' for the outside world. On the other hand it has kind of being therapeutic for us all to explore our own thoughts, wants and needs individually and our little's have really benefited from it - Jay

thank you Jay,

In our case, we were all either Sister or Brother and a number. This apparently stemmed from the way the primary abusers would refer to each other when we were six. They belonged to the Jehovah's Witnesses, and used 'Sister' against us to mock our femininity. It became an act of taking back our own identities to have names.

To a certain degree, I did have a name, but it was the body's dead name, and we no long wanted to respond to that.

Take care,
Violette

Things are much calmer now. We're still getting used to our new friend groups, though. This has meant that not all of us are willing to come out and front around them yet, but it has cut down on the physical issues which were causing major problems. The tension and stress was driving our immune system haywire coupled with it also causing problems with our muscles throwing our spine out of alignment. The stress was also causing issues with the autism.

We did a system map and it came up four names short. We think they've gone dormant.

As things get quiet again, we're getting a bit more settled now.

Take care,
Violette

Last night, Pippa came out for a while. This allowed us the time to decide a few things and make a few changes to how we're planning on handling things going forward. We've decided that doing streaming or content creation is not a good idea for us because we have so little energy most of the time that we can't handle that. That reduces just how important the need for a computer is at this stage.

We're planning on putting games for the Littles on the Switch so that they're games are isolated from things like YouTube. They're probably not going to be able to come to the front until September because of how disrupted everything still is. But we're working on getting everything changed around by September, so that's the positive side of it all.

We didn't sleep well last night. Despite the medication, we've been having some rough dreams mostly centering on abusive adults pushing us to do things we didn't want to do.

Take care,
Violette

So...on Sunday our dryer stopped working and we're having a new one installed on Friday. So, we have to do some clearing and cleaning tomorrow so that it can be installed and the old one removed. That said, the new one is brand new. We've always had used appliances because of our mom's cigarette habit. Dad was good about telling us ahead of time we were going to go out and buy it.

Knowing that he has ADHD has made for a huge improvement in how we handle things. What once was arbitrary and traumatic to us is now more understandable, and he's making the effort to make changes to his behaviors so that his ADHD doesn't dominate his life. We've been helping him with that.

We're making changes to our living space and expanding into another room. This will constitute our 'apartment'. We'll be moving our bed and dresser into the other room along with a few other pieces of furniture.

Overall, we're somewhat better. We're still having intense periods of sadness coupled with huge issues with our gender dysphoria.

We know things will get better, but it is going to take time.

Violette

We've been going through a period of time of shame over our DID and trauma. We want to participate with others and be on their level in our games, but it's a struggle since the 'easy' path requires playing a male character in missions. We tried the first of these missions only for the lead up and then aftermath to cause more and more problems including our protectors lashing out over it. I don't want to explain to people that I'm relearning the game as myself (Violette) as opposed to the others who have played it before. I've found 'remnants' of their gameplay but often have had to admit that I don't remember things and get frustrated when that happens.

I think this is the first time in a year and a half that we feel genuinely ashamed over our DID and amnesia. It's made us feel isolated, alone and incapable of doing anything.

Take care,
Violette

That sounds really difficult and frustrating, Violette. I'm sorry.

I am sorry you are feeling inadequate cause of the disorder. I get that. There are many things that can be harder and it is frustrating and easy to feel down about. I hope that you can learn the game that other parts have learned.

ViTheta wrote:We've been going through a period of time of shame over our DID and trauma. We want to participate with others and be on their level in our games, but it's a struggle since the 'easy' path requires playing a male character in missions.

What game is it? Can you not customise your character at all? (you say the 'easy way' is a male character suggesting there is a female or customisable option?)

We don't like playing male characters either especially the type portrayed in most video games. Its a shame. We liked the graphics (scenery, mountain backdrops etc) for RDR2 but you can't create a female/non-binary character and you can't just free roam from the beginning to just enjoy riding round on horseback to' learn the map'.

Many games designed with PC, PS4/5, XBOX in mind which is mainly young adult male players seem to be the same. They all have great graphics but mindless killing and often a set 'muscle man' character that can't be changed/customised.