The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Yesterday was an interesting conversation with our sister. To lay this out, our dad has an aide who has the same name as our legal name, which is the same as the name of one of our alters and previous hosts. Our sister joked about needing to change the legal name of the system. She didn't specify which name, btw. It was something of an inside joke between us. As we discussed it all, though, she admitted that our relationship is different than the previous host's was with her. She just chalked up the change in personality to 'coming out of one's shell' after our mom's passing.

She also kind of admitted that even beyond how Marcus would treat her, she sees how the symptoms of the DID were always there just like how the symptoms of the autism were always there.

Our sister is amazing. It's so wonderful to have someone in the family know that we all exist.

As for the name. We're not going to change our legal name. Still, I've gotten so used to using my own name as opposed to our legal name that it can be a bit disconcerting to have to use it with others. But that's ok.

Vi

I am happy for you that you have such an observant an amazing sister.

Thank you. Our sister is very helpful and wonderful. It helps because right now we feel like we've lost our stability and a lot of our system just wants to go into hiding so that we can focus on the here-and-now instead of trying to focus on the past. It isn't surprising that we started coping with the trauma after we got a reprieve from our dad. I think we just wish we didn't have to deal with him again so we can feel better. Now it's beginning to feel like the only times the others want to come forward is when there's a crisis. I'm finding myself far closer to the surface when the others are out now and none of the Littles want to come out unless it's clear our dad is already in bed.

I (Violette) worry that this is going to strain everyone in the system including myself.

I also wish I knew how to tell people things better than I do right now. I am struggling with actually being able to comfort someone without sounding like I'm relying by rote.

Vi

Right now it feels like the system has gone inside and closed the door firmly with instructions not to open until the current crisis is fully over. This has left me (Violette) and Lilith the only links to the outside for now, but it also has answered the question regarding why we always had two hosts. Queen is still here, but she is almost always in the background lurking like a stage manager and doesn't front much at all.

The good news, I guess, is that things should be more stable by the end of the month.

Take care,
Violette

It has been so much 'fun' the last few days. Not only has the 'lockdown' affected my and Lilith's behaviors, but I've found myself unable to access quite a few parts of the memory or even certain skills. I've been finding myself dissociating quite a lot and my appetite has been impacted by all of this. This has included struggling to find words and even focusing on doing anything. In the end, it's like I can't focus on the 'here and now' and am struggling to handle things.

Our uncle is moving out this weekend, so things will settle down after that.

Vi

Sending a lot of moral support, hope things will settle as soon as your stress level can get down.

Thank you. One of the things that has helped is getting the physical pain under control, but still feeling kind of isolated. I think we'll be able to access the whole system again sometime next week, assuming that our uncle actually moves out this weekend. Leila had to come out on Wednesday to drive because I started drifting off while we were going to the store.

The upside, if one wants to call it that, is that Valyria isn't able to influence the front making it easier to control our emotions. It's meant that having to handle some of our dad's problems a bit easier.

Take care,
Violette

ViTheta wrote:Thank you. One of the things that has helped is getting the physical pain under control, but still feeling kind of isolated. I think we'll be able to access the whole system again sometime next week, assuming that our uncle actually moves out this weekend. Leila had to come out on Wednesday to drive because I started drifting off while we were going to the store.

The upside, if one wants to call it that, is that Valyria isn't able to influence the front making it easier to control our emotions. It's meant that having to handle some of our dad's problems a bit easier.

Take care,
Violette

Hope things improve for you. I struggle with physical pain too. We have felt less 'emotional outbursts' too with Kit and Bobby away from the front. It's strange how we are able to separate different symptoms to different parts!

Thank you. Our uncle is moving out today. Next week, we'll take some time to do a system survey and make sure that everything is ok. The move is causing a lot of stress on both of our cats and they're trying to hide. We are spending the day with our earbuds in so that we don't have to listen to the noise.

We'll get through this, but yes, it is hard to be all alone right now.

Violette

Update.

So, our uncle is finishing up moving today. This will be very good. Apparently he hasn't been paying the electric bill like he was supposed to be doing and intercepted the bills so that our dad didn't know. However, he is leaving all the appliances including the washing machine, so things are going to be easier on that front. I guess that will just make up for him not paying rent for months on end.

We've started getting more access to the system. I think that there's been a calculation I'm not privy to about the need to have the system available verses the system being unavailable and how it impacts my mental health. Pippa was out yesterday for quite a bit.

Take care,
Violette