The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Thank you.

Sometimes the headache is bad, and sometimes it just feels like someone's tapping their fingers gently around my brain.

I started wondering if it was possible this was happening because of a combination of lack of practice in switching given that we are only just, over the last year, learning to allow more and more of us access to the front and a fear on my part of letting go of control. I'm having to learn to trust the others. I know that I've had to consciously suppress some switches for the benefit of the alter trying to come out. There are certain activities which trigger certain alters that have to be done. I'm trying to get better at explaining why they couldn't come out though.

Right now, the only alters who seem to slip in and out without fuss are Pippa, Beth and Angel.

On another subject, I had never heard of IFS before. Our T had mentioned it a little, but seems to realize it isn't applicable in our situation.

Take care,
Vi

So, Lilith decided she wasn't up for a session with our T today, but that's okay. Our T and I (Vi) spent the time processing what's going on and going over the system. I'm going to set up a list of all of us including what I can do to help certain alters feel better. All over, things are positive.

It’s been eleven years since I became aware of Marcus and we started to research DID. It’s been three years since our mother passed. It’s been a year since CB came into our life and upset everything. It has been a year since we first had to confront that there is a ‘we’. It’s been one month since the diagnosis.

Looking back, there is still so much to learn. There is so much to sort out. There is so much trauma to deal with. There is also so much stigma to deal with too. We’ve found places where being a system is ‘okay’. We’ve made friends who were accepting and safe. We’ve met other systems and learned that our story is not unique. We have even helped systems in crisis.

We are still trying to sort out our timeline. In the beginning, there were three- Beth, Bri and Violette. From everything we have pieced together, Beth and Angel were co-hosts for a long time. This kept the gender dysphoria in check until it was something that had to be dealt with. We have begun to trace back who manifested when and who goes back to what trauma. It is painstaking and painful work.

Even as the world becomes a scarier place, we are trying to stay positive. Being autistic is hard enough. Being trans is painful. Having such traumas is hellish.

I’m forever grateful to those who have stood by us this last year.

In one year, our life has been turned upside down, and we are left struggling to understand events that happened when we were young, but the last year has also taught us that we are strong enough together to manage this.

There is nothing earth shattering to say to all of this, but I wanted to add this-

Thank you all here from Violette, Pippa, Bri, Lilith, Beth, Queen, Angel, Keira, Veronica, Giada, Ghost, Anathema, Agnes, Agatha, Selene, Octavia, Bonnie, Leila, Valyria, and Marceline.

Okay, since I'm out I get to explain the situation!

We were talking to another system on social media. They are nice over all; however, they used some phrases which were triggering and stressed our system out by constantly switching topics so that we had to switch. They also kept treating Queen like she was our 'core' even though we don't have a 'core' personality. Queen doesn't have a lot of power, really, and only comes out when the system is too stressed to handle things. I think she came out when Lilith got stressed and this system noticed her. Some people take her as a rank.

So, talking to this system, they said some fantastical things about their system. We're used to that. After all, we've met so many systems with fictives, mythical beings and animals that we're not sure that we have to feel as if anything is strange. We don't ever get into details either. They wanted us not to tell the others and...the way they phrased it triggered everyone. Keira was out and Keira is never out. Vi and the others finally talked her down, though.

Vi confronted this other system and told them that we can't talk privately any more for the safety of the system. We don't trust them anyway because their host and body are male (Sorry Arbremonde). We are working on trusting men and anyone male really, but that's not easy. It can even be triggering to have male characters in video games. Well, they understood and apologized. They hadn't realized that the wording was triggering. We know we hurt them, but they had to understand. Vi, especially, feels guilty not getting back to people directly when she's talked to them; however, none of us feel guilty for telling this system we can't talk to them directly away from the server because of what happened even though we know we hurt them by telling them.

Maybe in the future when trust has been built a bit more, things will change.

Now we're dealing with Lilith, since she was the one who asked to be allowed to talk to him directly. She feels bad that she got us into this situation. We're trying to get her to be okay. The other fall out is that we went into 'lockdown', which is only approved alters could come out and they had to mask more than we have been. This kind of set back our efforts at unmasking.

We also have another alter who hasn't introduced herself. She's being rude. She came out last night before I took over for Vi. Worst part was...I did that in the middle of taking a shopping trip in the evening after dark! I'm not the best driver either. It's okay. We got home safe and now we just need this alter to come forward and talk to us.

I hope everyone's well
Pippa.

Edit to include this: It looks like I'm the resident psychologist lol. I can at least read stuff on psychology and retain it. Was reading something fascinating about criterion for DID diagnosis. One that is evolving at least, and I went 'oh, I know we have done that, and that, and this too.' Further clarification...I still love music. It's just apparently I can retain psychological information too!

Reading back, I realized I misspoke a couple times. One of them is...when I said 'men and anyone male' I mean not just men in general, but also male alters. I also didn't want to hurt Arbremonde's feelings or anyone one else on the forum. Men are scary still. In public it's okay, but it's not as easy in private spaces even on the internet.

And some people take Queen's name as a title.

Pippa.

We struggle with 'male presence' too ....face to face.... except for brother. We don't like it when we have to have workmen in the house, it tends to bring the protectors out

In general chats we tend to avoid talking to the average male too as from experience they just want to chat you up. We're ok with people on this sub-group (within DID forum) but are more wary if post in other sections or general...though I don't really..I think Kit did in the past.

A lot of us prefer video games where you can customise your character or be a cute animal the exception being Bobby having a thing about 'Link' in BOTW, maybe because he looks more gender neutral in that game (once you get more outfits you can dress him so its difficult to tell if he's male or female - if you didn't know) than a man though. It annoys Bobby & Kit though when only females can have long hair but have a 'visible chest' but if choose boy for a flatter chest only get short hair options.

I think we should do a system map even if only in our private journal so I know how many there are.

Jay

It's okay, no offense taken. I know that triggers are tricky to navigate. My present girlfriend used to think she was a strict lesbian due to triggers and now she realizes that she has a wider spectrum of attraction, she just needs to build safety first due to past trauma. So don't worry about it. (also I'm not cis and I'm more on the non-binary side of masculinity, if it can help ) I also second how Link looks totally like a closeted trans woman in some games, I think it's cute.

It is always difficult to interact with other systems and it is better to wait untill everybody is stabilized before meeting, to avoid triggering each-other. It is good that you managed to protect yourselves in the end and to state the boundaries.

You do an amazing work in psychology Pippa, bravo!

Thank you. It is difficult, but we made it through. We know we're stronger now.

We have actually thought about getting the Littles Breath of the Wild. We just have to keep Vi from wanting to play it too And I'm glad that there was no offense. Also, The Sims is adding in a tonne of trans related stuff and that's made us very happy. This includes binders for trans men! We just wish it wasn't so expensive.

This was our first time really doing something like this on our own. We are working on friendships with men, and usually what happens is we follow friends. If LJ or LB say someone is okay, then we will join them in being in chat with the new people. If someone joins our Xbox chat and they think that person is going to be a problem, we get a little message saying 'this person may not be safe' and we can gently leave. LJ and LB have actually pushed back against people saying awful things.

Angel is the only one who likes men, and their preference seems to be more bisexual than the rest of us. Their preference tends to be on the non-binary side of the male spectrum too.

I've started reading the articles on DIS-SOS and we've agreed that, if I can read them, then we'll start buying the books. I was reading one article that talked mentioned skill loss, and it's like we have had this our whole life. Some of us have hurt the body because skills didn't transfer. Plus, Angel is still an awful cook lol.)

Okay, everyone have a good day!
Pippa

We're starting to catalogue the differences in the system, but we also learned something interesting. Today, when I came on to post about yesterday's adventures I found Lilith already had...I don't remember doing that, though.

Beyond that, we'll heal. It'll just take time.

Vi

So...today was another session with our T. It went very well. For the first time she said DID even though we knew she was treating us for DID! She noticed the shift in how we talked at one point when I felt stronger and Vi and Leila came forward enough to help when we talked about some of the stuff I don't remember.

We talked about healing as an individual (as well as a system) and how we will be stronger together, and some of the Bad Things I can remember now.

I feel so good, but I can also feel Vi and Leila saying that it's time to switch so they can go to the store.

Be well and talk to you all later,
Lilith